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[wbeedie]

A young boy went to a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, the boy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

The boy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum.

[wbeedie]

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She said, "Don’t forget your sweater.’

[wbeedie]

A bloke goes into a bar and somebody is selling a toothless ferret.

"What use is that"?, he asks, "That’s not going to catch many rabbits".

"Slip it in it your trousers" the seller replies.

So he puts it down his pants it gives him the best BJ ever. So he buys it, takes it home and gives it to his wife

"Oh" she says "Whats this"?
The bloke replies "It’s a toothless ferret".

"What am I going to do with a toothless ferret"? she asks.
"Teach it how to wash up then pack your bags and fuck off"!

[wbeedie]

   

Dear Paddy

Just a few lines to let you know that I?m still alive. I?m writing this letter slowly because I know you can?t read very fast. You won?t recognise the house when you get back, we have moved.

About your father, he has started a new job with over 2,500 people under him, he?s cutting the grass in the cemetery. There was a washing machine in the new home when we moved in but I don?t think it is working properly. I put in two of your fathers shirts, pulled the chain and haven?t seen them since.

I have just heard that your sister has had a baby, but I don?t know if it is a boy or a girl so I can?t tell you if you?re an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle Paddy Jr drowned last week in a vat of whiskey. All his work mates at the Dublin Brewery tried to save him but he fought them of very bravely. They cremated his body and took three days to put out the fire.

I went to the Doctors last week and your father came with me. The doctor put a tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 15 minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him offering him £200. It only rained twice last week, first for 3 days and second for 4. I wanted to put £10 in with this letter, for you to have a pint on me but your father already sealed the envelope. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your loving mother

XXX

[wbeedie]

   

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I’m still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You’ve been married 3 times before."
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...God, I miss him!"

[wbeedie]

A man went to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor said, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man was distraught and wonders how he to tell his wife. Well, he told her and she took it pretty well.
"This is going to be a night that you will always remember,"
"I am going to treat you like a king." she replied.
She prepared a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slipped away and returned in the most incredible negligee the man had ever seen. She lead him into their bedroom. They made the most passionate love they have ever made. The man was beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock......
He knows that he is doomed.
He taps her..."Sweetheart?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again.

"Love?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells,

"Oh sure! You don’t have to get up in the morning !"

[wbeedie]

   

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aircraft.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’
I said, "No, sir. I’m too scared.’"

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his old boy out. I swear, it was about a foot long and as big around as a baseball bat! "He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this little baby up your ass.’"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first............"

[wbeedie]

   

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I’m sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I’ll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it’s Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought, but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought, but you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was wind, but I was wrong."

[wbeedie]

   

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says,
"It’s dark in here, isn’t it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It’s dark in here, isn’t it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch."
"I can’t. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says
"It’s dark in here, isn’t it?"

"Don’t you start that shit in here now," says the priest

[wbeedie]

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what’s that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

[wbeedie]

After her fifth child, Carol decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she’d tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot, rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They’re very nice but I’m a bit confused as to why I’ve received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks"
"Ahhh, that’s really nice" said Carol

"The second is from your husband - he’s delighted the operation was such a success that he can’t wait to get you home. Apparently it’ll be the first time he’s touched the sides for years and he’s very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Carol. "And the third?"

"That’s from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

[wbeedie]

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson

"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"Ah, yes, divorce , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

[wbeedie]

Listen up ladies 1 
 

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put the bloody thing down.

Don’t cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present. . . again.

Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

[wbeedie]

The importance of concentration 
 

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don’t you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I’d get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face.

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan.

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it’s a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she’s left-handed.

WIFE:
- - silence - -


HUSBAND:
Oh fuck.

[wbeedie]

On their way to get married a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter turn up to register them. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don’t know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit around for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn’t work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever ?"

St. Peter returns after another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," say the couple, "but what if things don’t work out ? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What’s wrong?" exclaim the frightened couple.
"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here ! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a lawyer ?"

[wbeedie]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you’ve got to help me. My dick’s gone orange."

The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy’s dick is bright orange.

Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was sacked about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a bastard, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and my new boss is really great."

So the doc asks the guy, "How’s your home life?"

The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy’s stress.

Guy says, "No. For years all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home,watch porno films and eat Wotsits."

[wbeedie]

A vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little down so he decides to, well, you know, "pleasure" himself. So he’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen. Couple of minutes later, doorbell rings - it’s the window cleaner. Vicar is understanably embarrased, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 quid" comes the reply.

"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, 50 quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. Following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander "round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Guy from the village does them for me, does a great job," replies the vicar

"How much does he charge you?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"

"Fifty quid! Blimey!" says the bishop, "he must have seen you coming!"

[wbeedie]

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"

One day, the wife of one of the tribes’s noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!"

The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the kid."

[wbeedie]

Questions Questions .. 
 

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let’s just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.

Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He was getting into everybody’s hair.

[wbeedie]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 quid ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she’s dumb ?"
"No. I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the "dumb blonde" jokes."
Some time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You’re finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten pound notes.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it’s not a Porch, it’s a Jaguar."

[wbeedie]

Ladies revenge 
 

Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, & good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. When does a woman most want a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. If you slice them very thinly it takes 3 average size men.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed & go to the fridge.

[wbeedie]

   

As Tony followed Dubbya around the Whitehouse he noticed a door marked "Sex Councillor" so he asked George about it.

"Ah - that’s a leftover from Bill’s days.", said George, "I tried the guy out and he was good so we left him in place."
"Good ?" asked Blair "How. What did he do for you ?"
"Well", replied Bush, "the strains of office had taken it’s toll on my sex life but he fixed me up good."
"How ?" asked Blair looking interested.
"Well all his treatments are tailored to the individuals and will not work for others. First he carried out a thourough physical examination. Then what our treatment boiled down to was us getting our kit off and sitting on the floor facing each other. She had to play hoopla with doughnuts over my wedding tackle while I rolled grapes up between her legs into her pleasure palace. I’d suggest you see the guy."

Tony is intrigued so he books a session for Cherie and himself. After the physical the sex councillor looks worried and says "Look - I’m very sorry but there is nothing I can do to help you."
"Why not!!" exclaims Blair "What about the doughnuts and grapes thing ?"
"Hmmm", says the councillor "My treatments are supposed to be confidential but I guess we could try a variation on that one...."

"Can you get Polo mints and grapefruit in the UK ?"

[wbeedie]

   

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, in retaliation for the execution of Saddam Hussein, warned that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off supplies of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by BT and AOL customer service reps.



We’re in trouble now!!!

[wbeedie]

A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy,buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.

"Hi Missus I’ve come for the paper money, it’s £5 please." says our boy, with his hand held out.

"I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house," the woman replies in a breathy voice, "but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something..."

So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning "You can have ME instead..."

The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.

"What are they for?" asks the woman.

"Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I shag you." replies the boy.

"To hell with them! implores the woman, "I’ll take all of you!"

Our lad replies...
"Not for five fucking quid you wont!"

[wbeedie]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It’s gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That’s it! She blows her top! "You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh no - it’s started!"

[wbeedie]

Teacher to class "What does your dad do at the weekend?"

Little jack "He’s a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes when the money is right he lets punters bang his arse and come in his mouth"

Teacher pulling jack aside "Is that true?"

"No miss, truth is he goes to watch Celtic but I was too embarrassed to say!"

[wbeedie]

   

This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company.

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. "OK", thought the bloke, "I’ll give it a go". So he bought one and took it home.

That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I’m going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?" But there was no reply. He tried again, "Hey, millipede, wanna come to the pub with me?" Again, no response.

So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop.So he took the lid off the box and shouted, "I said I’m going to the pub for a drink do you want to come?"

"For f**k’s sake, I heard you the first time" snapped the millipede, "I’m just putting my shoes on."

[wbeedie]

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again"

[wbeedie]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid ?100 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies... "I’m going to London too. I want to see you live on £200 a year!"

[wbeedie]

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s hand.

Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, “I quite like the white wine but it doesn’t half make my fucking arse sore.”