24 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Is someone else gan ti fill it up this time


Joke of the week CELTIC AT THE TOP O THE TABLE HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Young Knoxy]

COME ON THE GERS

[Adoration II]

wee are the people

[restlesswave]

coming from somebody that cares nothing for football-if you`s are the people it took you`s b****y long enough to topple celtic!

[wbeedie]

Thats the punchline we are shite as weel almost as bad as Jordan and his storytelling

[restlesswave]

-heres a coackynut anyway!

[wbeedie]

collection of scot`s jokes
Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.


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Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."


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Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."


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Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear


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A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."


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At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"


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Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"


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Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"


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"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."


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Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.


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A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter


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A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.


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Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.


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SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.


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HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.


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INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.


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One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.

Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.

He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"


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A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

[young ronnie]

Just a thought,why don't they make the whole chuffin' plane out of the same material that they use for the indestructible "black box" ??

[young ronnie]

What's the difference between "hard up" and "down and out" ?....usually about two minutes 

[wbeedie]

a woman goes to the DR's and tells him she's been having alot of discharge, so DR tell woman to take her knickers off hop onto the bed and open her legs she does the DR then pops his fingers in and has a feel about and says to the woman how does that feel she says wonderfull BUT the discharge is coming from my ear

[wbeedie]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.' 'Oh, really? Darn,' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and I say, ''$20 or off it comes!'' '

'OK, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'So, good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

[wbeedie]

young woman working in a brothel, brothel gets raided so police have all the girls line up outside, Grandma is walking up the street young girl sees Grandma and tells all the other girls they are lined up for oranges so Granny gets in line quees up, police come along come up to Granny and ask her how she does it she replies "Well i peel back the skin and suck them dry

[wbeedie]

Judge Judy to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

[wbeedie]

Warning! Please beware of the following scam!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tesco for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends!

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the
boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and
instead ask you for a lift to Morrisons. You agree and they get in
the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull
over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over you, shoving her boobs in your face, while
the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also February 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 22nd, 23rd, 24th and three times last Saturday!

[michaelb]

Paddy asks why do divers roll off a boat backwards?
Murphy replies....Cos if dey roll forward dey still be on da feckin boat wont they!.

[mack rill]

animal lover and his wife are out for a drive in his wee 2 seater in the country he spots a badger lying at the roadside up ahead and pulls up,oh poor thing look its been killed by a car he says then he spots it moving. oh we will have to take it to the vets right away so he picks it up and says to his wife just put it between your legs to keep it warm she replies but its all slimy and stinking  he replies well just hold its nose then.

[Adoration II]

women goes 2doc and tells him her man has terrible dandruf doc tells her 2give him head and shoulders comes back next day says 2 doc i try head but how do u do shoulders

[wbeedie]

Quote

women goes 2doc and tells him her man has terrible dandruf doc tells her 2give him head and shoulders comes back next day says 2 doc i try head but how do u do shoulders

At een on first page o last weeks jokes Rikki come on you must do better than that

[mack rill]

the farmers got three sons 18,12,and 3 years old. the 18 year old says dad can i get a motorbike, farmaer says no cos a need a new tractor, the 12 year old says dad can i get a pushbike, farmer says no cos i need a new tractor, the 3 year old stands up dad can i get a wee go cart the farmer says no i need a new tractor. the 3 year old storms outside. in the yard the cockerell ison the hen getting a shag the three year old runs across and ad boots the cockerell aff the hens back and gives it a good kicking the farmer sees all this and shouts what are you doing the 3 year old says thers nae body here getting a ride till you get a new tractor.

[Adoration II]

haha diny c it beedie

[wbeedie]

Young girl in confession tells the priest "I dont wear panties".
"God forgive you my child" he says.
"For your sins do two hail marys and two our fathers,
and on the way out two kartwheels"

[wbeedie]

married couple walked in to a Jamaican sandal shop.

The proprietor said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.

Dey make you wild at sex'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really
didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you
into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,
finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many
years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his
pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of
the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!'

[mack rill]

beautiful girl on a plane going to saudi arabia just into the flight she feels really hot the swaet lashing aff her. the guy in the seat next to her  says jist tak yer panties aff youll feel a lot cooler,she jist ignores him twas later shes worse the guy says the same again she ignores him soon the planes coming into land she looks oot the widow as the planes landing sees an arab lassie standing under a palm tree wi jist a bra on nothing else eating a big slice o melon. when the plane stops she runs across to the arab lassie an asks her . is it true if you dinna waer panties you feel a lot cooler, i dinna ken says the arab lassie but it keepa the flies awa from my melon.

[michaelb]

Tim-Brooke Taylor(73),Graham Garden(71),Bill Oddie(70)
So who'd have thought Jade would be the first Goody to go!.

[michaelb]

Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre.Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girls bike."What the feck happened"?asks Murphy."well i fixed her bike and be jasus she takes her effing knickers off,lies on the ground and says take what you want big boy!"i took the bike". "Good on ye says Murphy,I'm sure the effing knickers wouldnt fit ya anyway".