207 replies to this topic

[Adoration II]

A little guy is sat at the bar, when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face an says "thats KUNG FU from japan", a bit later the thug smacks him again an says "thats KARATE from korea", the little guy gets up an leavs the bar. A short time later he comes back an smacks the thug knockin him out cold and says 2 the barman "wen that cunt wakes up, tell him that was a fuckin CROWBAR FROM HALFORDS!

[Adoration II]

Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge and spots his ex about to jump. "Sheila, what the hell you doin..". She looks round in tears and says "G'day Bruce. You got me pregnant and left me, so now I'm gonna kill myself". "Strewth Sheila, your not only a great shag, but a fukin good sport as well".

[quiet waters]

aye very good, expect a message from jordan asking you to edit the bad feckin language, i'm hopping off to kitchen for a fag, hard to walk when you've put both feet in it, need to stert listenin to names when i'm telt them.

[johntar tt10]

Old guy is in a lift and two glamorous dolly birds get in, First one takes out a perfume bottle and sprays her neck....
"Romance by Ralp Lauren, £150 per bottle" she tells old guy,
2nd  one takes out a perfume bottle and sprays her wrist....
"Chanel No 5, £200 per bottle" she says to old guy,
Lift stops and as the old guy is getting out he lets off a rackzer of a fart,
Turns and tells dolly birds.....
"Broccoli by Lidls, 50p a bunch"

[quiet waters]

A fisherman was marooned on a deserted island for 20 years.

He was finally rescued by a merchant marine ship. As the fisherman was packing his meager belongings the captain of the ship asked, "I noticed you have built four huts. You are the only person on the island. What are they for?"

"Well", said the fisherman, "this one is my residence, the second is my church and that third is my micro brewery where I make coconut beer."

"That's very interesting", said the captain, " but, what about the fourth hut?" Oh", said the sailor, "That's the church I belonged to before I started drinking Coconut Beer."

[quiet waters]

A lady on a cruise bought a parrot on an island stop and took it back to the ship. After two days at sea the lady found her new friend laying on its back - feet pointed straight up.

She hailed the ship's doctor, "Please help my friend," wailed the lady. "I'm sorry the bird is quite dead" said the doc. "No, no..it can't be", cried the lady.

The doctor called in his own pet, a Labrador retriever, which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out.

Next, the doctor called in his cat which carefully walked a circle around the bird and walked out.

"No doubt about it ", said the doctor, "That is a dead bird."

The doctor reached for his pen and pad. He wrote out a bill and handed it to the lady. "Eight Hundred dollars!?" cried the lady.

"That's Correct! I'm charging you for three procedures. There is my opinion, a lab report and a cat scan."

[quiet waters]

Ricki's new crewman was busy tailing away on deck, when the skipper came out to join him at the table (thats it, thats the joke!!!) only kidding

as they tailed away ricki struck up a conversation with the young lad to pass the time, "tell me" said ricki, "why did you decide to leave your last berth?"
"well" started the lad "my last skipper was the most overbearing and arrogant man i've ever met" he said "everyone thats ever worked for him says the same thing, even the salesman got fed up with him and told him he needed to see a shrink" "bet that annoyed him?" said ricki "did he go?" "funny you should ask" replied the crewman "by coincidence i just happen to be dating the shrink's assistant, she told me the other night that my old boss had been in to see her employer" "wonder what the shrink said to him?" enquired ricki, "thats the best bit" the lad replied "her boss accidently left his intercom on and she heard the whole thing, seems her boss got him comfy on the big leather couch and asked him to start at the beginning"
"she said there was a long pause, followed by a sigh, then she heard the skippers voice speak, well, in the beginning i created the heavens and the earth.........."

[young ronnie]

An old one this...Scotsman out in the desert trying to get his camel to move(maybe it had the hump?)but no way would it walk on.He tried hitting it wi' a stick,kicking it,whipping it..no joy,it just stayed put.Along comes a wee Arab lad wi' two bricks,got underneath the camel and CRASH,brought the bricks together one either side of the camel's baws.The camel disappeared into the distance going like a train. Jock dropped his kecks, and says to the Arab "you'd better dae the same tae me pal,I've got tae catch the bas**rd"

[Young Knoxy]

NICE ONE YR GOOD OLD FASIONED FUN

[quiet waters]

the phone rang in jonah's hoose one day and being alone in the hose at the time jonah was forced to get up fae his seat to answer it. "hello,0133 3** ****" said jonah, "who can ah help ye?" "oh, good morning" said the voice on the other end of the line "could ah spik tae the lady oh the hoose?" "sorry, but ye canna the noo" replied jonah "shes at arbroath", "oh" said the caller "in that case could you ask her to call 01586 5539** when shes finished her soup?"

[young ronnie]

I don't think our younger/English/foreign members would get that old wise one,but for us who did..guid yin !!

[restlesswave]

do i fit in to the `younger`(well maybe not that) or foreign?-i get it fine lol -well in fairness much of donegal dialect is the same as scots lol

[Young Knoxy]

IM YOUNG AND THAT JOKE IS GREAT I TOLD MY PAPA THAT AND HE COULDNT STOP LAUGHING

[young ronnie]

You're like Ambleman Frankie...an hon.Scot now !!

[Young Knoxy]

LITTLE APRIL WAS ASLEEP IN CLASS. THE TEACHER DECIDED TO TRY AND CATCH HER OUT AND ASKS TELL ME APRIL WHO CREATED THE UNIVERSE? WHEN APRIL DIDNT STIR, HER FRIEND LITTLEJABBED HER IN THE BACK WITH A PEN, GOD ALMIGHTY! SHOUTED APRIL. A LITTLE LATER THE TEACHER ASKS HER WHO IS OUR SAVIOUR ? JOHNNY AGAIN PRODS HER WITHA PEN AND APRIL SHOUTS JESUS CHRIST! THE TAECHER DETERMIND TO CATCH HER ASLEEP AND ASKS WHAT DID EVE SAY TO ADAM AFTER SHE HAD THERE 23rd CHILD?
JOHNNY AGAIN COMES TO THEW RESCUE AND JABS APRIL WHO SCREAMS IF YOU STICK THAT FECKING THING IN ME ONCE MORE, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE !!!

[young ronnie]

What kind of education is that fancy school in Ayr giving you laddie ?...dear me ah'm blushin' here. lol

[Young Knoxy]

NOT FROM SCHOOL THAT ONE FROM MY PAPA AN EX FISHERMAN

[young ronnie]

That sounds about right...I should have known !!

[Young Knoxy]

YIP YOUR ARE LOSING YOUR TOUCH YOUNG RONNIE

[young ronnie]

No THAT much lol

[Young Knoxy]

well its getting gie close

[young ronnie]

I cannae stey the best for ever ma loon,I've got tae gie you a wee chance sometime lol

[Young Knoxy]

THATS GOOD OF YEA TO GIE ME A WEE CHANCE

[young ronnie]

Told to me by big Jim Reid of the FR Mizpah/Girl Sylvia...twa wee Broch wifies went intae a public toilet and as only one cubicle was empty they both piled in.The first wee wumman sniffed the air and said "My goad,an affa stink in here Jeannie,it must be urine" "Nah nah" says her chum,"it's nae mine,mine wis washed this mornin'"

[young ronnie]

This one from big John Fairnie of the Fisherrow Fragrant...There was a lad who was daft about the Muppets.He watched them on the telly every week,and had books about them as well,just couldnae get enough of them.He was in bed with his wife one night engaging in a wee spot of "horizontal jogging",when his wife said to him "what would ye like for your Christmas this year Wullie?"  "A Muppet" he says. "aye I ken" says his wife,"but what would ye like for your Christmas?"

[quiet waters]

that reminds me of an encounter between an old crewmate of mine Sna Ba and a freen oh our ain james jack, the original andy jack of the Faithful, they were in a local hostelry one weekday evening and engaged in conversation, sna asked andy if he had any children "aye, twa quines an a loon" replies andy, "oh i'm sorry to hear that" says sna "does he go to a special school?" i reckon he knew the answer as andy jnr often skippered the boat when the seined in the clyde. there was a follow up which i reckon is about as reliable as the first whereby andy asked sna if he was seekin a pint? "no" replied sna "i can hold my drink, i've never been seek!!"
i heard both stories often enough that i was seek of them, every time we encountered the faithful the stories would be retold either at the table or when below for a cuppa, said more aboot sna ba than it did aboot andy, who could draw my name out longer than any man i ever met, adding half a dozen "aw's" between the "M" and the "RIS" he'd always give you a hail before shooting his dhan away, you knew he was meaning "get to feck oot ma road" but he was that polite about it you didn't mind obliging him.

[Islander]

Guts Or Balls......
There is a medical distinction. We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?? In an effort to keep you informed the definitions are listed below.....

GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, Being met by the wife with a broom and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning" or " Are you flying off somewhere"?

BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the boys smelling of beer and perfume,lipstick on your collar, slapping the wife on the arse and having the balls to say"YOUR NEXT"

[quiet waters]

not going to fall into the trap, instead we'll leave it to fiona to enlighten us on which one applies to yourself, i'll happily admit to having neither, the only thing i have resembling the first is the part of my anatomy i might rest a plate of biscuits on while watching telly, the second i relinquished all control of at about 4pm on the 18th November 1983, even the great train robbers didn't serve that long!!!! and yes, i was a child bride...                                                               
                [move][color=red][b]groom[/move].

[3762dazzer]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.

Boom Boom

I thank you

[3762dazzer]

I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'