Joke of the week 19
#31
Posted 15 February 2009 - 09:57 PM
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks ?"
"But of course," the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman."
Anxious to know more, the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and, full of expectation, lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing.
"It’s always the same thing with you !" the man then shouts at the dog, "I’ll show you how to do it one last time."
#32
Posted 15 February 2009 - 10:39 PM
When I opened the door it was just Chives Talkin........
#33
Posted 16 February 2009 - 09:23 PM
In an interview he said "It makes sense as I already have a Spiderman outfit"
#34
Posted 16 February 2009 - 09:30 PM
#35
Posted 18 February 2009 - 11:20 AM
They all regret the Brazilian!
#36
Posted 18 February 2009 - 11:21 AM
Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"
"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance" He runs downstairs and picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
"What's the matter son?" asks Becks.
"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.
Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.
"You wanker Giggsy" screams Becks.
"My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the shlt out of Brooklyn what the feck is wrong with you?"
#37
Posted 18 February 2009 - 04:23 PM
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
#38
Posted 18 February 2009 - 04:23 PM
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
#39
Posted 18 February 2009 - 05:46 PM
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3 Docs discussing cases;
French Doc says, 'We transplanted lungs into a sick man, in 6wks he was looking for work'.
German Doc says 'We did that with a heart and in 4wks the man was looking for work'.
English Doc says, 'we transplanted an ar*****e from Scotland to 10 Downing Street and now the whole f**kin country is looking for work....
#40
Posted 19 February 2009 - 11:42 AM
> 1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My
> wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
> I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the
> lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
> Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there
> were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp.
> Glasgow.
>
>
> 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on
> an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
> chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
> 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .
>
>
> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
> wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
> infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on
> her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he
> had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
>
>
> 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment,
> he told me that he was having trouble with one of his
> medications.
> 'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.
> 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every
> six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it
> !'
> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
> wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
> body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
> before applying a new one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.
>
>
> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
> asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
> After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why,
> not for about twenty years - when my husband was still
> alive.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .
>
>
> 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and
> while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your
> breakfast this morning?'
> 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
> can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
> I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil
> packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.
>
>
> 7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman
> with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting
> a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
> It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
> appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate
> operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
> table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
> green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep
> off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the
> surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
> which said
> 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
>
> KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!
#41
Posted 19 February 2009 - 02:35 PM
Some learn by reading,some ask questions,others observe...but there's always one who has to pee on an electric fence for himself.
#42
Posted 19 February 2009 - 07:41 PM
SAID " IS THAT A LADDER IN YOUR STOCKING 0R IS IT A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN " ?
SHE IMMEDIATELY REPLIED
" YEAH , ITS A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN , BUT I'VE ALREADY GOT A C**NT UP THERE ,
SO F*CK OFF !!!!
#43
Posted 20 February 2009 - 02:49 PM
1. In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
2. In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE Remove ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
3. In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
4. In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
5. In an office
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE RAINING BOARD
6. Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
7. Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
8. Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
9. Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
10. Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
11. On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
#44
Posted 20 February 2009 - 07:04 PM
#45
Posted 20 February 2009 - 08:57 PM
Process Flowcharts The wye tae dee things
Departments Bourachies o' Fowk
Roles (Job Titles) Fit the folk are caa'd
Resources Handy things tae hae handy
Value Foo mony or foo muckle
Unit of measure Foo mony or foo muckle fit
Concepts and Standards
Quality Fit wye a thingmie's fit for fit it's supposed tae fit
Competency Fit ye're fit for
Business Risk Onything that can mak' an erse o'fit ye're trying tae dee
Documentation Bumf
Document Register Faur tae look for mair bumf
Retention Period Haud on til't for
Processes
Process Reference Fit it's caa'd
Process Title Fit it's tae dee wi'
Process Owner Heid mannie
Approver Fa says "aye"
Draft Nae quite feenish'd
Tasks (within a process)
Task Fit's deen
Responsible Fa does't
Informed Tell't
Consulted Speired at
Assists Gies a haun til
Accountable Fa's heid's on the block if a'thing gings erse ower tit
Create Mak up
Refer to Hae a lookie at
File/Archive Pit awa'
Project Completion
Project Jobbie
Completion Checklist Ticketyboo tick list
Guidance in the Published Processes
"Click on a Process Group at the left to display the list of Processes for that Process Group" "Gie a dunt tae the left lug o' the moosie o'er the heid o' a Bourachie o' Maps tae the left tae hae a look at a list o' the Maps in ahint it"
"A flowchart is not currently available for this process"
Doric the official language of North East Scotland
#46
Posted 20 February 2009 - 09:02 PM
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
#47
Posted 20 February 2009 - 10:07 PM
#48
Posted 21 February 2009 - 02:36 PM
A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?' 'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.
#49
Posted 22 February 2009 - 10:59 AM