95 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Paddy decides to travel to Canada to see the Pacific Ocean ...

When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!

He walks into the Macmillian-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an experienced Logger. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone.

But first, the Bush Foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the roadand points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains'.

Paddy promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka spruce, eh, And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er.'

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road.

He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.

This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. 'Bejesus and Lord tunderin'!! Dat's yer Douglas fir and she got 690 board feet.' says Paddy.

Now the foreman is reallyimpressed. Paddy has answered quickly and got the answers right without using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, 'And what about that one? Before the foreman finishes pointing, Paddy says, 'A yeller cedar, 242 board feet at mos'.'

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks Paddy is smarter than him.

As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks Paddy to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'See that tree over there? I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!

The foreman thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is the front of the tree?'

When Paddy reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground.

He then reaches up and places a white x on the trunk. He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. 'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure.' Paddy states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'

Paddy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot, cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Coz somebody took a shit behind it, eh!'

He got the job and is now the foreman.

[wbeedie]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[restlesswave]

davie goes to the std clinic for his test results he takes his boyfriend john for moral support. the doctor says davie,i have no easy way to say this-you are h.i.v positive,in other words AIDS. after the inevitable silence davie sobs ,what am i going to do? after thinking for a while the doctor says well davie-the only thing i can reccomend is at least ten pints off guiness this evening and tonight and on the way home stop for an indian and have one prawn vindaloo and a mutton vindaloo-make sure you finish both. a slightly more optomistic john says-will this start to cure me? no, the doctor thoughtfully replied-but it will show you what your a**e is really for.................. !

[wbeedie]

 

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you ' . Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.' 'Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike--it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

'The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

[wbeedie]

 

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the
Bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and
Panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her
Four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Susan is hiding in your
Closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bed room, right
Past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her
Sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bitch," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the
Kids!"

[michaelb]

Woman in coma,a nurse giving a sponge bath notices a response as she cleans her f***y.
Nurse tells husband,maybe oral sex will bring her out of the coma.Reluctantly he agrees,after a few minutes alone in her room the woman dies."What happened"the nurse ask he says"I think she choked!".