93 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Little Jenny is standing in the garden, crying and filling in a hole when the next door neighbour looks over the fence and says "What are you doing there Jenny ?".

"I’m burying my goldfish, because he’s dead."

"Oh dear, what a shame. But isn’t that rather a big hole for a goldfish?".

"Yes, but he’s inside your fucking cat!"

[wbeedie]

David Beckham, Dwight Yorke and Roy Keane are having a five minute break toward the end of training one day when Keane tells the others he’s noticed that Fergie slips away at least an hour before the end of every training each day. The group look around and notice that they are basically left without supervision for the last hour of training, so collectively decide that the next day they too would slip off early once Fergie had left.

The next day after a gruelling session the three stars watch as Fergie slips away a good hour before they are due to finish. Ten minutes later, as soon as Fergie’s Bentley disappears out of the training ground Beckham, Yorke and Keane run into the changing rooms, get changed and speed off in their respective supercars.

Dwight Yorke decides to go for an early slap-up meal, while Roy Keane decides to go to the bookies. Beckham meanwhile decides to go home for some quality family time.

On entering the drawing room to his mansion, he peeps down the hall and is horrified to catch sight of Sir Alec giving Posh Space "a right good seeing-to" - in the middle of the living room rug!

Without saying a word or making a sound Beckham quietly slips back out to his car and goes for a long, long drive.

The next day the three players join up for the days training.

Dwight Yorke tells them that he had a fantastic slap-up meal and a rare early night with the missus, and that he now felt really great.

Roy Keane too says he had a great time, had won loads of money on the gee-gees and wanted to do the same thing again today.

Beckham though, looked worried, and said "No way lads, I nearly got caught by the manager last night!’

[wbeedie]

   

Larry is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What ?"
"SEX!!!"
Florence exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I paid you !"
"I know," Larry says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Florence, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it."

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry’s manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Larry’s manhood !

Furious, Florence yelled, "You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don’t have ?"
Larry smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson’s disease !!"

[wbeedie]

Paddy filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn’t been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," Paddy thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

"And this one’s even better because it locks!"

[wbeedie]

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not suprised when Paddy shows up with his accountant.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy."How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You’re on!"

Paddy says, "I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It’s a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."The auditor can tell Paddy isn’t blind, so he takes the bet Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand dollars, with Paddy’s accountant as a witness.

He starts to get nervous."Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can’t make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

But Paddy’s accountant moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the accountant. "This morning, when Paddy told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!"

[wbeedie]

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let’s go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

[wbeedie]

A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two insects mating.

"Daddy, what are those two flies doing?" she asked.
"They’re mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the fly on top?" she asked.
"That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden!"

[wbeedie]

There were these two English chaps having lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

They aproached the waitress and said that they were having trouble pronouncing where they were and asked her to say it realy slowly for them
















She answered B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G

[wbeedie]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot, "What about this one Madam?" "A beautiful bird, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant," it use to live in a brothel and as a result it’s language is a touch fruity!".

"Oh, I don’t mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot."

So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fcuk me, a new brothel and a new madam!",

"I’m not a Madam and this isn’t a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new whores," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we’re not prostitutes," complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home and the parrot says........

"Well Fcuk me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin" Dave ?"

[wbeedie]

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[wbeedie]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain’t horny. I’m homesick."

[wbeedie]

Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in women.

Unfortunatley 95% of them spat it out!!!

[young ronnie]

Husband...I want to die making love to you darling. Wife...so you want a quick death then?

[wbeedie]

David blaine test
This is creepy!

Think of a letter between A & W

Repeat it out loud as you carry on reading

Think of an animal that begins with that letter

Repeat it out loud as you carry on reading

Think of persons name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name

Now count out the letters in the name using the fingers on your right hand

Now take that hand and hold it out in front of you at face level

Look at your palm closely and notice the lines on your hand

Do the lines take the form of the 1st letter in the person's name?

Of course they bloody don't stupid!
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life and stop playing stupid games

[wbeedie]

Laura and Bob decide to try a 69er. Bob didnt know what it was, so Laura decided to show him.
She tells Bob to lie on the floor and she sits on top of his face.
Shes about to start when she farts, "oops sorry" she says and trys again.
When she farts again, Bob jumps up and storms out.
"where are you going" Laura shouts"??
I'll be fecked if im hanging about for another 67 of those" he replies!!

[wbeedie]

if a stork brings white babies and a blackbird brings black babies, what brings no babies?

A good swallow!!

[wbeedie]

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from the Govan
and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were
able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper
equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds
with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the
advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice
session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres
in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of WKD
Irn Bru, a kilo of speed and some photos of Lewis Hamiltons bird in the
shower.

[wbeedie]

I was in Tesco and I saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.
I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.
The police arrived and arrested me.






Apparently they use actors on the show...

[wbeedie]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
'Hello?
'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'**

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
Right now.
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later**
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 486-5731?'
No, I think you have the wrong number......

[wbeedie]

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' Is it them or me?

You know it's a credit crunch when...

• The cash point asks if you can spare any change.

• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.

• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

• Highgrove has been repossessed..

• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.

I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

And finally Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at A listair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.

[Adoration II]

good yin beedie

[michaelb]

Glad I'm not in Australia
......Well you wouldnt want a warm beer would you mate!.....XXXX

[michaelb]

Well! Australia said they wanted the Ashes back
........They've got them now!.....

[wbeedie]

Life lessons
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that
towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes
me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
he next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[michaelb]

3 sisters,Ann,Jan& Fa**y.All have big feet,Ann size9,Jan size 10 and Fa**y size 13.
  Ann&Jan go out on a double date.Amazed one of the boys says "F*ck me you've got big feet!".
Ann repiles" Think they're big !!! You should see our Fa**y's,they're huge!".

[young ronnie]

A rabbit was in the jungle one day and saw a gorilla taking a dump.The bunny hopped up alongside him and proceeded to do the same.When the gorilla had finished he looked down at Bugs and asked him if he ever had any bother with sh*t sticking to his fur. "Nah mate,never have any problem with that" says the bobtail,so the gorilla picked him up and wiped his arse with him.

[wbeedie]

    “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl”.

    The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

    “Yes, Father, it is.”

    “And who was the girl you were with?”

    “I can't tell you Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

    “Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

    “I cannot say.”

    “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

    “I'll never tell.”

    “Was it Nina Capelli?”

    “I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”

    “Was it Cathy Piriano?”

    “My lips are sealed.'”

    “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

    “Please Father, I cannot tell you.”

    The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself, Joey.”

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”

    “Four months vacation and five good leads.”

[wbeedie]

While holidaying at Balmoral, the Queen took a couple of days off to
drive down the North-East coast. When she got to the dunes at Balmedie
she decided she fancied a bit of off-roading. Her Range Rover was
bounding along the golden sands of Balmedie beach when there was and
enormous commotion. She rushed to see what it was and upon approaching
the scene the Queen noticed just beyond the surf, a hapless man wearing
a Rangers jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws
of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Aberdeen tops
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and
pulled the Rangers fan from the water before beating the shark to death
using long clubs.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along
with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to
the beach.

On reaching land, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that
the people of Aberdeen were intolerant of those from the central
belt but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony
which could serve as a model for other nations."

She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked
the others, "Fa wis 'at?!"

"That," one answered, " wis the Queen. She rules Britain and kens a'thing
aboot oor country."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she kens f**k all aboot shark fishing.

How's the bait hauding up? Or do we need anither een?"

[young ronnie]

Top class that yin Mr.Beedie...at least thae Huns are guid for something 

[wbeedie]

Jist as weel i jocks can laugh at emsels eh Ronnie,nah the old fla sent that een ti ma ess morning ,wunner if he wiz haein a dig at ma team lol