101 replies to this topic

[lobbieman]

At the Bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[wbeedie]

> > Frank feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she
> > used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not
> > quite sure how to approach her,
> > he talked to the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
> >
> > The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the
> > husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about
> > her hearing loss.
> >
> > Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand
> > about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational
> > speaking tone see if she hears
> > you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until
> > you get a response.'
> >
> > That evening, Frank's wife is in the kitchen cooking
> > dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself,
> > 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
> > happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey,
> > what's for dinner?'
> >
> > No response.
> >
> > So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet
> > from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for
> > dinner?'
> >
> > Still no response.
> >
> > Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20
> > feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for
> > dinner?'
> >
> > Again he gets no response.
> >
> > So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
> > 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no
> > response.
> >
> > So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for
> > dinner?'
> >
> > (I just love this)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Frank, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'
>

[jacktar]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother  if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the  house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

[bfsanders]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Arkansas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on the chair and starts
shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid-ass, blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because

you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this, Mister!  I'm talking to that little guy on
your knee'

[Young Knoxy]

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......... ......... ...... $ 9, 998.00

[3762dazzer]

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job.
A: After 5 years, the job still sucks. 

[3762dazzer]

It has been revealed that criminals who steal Viagra will face a stiff sentence

[bfsanders]

Some clam keeps ringing me and singing "Prince Charming" and "Stand and Deliver" down the phone. I keep telling him to feck off... but he's adamant.!.





A woman with tiny tits goes into M&S and asks for a size 32 AAAA bra. They don’t do anything that small. She goes into La Senza and asks for the same. They don’t do anything in that size either. After going to several more stores and getting the same answer, she storms into Debenhams, marches up to the lingerie sections, pulls up her top and yells, “Do you have anything for these?” The shop assistant looks at her tits and says “Have you tried Clearasil Madam?”



 

I have just walked out of my job at the local helium balloon factory. There is no fucking way that I am being spoken to like that.



“Mummy, where do babies come from?”

“Well daddies make a liquid called sperm and put it inside of mummies.”

“Do mummies eat it?”

“Only if they want new shoes.”



In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Panadol is Paracetamol, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Nurofen is Ibuprofen and so on. The federal drug agency has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and have announced that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin.



Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday. His dad said “We would get you one but our mortgage is 80,000 and your mum has lost her job.” Next day, Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed and his dad asked “Where are you going son?” Patrick replied, “I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum that you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell you to wait because she was coming too so I am not staying here on my own with an 80,000 pound mortgage and no fucking bike.”



The son asks “Dad, what’s the difference between a pussy and a clam? “Look at  this.” Says dad as he lifts the covers on the naked sleeping mother. “That’s a pussy son.”

“It’s wonderful dad! Can I touch it?” says the boy. “No way son! If you touch that pussy you’ll wake the clam up.”



A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on the plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores before liquor touches my lips!” Paddy handed his drink back and says “Me too!! I didn’t know we had a choice!”



A woman comes home early to find her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams “You promised me that you would never cheat on me again!”  The husband replies “For feck sake woman, can’t you see I’m trying to cut down?”



Paddy drags a huge box to the antiques road show in Dublin and queues up to see an expert. “Where did you get this?” asks a bloke stood behind the desk. “It has been in my loft for 40 years!” says Paddy, “and I think it must be some sort of heirloom.” “I see” says the expert “tell me, do you have any insurance?” “No.” replies Paddy, “do you think I should have?” “Yeah” replies the experts, “it’s your fucking water tank!”



What is hairy on the outside, moist on the inside, starts with a C and ends in a T and has the letters U and N in the middle?

A coconut you dirty seabass!



A new E.U. directive has now decided that you can no longer use the words gypo or pikey. You must now use the phrase “Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers” or C.U.N.T.’s for short.



Prince Charles has taken up jogging. Each day he passes a hooker who would call out to him “$150”. He would call back “No. $5” This went on for quite some time. One day, Camilla decides to jog with him. He was very apprehensive as he knew what the hooker would say. As they jogged past, the hooker shouted “She what you get for $5 you tight seabass!”



Jock takes his wife to casualty. She has got no teeth, two black eyes and a broken nose. “What happened?” enquires the doctor. Jock replies “She was going through the change.” Doctor is shocked and says “But that doesn’t happen with the change!”  Jock replies, “It does when it is in my fucking pocket!”



A Paki’s wife dies. He goes to place an announcement in the paper and is told  that it is 3 words for a $1. He only has $1 so he tells them to put “Sanjit id dead” They feel sorry for him so offer him another 3 words for free. He thinks for a minute and then says ok, put “Sanjit is dead, shop still open.”



It is Paddy’s wedding night and his new bride is laying naked, spread-eagled on the bed. She says “You know what I want?” Paddy says “All of the fucking bed by the look of it!”



Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree in a room on Quality Street after Eight. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic! He slipped his hand into her Snickers and showed her his Curly Wurly. Not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him have her up the Bourneville boulevard. She screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his Fun Sized Mars Bar. It felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted some Time Out but he did a Twirl and came in a very Milky Way!



Spurred on by the attacks in Mumbai, Muslim terrorists have stormed the streets of Bradford and are shooting anyone with a British Passport. Police fear that the death toll could be as high as two people.



Passenger taps the taxi driver on the shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock. He swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window. “feck me! Your jumpy aren’t you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!” “Sorry.” Says the driver. “It’s my 1st day on the job. I have been driving a hearse for the last 20 years.”

[bfsanders]

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel . Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.




When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: 


My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach . He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[young ronnie]

Frank and John Baird walked into a pub in Donegal eating chip butties and the barman told them they couldn't eat their own food on the premises.That was no problem to our intrepid pair...they just swapped sandwiches.

[wbeedie]

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt,
except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

“This is no good, Merlin!”
the king exclaimed,
“Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe,”
said Merlin.

He then selected his most worn out wand,
one that he was going to discard anyway.
He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!”
said the grateful monarch.
“Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection.

Sure enough,
each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.
All of them, except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,”
exclaimed King Arthur.
“My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But, alas,
Sir Galahad was speechless.

[wbeedie]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

[wbeedie]

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

[wbeedie]

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

[wbeedie]

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big ****ing red mark on her forehead

[wbeedie]

Rikki went to see the nurse this morning for his annual check-up.
She said he had to stop wanking.
When Rikki asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

[wbeedie]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the fu*king ground with a cock like that."

[wbeedie]

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one ****ing punch

[wbeedie]

Walkers are to add a new flavour crisps to their range."Semen" flavour. they will be marketed as diet crisps as 97.8% of women will spit them back out!

[restlesswave]

advert in an oban newspaper-lost one clydesdale bank £5 note- great sentimental value,contact young ronnie! :whistle:

[young ronnie]

Away ya scallywag...well worth a  :coconut:though

[wbeedie]

He winna be laffin the morn Ronnie fan tehm get beat

[restlesswave]

told you before wullie regardless of who wins its win-win for frank-if the tic get beat i get to annoy the life out of my own gang-and if the gers get beat-you lot may stay off the computer for a couple off days :whistle: :whistle:

[young ronnie]

I'm awfae tempted tae say "neither will you Mr.Beedie",but I had better no tempt providence

[wbeedie]

Quote

I'm awfae tempted tae say "neither will you Mr.Beedie",but I had better no tempt providence

widve been an instant reed cerd and reason none :whistle:

[young ronnie]

When allowed back ?....never

[wbeedie]

heard o sent ti coventry oyu wid hae the TP equivalent o sent ti Jordan

[fincutter]

A chicken farmer stopped in local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer..

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that at last I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?''

I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[fincutter]

Young Paddy, moved to Offaly and bought a Donkey from a farmer for €100.00.. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Paddy replied,
'Well,then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Paddy said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Paddy said,
'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euro's a piece and made a profit of €898.00.'
The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two euro's back.'

Paddy now works for the Irish Government.

[fincutter]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while
another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies'
tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is
ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it
another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically,

'I guess all those f...ing lessons I took over the
winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you
have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.  :whistle: