207 replies to this topic

[restlesswave]

a wee lad after leaving school gets a job as a morgue assistant and does 3 months training and gets all his certs. over one of the bank holidays all the lab techs want the weekend off so it`s up to the wee lad to hold fort on his own for the first time with the simple instruction-bag em,tag em and stick them in the fridge. tuesday morning all the heads are back at work and one asks the wee lad who is obviously a bit distressed was it a busy weekend? no he replies and gesticulating to a drawer says only one but theres something funny about her. so overcome with curiosity all the lab staff make their way to the drawer to see whats new.
   on unzipping the bag they find a creature that could only be described as a supermodel. sensing that the reason the wee lad was upset because it was somebody his own age the senior lab tech takes the situation in hand- these things happen laddie-you`ll get used to it. no no no the wee lad says it`s not that she`s no right. whaddya mean asks the senior? shes no right down below says the wee lad-at this stage the whole morgue is enthralled-whaddya mean laddie that she`s no right down below?-explain yerself. so the wee lad takes a deep breath and blurts out-she has a prawn stuck in her fanny! the senior makes a dive for the zip pulls it down and starts to roar and laugh-when he got his composure back he say`s -ya stupid wee c**t that`s her clit! after much mirth and merciless teasing-our junior has enough and loses it and exclaims-WELL HOW WAS I TO KNOW- IT LOOKED LIKE A PRAWN AND TASTED LIKE A PRAWN............

[Hooked]

Without Prejudice 

Whats the difference between Trawlerpictures & Trawlerphotos?

Ones a laugh & the others a joke  :

[quiet waters]

all those weeks i thought i was alone in limbo between that place and this and there ye go, ye wait ages for a like mind to come along and then over 250 all arrive at the same time

i see the morgue joke unveiled another of my autochange words, i thought it only fitting since DT is the biggest f anny i've ever come across, no pun intended!!!! see what hingin aboot wae you lot has done in a few short days, perverted me, ye should need to be auld enough to buy a cairry oot to be allowed into this topic, young jordan wid be saying hail marys for a month if he veesited this place, ye cud go blin just reading them.

[restlesswave]

funny i was thinking that-therell be a membership of thousands of spotty adolescents on here just for the dirty jokes-when the word gets round.

[quiet waters]

is it too late to kid on i'm one of them? my mum caught me browsing trawlerpictures joke page and i'm banned from using the computer for a month, admin caught me posting pictures of QW, ricki and islander and i'm just banned!!!

[young ronnie]

That's one of the special talents that young laddies have ...they can read Playboy magazine with one hand.

[quiet waters]

i've heard tell of some so agile they can sit back hands behind their heads and still turn the pages. but thats evolution for you, in your day you needed to ask the shop assistant to get them for you from the top shelf, nowadays they can reach by themselves by the age of twelve.

[young ronnie]

By the age of twelve,maist laddies nowadays would have the shop assistant through the back to put intae practice what they had read in the book. The wife said that her mother(born 1908)used to aye say to her "you're far better off no giving youngsters any information aboot sex...if they ken aboot it they'll only want a wee shot !!"  And as we all know it's the "wee shot" that causes all the trouble !!

[Hooked]

Aye, your're not wrong there YR, i haven't got much, but it was enough to fill a pram!

[markh]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues late into the night'

[markh]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait
that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and
totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises,
but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the
painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that  the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish
coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[3762dazzer]

I;ve been on the piss most of the night but

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Get gthe f*** to bed u pri**

Night night

[quiet waters]

and once again he counts them all in and counts them all out again!!!

[quiet waters]

i was at the funeral the other day, an old friend, he was a door to door salesman, nice service but the funeral dragged on all day, the undertaker couldn't get his foot out of the lid.

[young ronnie]

A couple of Essex Girl jokes so they don't feel left out.  What's the difference between an Essex Girl and the Titanic...only 1500 men went down on the Titanic........What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Kit-Kat......you only get 4 fingers in a Kit-Kat.

[Dirty Dan]

A little girl ran crying to her mum asking for a glass of cider, "What do you want a glass of cider for?" "Ive cut my hand on a thorn" Explains the child. " So why the cider?" "Well i overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she feels a lot better once its in cider"

[Adoration II]

If god made the front of a womans body, who made the back?. . . . The COUNCIL,who else would put a ass!!!! next to a play area?

[Dirty Dan]

What have Pellicans, penguins, and the social security all got in common?.......

They can all shove their bills up their arses!!!

[young ronnie]

Lad goes in to a shop and asks the wee girl behind the counter "Excuse me Miss,do you keep stationery".....She says  "Only up to the last couple of minutes,then I go absolutely wild"

[young ronnie]

Old boy in the chemists asking about Viagra.."Will I be able to get it over the counter"....Young assistant says "All depends on how many you take"

[johntar tt10]

Two pals, one from Edinburgh one from Glasgow, take their girls out for a drink,
Edinburgh guy notices when his mini skirted girl crosses her legs she's no wearing Knickers....
"Jeezus Elizabeth I can see your lady bits, here's £25 away to M&S and buy yourself a pair of knickers dear" he whispers to her......
While later Glasgow guy's girl crosses her legs and he see's she not wearing knickers............
"TRACY" he roars "everyone can see your hairy pussy, here's a lend of my comb go tidy yersel up hen".....

[young ronnie]

Lobster Thermidor and oral sex have a great deal in common...they're both lovely and a special treat,and you're no likely to get either of them at home.

[restlesswave]

woman goes into a tattoo parlour and asks the artist to tattoo john lennon inside her right thigh looking up at her and paul mccartney on the inside her left thigh looking up at her-our lad duly obliges and when he`s done she`s not happy-that`s feck all like any of the two of them. to which the artist replies-give it a coupla weeks till it all settles down an you`ll think it`s a photo off them.
   two weeks pass and in comes our woman again-not a happy camper. so to mollify her the tattoo artist says we`ll get an independent opinion-so they go out and pull an elderly gentleman off the street-and the artist confidently asks him who`s that, pointing to john lennon the old lad goes in for a good look and he says-a dinna ken son. so unperturbed he points to paul mccartney-who`s that? to which the old lad replies a dinna ken either-but a can tell ye wan thing see thon boy in tha middle wi tha beard an tha bad breath-thons definetly willie nelson.....

[young ronnie]

Old saying...only two things smell and rotten fish is one of them

[restlesswave]

another tattoo one-a boy wants to give his wife a present so he goes to the tattooist and asks him to tattoo his wifes name on his knob-the tattooist asks-whats her name?-wendy, our man replies ok so throw it out an i`ll fire it on quickly for you. so our man delivers the said appendage to the mirth of the tattooist-who says i`ll never fit the whole name on! so our lad not going to be beat gives it a bit of a rub and says-you`ll surely get it on now.so duly he got his tattoo only problem was when his mickey shrank again all you could see was `WY`
  years later our man was in a public toilet in london and at the urinal beside him was a big rastafarian from jamaica. as he glanced down he happened to see `WY` on the jamaicans knob as well. the jamaican catches him staring.and says what you lookin at man-are you some kinda perv? which flustered our boy. no no no i just see the `WY`you have a wife called wendy too?- oh no man i`m not married mine says -WELCOME TO JAMAICA AND HOPE YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOLIDAY......

[brixhamrfc]

Quote

Not a joke as such....but you'll cry with laughter....go to youtube and type in "Farting Preacher".....have fun !!
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[Dirty Dan]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

[Dirty Dan]

Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked", perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.