17 replies to this topic

[fincutter]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen.'"

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.   

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"   

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.   



 

[fincutter]

A man goes to see the doctor complaining he has an orange cock. The doctor asks him to flop it out so he can have a look to see what the trouble is. The man duly gets his cock out for the doctor and, sure enough, it's bright orange.

The doctor is amazed by this and tells the man he has never seen anything like it before and asks him when he last had had sex?
"Never," says the man, "I'm a virgin and live on my own".
"Does anyone else in your family have this affliction?" asks the doc.
"Not that I'm aware of" replies the man.
"Do you work with any strong chemicals?" queries the doctor.
"No, I'm unemployed" states the man.
"Really," says the doctor, "what do you do all day, then?"
The man replies, "I sit at home watching porn films and eat Wotsits."

[fincutter]

A Glaswegian parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show
it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close
to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Glaswegian grabs his mobile and calls
the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My
Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's
at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Glaswegians are,' he says.
'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche Owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Glaswegian looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex?...

[fincutter]

After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larson O'Neill), a
> > Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a
> > larger bed, so the husband went to his doc and told him that he and
> > his missus didn't want to have any more children (Am no wantin ony
> > mairweans). The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
> > vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
> >
> > "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a
> > Firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year
> > round,light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
> > and count to 10".
> >
> > The Glesga Ned in the Charlie Nicholas parlance said to the doctor, "I
> > may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I canny see how putting
> > a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
> >
> > "Trust me," said the doctor.
> >
> > So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
> > the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which
> > point he paused, ........................placed the beer can between
> > his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
> >
> > This procedure is available on the NHS by the way and works in Govan,
> > Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix,
> > Shettleston,Carmyle and Barlanark. __________________
> >
> >
>

[fincutter]

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am,  regardless of their medical condition.  This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am  all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon  was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer  books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.  Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life  support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


There now, Feeling Better , Are We ?

[Barry McCrindle]

Breaking news
Irish farmer perfects the art of growing vibrators in a field
Reports coming in, he is having a hell of a problem with squatters though.......

[Adoration II]

Quote

Breaking news
Irish farmer perfects the art of growing vibrators in a field
Reports coming in, he is having a hell of a problem with squatters though.......

wee caught a broken 1 yest it has jj stamped on bottom wonder what that stands 4 :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:

[Jammy]

johnstoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's joystick

[Adoration II]

it has a playboy bunny stamped on it have u lost urs

[isleseafoods]

After his death Michael Jackson arrived in heaven and one of the first folk he met was Elvis Presley.

Elvis asked 'Are you the Michael Jackson that was married to my daughter Lisa ?'

Jacko replied ' yes, that was me'


With a huge sigh of relief Elvis said ' thank god for that, I thought she'd married a n*gger.'

[fincutter]

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga , Wyoming .  He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.  He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.  The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

[fincutter]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
 
 
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

 
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
 
 
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
 
 
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
 
 
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
 
 
So they buried Deirdre.
 

[fincutter]

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You Fu*king
b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but
I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a
fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

[fincutter]

 

 

 

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!!  Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[fincutter]

Testicle Therapy


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. 

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physio Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

_______________________________________________________

[fincutter]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the fuck cut your hair?"

[Adoration II]

Quote

Testicle Therapy


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. 

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physio Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

_______________________________________________________

wetting my trousers cracker