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Joke of the week 19


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#31 wbeedie

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Posted 15 February 2009 - 09:57 PM

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whisky. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks ?"
"But of course," the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman."
Anxious to know more, the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and, full of expectation, lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.
"It’s always the same thing with you !" the man then shouts at the dog, "I’ll show you how to do it one last time."
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#32 michaelb

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Posted 15 February 2009 - 10:39 PM

I walked past the fridge last night and thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song
When I opened the door it was just Chives Talkin........

#33 michaelb

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Posted 16 February 2009 - 09:23 PM

Alfie Patten,the 13 year old father has joined the group Fathers For Justice.
In an interview he said  "It makes sense as I already have a Spiderman outfit"

#34 michaelb

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Posted 16 February 2009 - 09:30 PM

A man went to buy a blowup doll with blond hair and a big fa**y.When he got home and blew it up,it had a bald head and a 10 inch dick.He took it backto the shop and called the owner a daft c*nt.The owner replied"your the daft c*nt.it's inside out"!.

#35 wbeedie

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Posted 18 February 2009 - 11:20 AM

What do Chelsea FC, the Met police & an itchy fanny have in common?



They all regret the Brazilian!
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#36 wbeedie

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Posted 18 February 2009 - 11:21 AM

David Beckham arrives home one day to find Victoria all sweating, flushed and breathless..., He rushes over to her and asks if she is alright.
Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"
"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance" He runs downstairs and picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
"What's the matter son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.
Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.

"You wanker Giggsy" screams Becks.
"My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the shlt out of Brooklyn what the feck is wrong with you?"
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#37 Adoration II

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Posted 18 February 2009 - 04:23 PM

New EU legislation has said gypsies will no longer be called gypsies. They must be called Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers. Or C.U.N.T.s 4 short
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr

Sure its a grand oul team ti play for

#38 Adoration II

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Posted 18 February 2009 - 04:23 PM

A                          dwarf in a pub said to a leggy blonde "can i smell your fanny?" "absolutely not" she replied.  "well" said the dwarf "it must be your feet then!
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr

Sure its a grand oul team ti play for

#39 terryw

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Posted 18 February 2009 - 05:46 PM

3 Docs discussing cases............[swearing]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 Docs discussing cases;
French Doc says, 'We transplanted lungs into a sick man, in 6wks he was looking for work'.
German Doc says 'We did that with a heart and in 4wks the man was looking for work'.
English Doc says, 'we transplanted an ar*****e from Scotland to 10 Downing Street and now the whole f**kin country is looking for work....
A wife is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you stayed single!

#40 wbeedie

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Posted 19 February 2009 - 11:42 AM

Carrying on the doctor theme ,thes are true cases

>  1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My
> wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
> I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the
> lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
> Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there
> were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp.
> Glasgow. 
>
>
> 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on
> an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
> chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
> 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath . 
>
>
> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
> wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
> infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on
> her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he
> had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp. 
>
>
> 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment,
> he told me that he was having trouble with one of his
> medications.
> 'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.
> 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every
> six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it
> !'
> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
> wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
> body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
> before applying a new one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General. 
>
>
> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
> asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
> After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why,
> not for about twenty years - when my husband was still
> alive.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent . 
>
>
> 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and
> while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your
> breakfast this morning?'
> 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
> can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
> I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil
> packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary. 
>
>
> 7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman
> with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting
> a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
> It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
> appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate
> operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
> table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
> green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep
> off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the
> surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
> which said
> 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
>
> KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#41 young ronnie

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Posted 19 February 2009 - 02:35 PM

I told my wife she was one in a million.She told me so were my chances.

Some learn by reading,some ask questions,others observe...but there's always one who has to pee on an electric fence for himself.


#42 remus

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Posted 19 February 2009 - 07:41 PM

I  WENT  UP  TO  A  BIRD  IN  A  BAR  THE  OTHER  NIGHT  AND  THINKING  I  WAS  DEAD  SMOOTH
SAID  " IS  THAT  A  LADDER  IN  YOUR  STOCKING  0R  IS  IT  A  STAIRWAY  TO  HEAVEN  " ?
SHE IMMEDIATELY  REPLIED
" YEAH , ITS  A  STAIRWAY  TO  HEAVEN , BUT  I'VE  ALREADY  GOT  A  C**NT  UP  THERE ,
   SO  F*CK  OFF  !!!!

            :laugh: :laugh:    >:(

#43 wbeedie

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Posted 20 February 2009 - 02:49 PM

Did I Read The Sign Right?
1. In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


2. In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE Remove ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


3. In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


4. In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


5. In an office

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE RAINING BOARD


6. Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


7. Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


8. Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


9. Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


10. Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


11. On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#44 restlesswave

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Posted 20 February 2009 - 07:04 PM

do you know the location of the secondhand shop? >:( :laugh:
bend it,and if you can`t bend it,break it.

#45 wbeedie

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Posted 20 February 2009 - 08:57 PM

General   
Process Flowcharts  The wye tae dee things 
Departments  Bourachies o' Fowk 
Roles (Job Titles)  Fit the folk are caa'd 
Resources  Handy things tae hae handy 
Value  Foo mony or foo muckle 
Unit of measure  Foo mony or foo muckle fit 
 
Concepts and Standards   
Quality  Fit wye a thingmie's fit for fit it's supposed tae fit 
Competency  Fit ye're fit for 
Business Risk  Onything that can mak' an erse o'fit ye're trying tae dee 
Documentation  Bumf 
Document Register  Faur tae look for mair bumf 
Retention Period  Haud on til't for 
 
Processes   
Process Reference  Fit it's caa'd 
Process Title  Fit it's tae dee wi' 
Process Owner  Heid mannie 
Approver  Fa says "aye" 
Draft  Nae quite feenish'd 
 
Tasks (within a process)   
Task  Fit's deen 
Responsible  Fa does't 
Informed  Tell't 
Consulted  Speired at 
Assists  Gies a haun til 
Accountable  Fa's heid's on the block if a'thing gings erse ower tit 
Create  Mak up 
Refer to  Hae a lookie at 
File/Archive  Pit awa' 
 
Project Completion   
Project  Jobbie 
Completion Checklist  Ticketyboo tick list 
 
Guidance in the Published Processes   
"Click on a Process Group at the left to display the list of Processes for that Process Group"  "Gie a dunt tae the left lug o' the moosie o'er the heid o' a Bourachie o' Maps tae the left tae hae a look at a list o' the Maps in ahint it" 
"A flowchart is not currently available for this process"   
Doric the official language of North East Scotland
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#46 wbeedie

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Posted 20 February 2009 - 09:02 PM

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
                   Remember:
                    Water = Poop,
                    Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#47 wbeedie

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Posted 20 February 2009 - 10:07 PM

Not a joke but made me laugh when I read it

http://news.sky.com/...ed_Onto_The_Web
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#48 quiet waters

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Posted 21 February 2009 - 02:36 PM

one for jammy, robi, dodi and co.

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?' 'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.
 
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#49 wbeedie

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Posted 22 February 2009 - 10:59 AM

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then.. Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.