48 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Well time to get things rolling for the week ahead


A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the corpse’s arse, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes of stunned silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index."

[wbeedie]

Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.

"Whenever I’m having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.
Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels "lucky’, he should rub sandpaper on his "member’.

Happy, Pinocchio says he’ll try it.

A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"

[wbeedie]

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.

Q: How can you tell if you’re at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What’s the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

[wbeedie]

Q: When do you care for a man’s company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don’t actually fix the problems.

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

[wbeedie]

   

Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was high as a kite,
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, "cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockey, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And six pair of undies, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn’t even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I’ll leave "em here, and then I’ll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night’s been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can’t wear it out!!"

[wbeedie]

A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says "Sorry darling but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynaecologist and I want to stay fresh."

The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while then whispers "Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?"

[wbeedie]

   

The Queen visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Maam.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Wire brush and dettol each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Maam.”
“Good man,” said the Queen.

She went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Maam.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Wire brush and dettol each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Maam.”
“Good man,” barked the Queen.

She moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Maam”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Wire brush and dettol each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get the wire brush before the other two, Maam!”

[wbeedie]

Do you realise that if the pilgrims had first shot a wild cat instead of turkey, we’d all be eating pussy for Christmas

[wbeedie]

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I’m afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man’s balls off the cold floor."

[wbeedie]

Q: What’s the most active muscle in a woman?
A: The penis.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack politicians?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why do women skydivers wear tampons?
A: So they don’t whistle on the way down.

[wbeedie]

Two boys are playing in the street in Manchester, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young United Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I’m not a United fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Manchester, I just assumed you were." say’s the reporter and starts again.

"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he starts writing in his notebook.
"I’m not a City fan either," the boy say’s.
"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a United or City fan. What team, DO you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I’m a Liverpool fan." the boy said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[wbeedie]

Two rats in a sewer - been eating shit all day.

The one rat says to the other rat "I’m sick of eating shit all day"
"Cheer up" says the other rat "We’re on the piss tonight !"

[wbeedie]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph..’

Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

’You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’

’Never,’ said Ralph.

’Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal.’

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You shit the bed!’

[wbeedie]

A blonde is at the hairdressers chatting to the stylist.
"My boyfriend has bad dandruff" she says.
The stylist says "Give him head and shoulders."

The blonde goes quiet.

After a few minutes of deep thought she says. . .

"How do I give him shoulders?"

[wbeedie]

   

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fuck off, ye’ll no bring it back!"

[wbeedie]

   

There’s an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says:" I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says:"That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn’t even know she drank!"

With that the Irishman says:"Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a willy!"

[wbeedie]

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn’t follow you around once you’ve used it.

Q: How does a woman know that she is overweight?
A: She’s lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner??
A: Why the hell should we fix it, we don’t use the damn thing!

[wbeedie]

There was a white Superman, and black Superman and a Chinese Superman on top of a skyscraper. They was all having a contest to see who had the longest dick...

The White Superman pulls down his tights and BLUM BLUM BLUM, his cock unrolls down the side of the building and across the street.

The Black Superman says "That’s shit, watch this" and pulls down his tights . BLUM BLUM BLUM BLUM CRASH!!! his cock unrolls down the side of the building, across the street and up the next building, then smashes through a window.

Now, the White Superman and the Black Superman are looking at the Chinese Superman who by this time is laughing his ass off! So, the black and white superman say; "Whats so funny? Show your cock!" So the Chinese Superman pulls out his dick and its 3 inches long, but he’s still laughing... puzzled, the Black and White Supermen say "What the FUCK is SOOO FUNNY?!" and the Chinese Superman says "There is steamroller coming down street!"

[wbeedie]

Ulrika Johnson was rushed to hospital last night, it was reported that she badly injured herself when she sat on her mobile phone.

However doctors informed that her condition was comfortable, after all it wasn’t the first time she’s had an Ericsson up her arse !!

[wbeedie]

A guy is driving around Ireland and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what’s your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6 about my gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired."

The guy is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten pounds," the Paddy says.

"Ten ponds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he’s a fucking liar.... He never did any of that shit!!!"

[wbeedie]

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How’d you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn’t about to start now!"

[wbeedie]

An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive,the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.

When they arrived at heaven they were shown to luxurious accomodation, at the end of the garden was a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.

The man turned to his wife and said "You dozy cow..........if it wasn’t for you and your fucking health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"

[wbeedie]

Once upon a time there was a fly flying six inches above some water in a river. Out of nowhere a bass came along and saw the fly that was flying six inches above the water and said, "I wish that fly would drop four inches so I can jump up out of the water and eat the fly."

Then come along a bear and he saw what was going on and then he said,

"I wish that fly would only drop four inches, so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so I could grab and eat the bass."

Not long after that had happened a hunter came along and saw everything that was going on and said, "I wish that fly would just drop four inches so that the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, so I could shoot the bear and have a nice trophy."

A few minutes later a mountain lion stops behind a bush and sees what is going on and says,

"I wish that fly would just drop four inches so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, and the hunter could shoot the bear, so I could jump out of this bush and land on the hunter and eat him."

All of a sudden the fly drops four inches so the bass jumps and eats the fly, the bear grabs and eats the bass, the hunter shoots the bear, and the mountain lion jumps over the hunter and lands right in the water.

And the moral of the story is: WHEN THE FLY DROPS, THE PUSSY GETS WET.

[wbeedie]

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was Fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.

[wbeedie]

A young girl from Donegal, Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat..

Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin" an" it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don’t they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend’s over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she’s back to visit her mom a few months later. This
time, when she steps out of the taxi, she’s wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom . . . same, "Won it at bingo!"

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she’s back. This time she’s sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.

She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there’s only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn’t I ask you to run me a bath? There’s only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don’t want ye gettin" yer bingo card wet now, do we?"


You can never fool Mum!

[wbeedie]

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside ?
A: K9P.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky’s cheeks so puffy ?
A: She’s withholding evidence.

Q: What’s the difference between light and hard ?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game ?
A: You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What’s the height of conceit ?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common ?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive ?
A: Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

[wbeedie]

A deaf man goes to the the doctors with his wife.

The doctor says to him ""I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample.""

The man turns round and says to his wife ""What does he want?""

His wife says ""YOUR UNDERPANTS""

[wbeedie]

The parents of two young boys are discussing what to do about their sons foul language. Father eventually comes to a decision. " Well we have tried everything else" He says," I guess the only thing left is corporal punishment. The first little bugger that swears tomorrow will get it".

Early next morning the two boys come downstairs for breakfast. Father asks the first boy, " What would you like for breakfast son?"
The little boy replies, " I think I’ll have some fuckin" eggs".
SMACK! His father nearly knocks the boy off his feet.

He turns to the second boy and asks him what he would like for breakfast. To which the boy replies, "Well I sure don’t want any fuckin" eggs".

[wbeedie]

A guy walks into the local dole office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE taking welfare. I’d
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
satisfy her sexual urges.

You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is £50,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You’re bullshittin" me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[wbeedie]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99."

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99."



The guy slowly begins, "One .. Two ... Three ...."