101 replies to this topic

[fincutter]

    A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he
was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'  He
looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man
said,   'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then, kiss me
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because
I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it
up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said:

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

[fincutter]

The following are all replies that British women have put on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
 
        These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
 
        Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.       
       
       
        1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father
of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
       
        2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I
was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I
can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if this helps.
       
        3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected
s..x with a man I met that night. I do remember that the s..x was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.
       
        4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and
see if he's had it replaced.
       
        5. I have never had s..x with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he
is Christ risen again.
       
        6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by
you and right by the country. Please advise.
       
        7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies
look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
       
        8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
       
        9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
       
        10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.
 
        11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made
you fart.

[fincutter]

  THE VIBRATOR
>>> As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
>>> Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
>>> The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five  years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
>>> The next day , the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
>>> To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
>>> A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.  The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
>> like crazy.
>>> The wife asked: 'What the f~@!* are you doing?'
>>> The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my  son-in-law."   :whistle: :whistle:
>>>

[fincutter]

   
  Two women meet in heaven.



1st woman:  Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman:  Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman:  I froze to death.
2nd woman:  How horrible!

1st woman:  It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den  watching TV.

1st woman:  So, what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started  running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,  and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet  and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer  ---  we'd both still be alive!

                             

[fincutter]

   Guts or Balls?...... Do you agree?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[fincutter]

  An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My  hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,
'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,
'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'       :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:

[fincutter]

Who Said Romance in Scotland is Dead??,.........  Check out these
Lonely
Heart Ads



Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,
Gemini,
seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,
candlelit
dinners and humid nights of screaming
passion.
Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08



Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
Box06/03



Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
in
pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting fights on Sauchiehall
Street
at three in the morning.=2 0Box 73/82.



Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée
seeks
decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel
world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41



Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a
few
scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more
Box
84/87



Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
writing
poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks

mystic
dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like
little
tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential Box 12/32



Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
include
cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
functions.
References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45



Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
arse
end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box
40/27



Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and
dining,
good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in
cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box
52/07



Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler
competition at
Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill,
in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man
who's
not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and
listening to
old Abba records. Please, Please! Box
30/41



Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night
of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm



SCOTTISH ROMANCE.....IT'S PURE DEAD BRILLIANT BY THE WAY.
























.

[fincutter]

  Subject: LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN


A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney Stone and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she calle d on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried. 

[fincutter]

Well Jammy, ye did say ye wanted lots o' jokes....................  Ah'm awa' tae ma pit, I'm knackered an' ma een are sair. Good bloody night!

[Barry McCrindle]

Sent to me by my misinformed girlfriend..................

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike  English, nouns are designated as
either masculine or feminine.
'
House' for instance, is feminine: 'la
Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el
lapiz.'

A student asked, "What gender is
'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class
into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide
for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine
or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender ('la
computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better
model.
The women won.

[fincutter]

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
Her friend asks: 'Why are you wearing a Thank GOD It's Friday tee-shirt on
Monday?'
'Oh, crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I
thought it meant "'Tits Go In Front."

[fincutter]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.  :whistle: :whistle:

[fincutter]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5.. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[fincutter]

..>>> GO GITCHA MOMMA
>>>
>>> A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they
were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again.
>>>
>>> The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never
having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen
anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
>>>
>>> While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat
old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the
walls light up sequentially.
>>> They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again
and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
>>>
>>> The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son..........
>>>
>>> 'Boy..................go gitcha Momma.............

[fincutter]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

'I'm not going to cite you,' said the officer. 'I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.'

'I thank thee,' replied the Amish lady. 'I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.'

'Also,' said the officer, 'I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too.'

'Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.'

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.
'Also,' said the Amish woman, 'The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.'

[3762dazzer]

The Englishman says, ''I've got ten children, one more and I'll have a football team.''
The American says, ''I've got fourteen children, one more and I'll have a rugby team.'' The Arabian says, ''I've got seventeen wives, one more and I'll have a golf course.'' 

[J45ONJ]

this will gee u a good laugh!! well it gave me een!! :whistle: :whistle:

   

[fincutter]

                               

                                                  THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE




Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But then
again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at
least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they
both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one; The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you
say. After marriage, he will fall asleep
before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of
chemistry. That is why wife treats
husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment Story:
A long married couple came upon a
wishing well. The wife leaned over, made
a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the
well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but
then smiled, 'It really works!'

--

[wbeedie]

These hilarious exchanges are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts'.
They were recorded verbatim and published by Court Reporters that had the torment of staying calm and remaining professional while these exchanges were actually taking place


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
]

WITNESS: Take a guess.



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.





ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.





ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


WITNESS: Oral.




ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.








And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?]
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[wbeedie]

Scouse terrorists.
Police in liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin. There was no sign of Bin Workin.

[fincutter]

Subject: A lesser known Burns poem


  JIM O SHACHTER

Intae the wids amongst th e trees
Jim bared his erse, his cheeks tae ease
Nae sooner had his breeks gan doon
Than shity flees were swarmin roon

Intae the wind he bared his baws
And frae his erse a big keegh faws
The reek it curled amongst the trees
Twis enough tae mak the birdies sneeze
An a' the beasts in burn and ditch
Got a whiff o something awfy rich

Big Jim he wis in awfy pain
It came out his erse like a nine pun wean
There wis a tear faw fae his ee
Fur a bigger shite you’d never see

Big Jims erse wis raw and sair
Says Big Jim I’ll shite nae mair
Yonder it lay among the grit
A steemin, stinkin muckle shit

There it lay sae soft sae fresh
Nae hair ,nae teeth, nae brains, nae flesh
Tae wipe his erse Jim yaised a docken
While a' aroon the birds were boacken

Jim happed it ower wi stanes and stoor
Then sauntered off across the moor
A wee bit quicker wi bein sae light
Efter riddin himself o that muckle shite

Noo a’ve telt ye this tale for a wee bit laughter
A tale ye can tell for ever after
A tell ye noo, a swear its true
The tale o Jim o Shachter.  :whistle:

[fincutter]

guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. 


 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. 

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,

'If you can catch me, you can have me.' 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing

and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four

days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and

is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.   

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day

there's a knock at the door andthere stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.


 

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent

shape and he does his best,

but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with

him gradually getting in better and better shape.


 

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers

that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the

7-day/50 pound program. 

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most

rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in

years.'

The next day there's a

knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your *rse is mine.'



He lost 63 pounds that week!!    :whistle: :whistle:

[wbeedie]

Confucius says
Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with stinky fingers.

[3762dazzer]

Boy: Dad, what did you wear for safe sex?
Father: A wedding ring. 

[wbeedie]

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his

poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious Gramps

has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy

aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, same for fruit, cereal, and soda.



Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled

voice, "Easy, Davie, we won't be long -- easy, boy."


Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Davie,

just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there."


At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,

and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Davie, Davie,

relax buddy, don't get upset.. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Davie."


Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his

groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my

business, but you were amazing in there.. I don't know how you did it.



That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud

and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be

okay. Davie is very lucky to have you for his grandpa."


"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But I'm Davie - the little shit's name is Rikki.

[Barry McCrindle]

for that one Mr B

[Jammy]

i'd gie him the keys to the city

[lobbieman]

Q: Ever hear of the Gary Glitter burger?

A: It’s 60 year old meat in ten year old buns.

[lobbieman]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMENS PERSONAL ADS 
 

40-ish....................49
Adventurer................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................No tits
Average looking.......... Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated..................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure....... Medicated
Feminist..................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit...............Junkie
Friendship first..........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.......................Annoying
Gentle....................Comatose
Good Listener.............Borderline Autistic
New-Age...................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded...............Desperate
Outgoing..................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate................Sloppy drunk
Poet......................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional..............Certified Bitch
Redhead...................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque...............Grossly Fat
Romantic..................Looks better by candle light
Social....................Been passed around like an hors d’oeuvres tray
Voluptuous................Very Fat
Wants Soulmate............Stalker
Widow.....................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart............Old bat

[lobbieman]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you £5" he says.
"?5 !! Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you £10" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"?50" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"?100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and £100 would be very handy...."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying "Oh my god’?"
While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get £100 ?"