207 replies to this topic

[Martin Johns]

What's the definition of optimism ? ................... 

An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

[Martin Johns]

What's the capital of Iceland ?

About £6.50

[Martin Johns]

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and Pigeons?


The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's.

[Martin Johns]

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?



A large pizza can feed a family of four.

[Martin Johns]

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[3762dazzer]

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

[3762dazzer]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin. :-\ :-\ :-\

[3762dazzer]

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

Boom Boom : :

[3762dazzer]

Police are investigating rumours that the chief executive of the Milk Marketing Board has become a Freemason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.' 

[aitivated]

Paddy won the prize for the best poem in the pub one night, it went

"I'd like to spend the rest of my life
Lying in bed shagging my lovely wife"

When he went home he told her that he'd won, and she asked him what the verse was.He thought he'd better not tell her exactly so he said it was

" I'd like to spend the rest of my life
Sitting in church with my lovely wife".

Next day she met one of Paddy's mates and he said to her " paddy won the competition in the bar last night eh!!!"
She replied " yes I'm surprised he said that because he's only been there twice in the last 4years, and one of the times he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come"

[young ronnie]

One for those of you with a decent memory...Somebody went into the local pub and stole all the coasters off the tables.....it was the drinks mat robbery.

[Hooked]

Q) Spot the difference

[move]Credit Crunch[/move]

V's

[move]The Media


A) The colour of the text!

[Mrs R]

The truth is ma husband has BALLS not GUTS.............................

[young ronnie]

If I had tried either of these things with my little nest of vipers,it would be "used to have balls,aint got them now" !!!!

[Young Knoxy]

HERE THIS HAS REALLY TAKEN OFF THATS US AT FIVE PAGES ALREADY

[young ronnie]

Paddy goes to see his mate Mick and finds him sitting in the living room watching the telly."Be a good lad Paddy and nip up the stairs and fetch me slippers out of the bedroom" says Mick. Paddy goes upstairs but picks the wrong room.When he goes in,Mick's wife and sister are standing in their underwear trying new dresses on.Thinking fast on his feet,Paddy says "Mick told me to come up and make love to both of you lovely girls". Naturally the girls don't believe him,but Paddy says "It's true I'm telling ye,hang on just now And I'll prove it". He shouts down to Mick "Ye did say both of them didn't ye?" "Of course I did ya bloody eejit" Mick roars back "what's the point in only fu**ing one" !!

[Adoration II]

Son asks Dad the difference btween theoretically  & realistically. Dad says thats hard but I have an idea. Ask Mum if she wud sleep with the milkman for  1million quid. Mum says yes. Dad says ask ur sister if she'll sleep with the coalman for  2millon quid. Sis says yes. Well there son thats ur answer, theoretically we're sitting on 3million quid, but realistically we're living with 2 slags!

[3762dazzer]

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of Tarmac on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

I thank you 

[3762dazzer]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. 
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

I'll get me coat

[young ronnie]

What was the name of the Spanish streaker ?.....Senor Willie.

[young ronnie]

Paddy opens his pay packet at the end of the week and there's 10 fivers and a big crap in it. He says "Ach sure they've paid me toime an' a turd"

[3762dazzer]

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
:

[young ronnie]

The wife said that if I wore black underwear it would turn her on....so I didnae bother washing my Y fronts for a month

[quiet waters]

wait till frank gallacher gets a had oh you mr marr!!!!

[young ronnie]

The one and only Chic Murray...a friend of mine said I should go and see Dumbarton Rock...I went there...stood for an hour and it never moved.

[quiet waters]

jokes naw my forte', observations merr my cup oh coffee, no prizes for guessin who the subject is in the latest in the funny and not so funny section

[restlesswave]

ronnies safe enough-the irish never take themselves seriously-we`ve a great sense of humour-look at who we elect to run the country! any solicitors letters yet qw from fraserburgh  threatening to sue you?- fafb used have him fired up for a whole lot less LOL.

[johntar tt10]

Like the advert on FAFB, very droll, anyways 10 out of 10 to whoever!

[quiet waters]

no credit coming my way, naw my idea or my doing, plus it widna be me he'd come after, i'm just a member like the rest of ye, a gie yappy opinionated wan but just a member, like wan oh they wee dugs nippin yer ankles, you'd find me annoying but wimmin find me adorable, aye well thats my story, i can now claim anything i want on here as i'll never tell a bigger lie, if i'd known i was capable of such falsehoods years ago i could have mebbe neebured wan oh the local herring boats, maybe naw, i was never that good, a liar that is!!!!

seriously the FAFB was barry's work, like most of the rest of the site, if its not him its one of they two other ayrshire boys and that NE loon.

[johntar tt10]

Woman comes too after a vaginal tuck operation.....
3 beautiful bunches of flowers beside the bed....
asks nurse to read the cards......
1st one is from the surgeon who performed the surgery thanking her for being such a wonderful patient.......
2nd is from hubby saying he loves her and can't wait to get her home and try it out........
3rd one is from wee joe in burns unit thanking her for his new ears !!!!!!!!!!!!