10 replies to this topic

[Jammy]

well guys 21 weeks and still laughing
and off we go again

[Fishermen-Jordan]

did u delete the topic i just put joke of the week 21

[Jammy]

yes cause it was just a blank page you set ordon

[Adoration II]

Quote

yes cause it was just a blank page you set ordon

has ur g stopped working jammy

[wbeedie]

Seeing as how the only joke on the page so far is the above poster I better kick off again (Sorry Rikki) :whistle:

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

[wbeedie]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!


    Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

    He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

    So is the rest of the house…



    He takes the aspirins, and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

    Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.'



    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating.

    Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'



    'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

    Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?


    His son replies, 'Oh THAT!'



    Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone Bitch, I'm married!!'

    Broken Coffee Table $239.99
    Hot Breakfast $4.20
    Two Aspirins $.38

    Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS! :whistle:

[wbeedie]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[wbeedie]

Said to the wife last night "Your the double of Kate Moss"
She said "Aww, Really?"
I said "Yes, shes 8 stone and your 16 stone you fat ****!"

[mack rill]

guy goes to the dentist and lies doon in the chair.the dentist leans over says open wide,the dentist says you must have had oral sex this morning mr broon, why says mr broon is there a pubic hair stuck atween ma teeth, no says the dentist youve got a dod of shite on the end of your nose.

[wbeedie]

Man Flu - The Facts
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

[wbeedie]

The baby balloon is 7 but still doesn’t stay in his own bed – every night he nips into his mum and dad’s bed.



One day his father has had enough of this and says very sternly to him “Son – you’re seven now – it’s about time that you stayed in your own bed all night”



The Baby balloon who is a beautiful pear shaped balloon – yellow in colour tells his Dad that he’ll try his best. So that night he’s in his bed and it’s getting darker and darker and he’s getting more scared with every minute that passes. Anyway he hangs on until midnight and then balloons out of his room down the landing and into his Mum and dad’s bedroom. They’re both fast asleep. He tries to get in the middle of them but there’s not enough room – so he goes to his dad and lets some air out and then he goes to his mum and lets some out of her – but there’s still not enough room so he lets quite a lot out of himself – squeezes in the middle and he’s lovely and warm and safe and he quickly drops off to sleep.



The next morning his Dad wakes up not feeling the Mae West – A bit deflated you could say – he turns over and sees exactly what has gone on. He says to his son “Son I’m so disappointed with you :



You’ve let me down;

You’ve let your mother down;

But worst of all – you’ve let yourself down!