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joke of the week week 22


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#1 Jammy

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Posted 08 March 2009 - 10:15 PM

awe come on guys lets try for a record week here
needing a good laugh this week

#2 wbeedie

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Posted 08 March 2009 - 10:17 PM

Thinking about Rikki opening that link a sent him this morning cuzz the one about Jenna Jamieson :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#3 bfsanders

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 02:18 PM

send it t me wull am sick o the same faces noo on at you**** and ***tube,lol

#4 Adoration II

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 02:28 PM

google ****eos lol
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr

Sure its a grand oul team ti play for

#5 bfsanders

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 04:33 PM

ats fine ats passed an hour,lol

#6 Adoration II

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 04:44 PM

its a very addictive site lol
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr

Sure its a grand oul team ti play for

#7 bfsanders

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 06:33 PM

oh me ats an all nighter staring me in i face again,,,all this new faces,,lol :crazy2:

#8 bfsanders

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 08:21 PM

an essex girl was walking along,when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead,suddenly the bird drops a load when it was directly above her,the essex girl says"good job i opened my mouth or that would have went all over my face" :crazy2:

#9 wbeedie

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 08:38 PM

Rob had a week off and decided to play golf every day.
Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition.

On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win. Rob congratulated her and paid off his losses.
Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Rob, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, Enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.
Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.

This went on all week, with Rob narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Rob said, 'Annette, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say ?'

Annette burst into tears. 'I can't !'
'What ? Why not ?' he asked.
'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet !'
'What ?!' Aghast, Rob swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.
'I'm so sorry,' says Annette, 'You have a right to be angry with me.'
'You bastard !' Rob screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating bastard ! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees !'
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#10 wbeedie

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 08:40 PM

creepy!
.
.
.
.
.

Think of a letter between
A and W
.
.
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.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down
.
.
.
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.
Keep going
.
.
.
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.
.
Don't stop
.
.
.
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.
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.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter
.
.
.
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.
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.
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.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down
..
.
.
.
.
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.
Think of either
a man's or a woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animal's name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..

Almost
there
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down
.
.
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.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
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.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
on
your
hand
.
.
.
.
.

Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
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.
Of course they
F****ing
don't !
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.
.
..
.
Now smack
yourself in the head,
get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
.
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#11 bfsanders

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 08:50 PM

feck me beedie i need t ge masel a double slap i thought in the letter n,sat puzzled for long enough and couldna think in a animal,so a cheated and picked another one,,oh me think its one o these a get is it :crazy2:

#12 bfsanders

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:13 PM

during the wedding rehersal,the groom approached the vicar with an unusuall offer"look ill give you £100 if u change the wedding vows,when u get to me and the part where am to promise,to love,honour,and obey,and foresaking all others be faithful to her for ever id apreciate if u just left that part out"he passed the clergyman the maney and walked away satisfied..it is now the day of the wedding and the bride and groom have came to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.when it comes times for the grooms vows,the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says"will u promise to prostrate yourself before her,obey her every command and wish,serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before god and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman as long as you both shall live"?,,the groom gulped and looked around and said in a tiny voice"yes",,,,the groom leaned towards the vicar and hissed "i thought we had a deal".the vicar handed the £100 pounds back in his hand and whispered back"she made me a far better deal"

#13 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:37 PM

Subject: Iraqi Footballer

Gordon Strachan sent scouts out around the world
looking for a new inexpensive striker. One of the scouts informs
him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will
turn out to be a true superstar.
The Celtic manager flies to Baghdad to watch him
and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come
over to Parkhead.

Two weeks later Celtic are 3-0 down to Rangers
with only 20 minutes to go. The manager gives the
young Iraqi striker the20nod and sends him on.

The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20
minutes and wins the game for Celtic. The fans
are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic,
and the media all love the new star. When the lad
comes off the pitch, he phones home to
tell his mum about his first day in Scottish football.

'Hello mum, guess what ' he says. 'I played for 20
minutes today, we were 3-0 down but I scored 4
and we won. Everybody loves me: the fans, the
media, they all call me a hero.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum sarcastically. 'Well,
just let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street by masked men, your sister was
abducted and assaulted, I was robbed in the street
on the way back from the market, and your brother
has run off and joined an armed gang.'

With this news, the young lad is very upset. 'What
can I say mum, except I'm so sorry.'


'Sorry!' exclaims his mum. 'SORRY!!! It's your
fault we all moved to Glasgow in the first
place!!!
















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#14 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:41 PM

    Two Blondes With Hammers...
 
      Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

      Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' 
      Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

      Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'



      A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.  He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

      So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. 

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

      The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
      You need to roll up the windows first.'




A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
      She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. 
      The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 
      'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

      Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 
      'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. 
      Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' 
      The blond replied..... ..'Two popsicles and some coffee.'     




  AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST 
      A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. 
      Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' 
      The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' 
      The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest..' 
      'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

      The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

      'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 
      'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister.
      Her mother died, too!'
 











--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#15 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:47 PM

   A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint



when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'

and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and

helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink...
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,



'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.......

How much water did you drink?!!'
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#16 3762dazzer

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:50 PM

Jim says, ''My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason.''
Steve says, ''Why's that?''
Jim says, ''Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit.''  :knuppel2:

#17 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:51 PM

   Seven Degrees of Blonde



 
>
>
>
> > FIRST DEGREE
> > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
> > morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and
> > said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The
> > husband said, 'Who was that?'
> > The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the
> > coast is clear.'
> >
> > SECOND DEGREE
> > Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> > sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
> > and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
> >
> > The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
> >
> > So, the first blonde hands her the compact..
> >
> > The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
> >
> > THIRD DEGREE
> > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
> > buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
> > the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
> > really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
> > so,she is overc ome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her
> > head.
> >
> > The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
> >
> > The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
> >
> > FOURTH DEGREE
> > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
> > proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
> >
> > A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
> >
> > The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
> >
> > FIFTH DEGREE
> > Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
> > pregnant?
> > A: 'Is it mine?'
> >
> > SIXTH DEGREE
> > Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
> > Government class.. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
> > Wade was about.
> >
> > Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
> > decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
> >
> >
> > SEVENTH DEGREE
> > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> > ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> > reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
> > radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
> > As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> > blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> > dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> > moaned, 'I come
> > home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
> > what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#18 3762dazzer

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:53 PM

Gordon and his shapely squeeze were parked under a romantic moon drinking Carlsbery. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, ''I love you.''
With a deep sigh, the girl replied, ''A little higher.''
''I love you,'' came the higher-pitched reply :knuppel2:

#19 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:55 PM

      woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's clinic.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the duck's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed
away'

The
distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with
a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the duck from
head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said,
this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed
To the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '£150!', she
cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.

If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been just £20, but with
the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now £150.
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#20 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:02 PM

   Weakest link - the hilariously wrong quiz show answers that prove Britain is dumbing down!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence.)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?



LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France ..
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM, Bristol
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.



RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The. .?
Caller: Mohicans.



RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world's largest continent?
A: The Pacific


RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.



JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan ..
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


THE VAULT (ITV)
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.


DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.


FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.


SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest ?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland , is it?


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?


QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.


BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.


DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?


TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?
Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 ( NORTH-EAST ENGLAND )
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm...
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?


WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? (ITV)
Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): 'Jambon' is the French for which food?
11 per cent of the audience: Jam.



DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales ..


JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND )
Forsyth: What is India 's currency?
Contestant: Ramadan.


OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES )
Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.
Caller: Er. . . Tony Brown. . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence















 


=
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#21 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:06 PM

   A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.  For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his d*ck.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." 
He raised an eyebrow and replied,  "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."


 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#22 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:14 PM

                         

 












 
 










 























 







  FACTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
>
>
>                       Proof That The World Is Nuts 
>                         
>                       In   Lebanon , men are legally
> allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be
> female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
> punishable by death.   
>                       (Like THAT makes sense.)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       In  Bahrain , a male doctor may
> legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited
> from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
> only see their reflection in a mirror.
>
>                       (Do they look different reversed?)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       Muslims are banned from looking at
> the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
> The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick
> or piece of wood at all times.
>
>                       (A brick?)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       The penalty for masturbation in 
> Indonesia   is decapitation.
>
>                       (Much worse than 'going
> blind!')< br> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       There are men in  Guam  whose
> full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower
> young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
> for the first time
>                       Reason: under  Guam  law, it is
> expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
>
>                       (Let's just think for a minute;
> is there
>                       any job anywhere else in the world
> that even comes close to this?)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       In   Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is
> legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only
> do so with her bare hands.
>                       The husband's illicit lover, on
> the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
>
>                       (Ah! Justice!)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       Topless saleswomen are legal in 
> Liverpool ,  England   - but only in tropical fish stores.
>
>                       (But of course!)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
>
>                       In   Cali ,  Colombia , a woman may
> only have sex with her husband, and the first time this
> happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
>
>                       (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>
>                       In  Santa Cruz ,  Bolivia , it is
> illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter
> at the same time.
>
>                       (I presume this was a big enough
> problem that they had to pass this law?)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       In  Maryland , it is illegal to sell
> condoms from vending machines with one exception:
> Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
> 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
> consumption on the premises.'
>
>                       (Is this a great country or what?
>                       Well, no  as great as  Guam !)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       Banging your head against a wall uses
> 150 calories an hour.
>
>                       (Who volunteers for these tests?)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       The ant can lift 50 times its own
> weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls
> over on its right side when intoxicated.
>                       (>From drinking little bottles
> of?)
>
>                       (Did our government pay for this
> research??)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
>                       (Ah, geez.)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       An ostrich's eye is bigger than
> its brain.
>
>                       (I know some people like that.)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       Starfish don't have brains.
>
>                       (I know some people like that, too.)
>                       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>                       And, the best for last?
>
>                       Turtles can breathe through their
> butts.
>
>                       (And I thought I had bad breath in
> the morning!)
>                       Thank you all for reading this, if
> you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !Email
> for my new address.    :whistle: :whistle: :knuppel2:
>
>
>
>
>             
>
>







 
 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#23 3762dazzer

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:22 PM

A blonde walked into a DIY shop, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them.
The bloke said, ''Need a screw for those hinges?''
''No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?''  :knuppel2:

#24 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:26 PM

   Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.  The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes, eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement, somehow    swallows it whole.

  The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just
did?'

  The guy says 'No, what?'

  He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!'

  'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats
everything in sight, the little bastard.  Sorry.  I'll pay for
  the cue ball and stuff.'  He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays
for the stuff the
  monkey ate, then leaves.

  Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it.

  Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.

  The bartender is disgusted.

  'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.

  'No, what?'replies the guy.

  'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out and ate them!' said the bartender.

  Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out
  that cue ball, he measures everything first.'   :knuppel2:
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#25 3762dazzer

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:27 PM

Wife, If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to cross your mind?
Husband, That you are a lesbian. :knuppel2:

#26 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:34 PM

  Blonde Cookbook

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat
12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra
bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress..  What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for
supper




A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it
improved the rice any.




Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Tom asked me
why I was rolling around in the garden..




I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl
and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I
got back, everything was the same as when I left.



Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress
it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason
Tom keeps counting to ten.




Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my
disappointment.



GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom
into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate
moose.
                             
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#27 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:39 PM

   Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.   
                                                                           
   After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one,   
"'ow 'av you been doing?"                                                 
                                                                           
   "Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible!   
At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me
out of bed and onto ze parade ground."                                   
                                                                           
   "And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.                             
                                                                           
   "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely         
leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"           
                                                                           
   "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.                                     
                                                                           
   "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp     
five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."                                   
                                                                           
   "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.                                 
                                                                           
   "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze     
ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."                                             
                                                                           
   "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.                                     
                                                                           
   "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp     
ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."                                   
                                                                           
   "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.                                     
                                                                           
   "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above     
ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and
'e                                                                       
said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
                                                                           
   "Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"               
                                                                           
   "A leetle, at ze beginning."  :knuppel2: :whistle: :whistle:
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#28 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:44 PM

   

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.
Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.

'Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, and then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my bum started to burn!
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your *rse.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job'.

Remember whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.  :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :knuppel2: :woodenspoon: :woodenspoon:
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#29 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:48 PM

   

Robbery at the Bank of Scotland



An armed balaclava clad robber bursts into the Royal Bank of Scotland

And forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.



On his way out the door with the loot one brave Scottish customer grabs

The balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.



The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks

Around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.



One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over

And calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared

And looking down at the floor.



'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber. There is a few moments

Silence then one elderly Scottish gent, looking down, tentatively raises

His hand and says,



'I think my wife may have caught a glimpse ...'  :knuppel2:
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#30 fincutter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 10:52 PM

  FEMALE COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.  He had no arms and no Legs.



Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.



The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'



The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.



The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'



The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.



The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f#cked?'



The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he  said, 'No.'



 

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.