95 replies to this topic

[Jammy]

are we running out yet boys??

[3762dazzer]

Not quite

I walked out the chippie tonight with a pie, a tramp sat outside said to me

"I haven't eaten for two days mister!"

Lucky b******d wish I had that sort of will power

[wbeedie]

gie ma a wee while

[Jammy]

oh come come mr beedie you must have another book or two's worth to share

[wbeedie]

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

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Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.

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You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

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I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

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The difference between marriage and death?
Dead people are free.

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There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through hell.

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There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

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It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

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Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

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Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere

[wbeedie]

A man was sitting in the bar in departures at Gatwick airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

So he decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face..................Ryanair.

[Adoration II]

sure its sunday roast 4 dinner lol

[Xander Fulton]

its a hard life being a pe**s

only got one eye

hairs a mess

neighbours are nuts

theres an arse hole round the corner

and your best friends a fa**y

[young ronnie]

After that comment the "deeply offended" wa*kers are getting ready to march even as I type Michaelb...They're gunning for Carol Thatcher too,so you had better watch out !!!..(nae sense o' humour some folk  )

[Barry McCrindle]

A few Tommy Cooper Ones


Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. 

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says,  "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"
   
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then."

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"  

He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?"

And a voice said  "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"

He said "It depends where you're calling from." 
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."

He said "I'm not stopping you."
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said "You've been promoted." 

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again."

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director."

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"

And I said "I careered off the road."

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought "This is unusual".
And the dentist said to me, "Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet." 

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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure - you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time."
The man replied, "I know I've been ill."

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places."

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places."

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said,  "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted,  "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
  
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that 

you can't have your kayak and heat it. 


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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue work ers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[michaelb]

   
   Enjoy yourselves every one the SNOW is melting and our country will turn Green again(ooops dont want to offend the men from Mars),not like yesterdays Snow White conditions countrywide. (Or when the valleys hushed or white with snow.......Danny Boy)

[young ronnie]

I wouldn't worry too much michaelb..from the moment we wake up in the morning we offend somebody somewhere over something at some point during the day(the "I have to be outraged/offended brigade") All I can say to these people is "get a feckin' life"

[michaelb]

Still cant understand why my post was deleted.I was certainly not offended by it but then again i think i have a good sense of humor,if the PC gang are on here not much will be posted without complaint. 

[ADMIN1]

The supposed joke, was a statement, not a joke and not in the least bit funny, that's why it was deleted.
I'm sure everyone will agree very very few comments, jokes and posts ever get deleted on here
Thanks for your opinion anyway

[calumbo]

Quote

I wouldn't worry too much michaelb..from the moment we wake up in the morning we offend somebody somewhere over something at some point during the day.

Blatant racism without any humor attached makes the community look like a bunch of small minded racist bigots and negatively affects us all. There have been many close to the line jokes and as far as I can tell this is the first to be wiped, so it is hardly over the top 'PC gone mad'.

Personally, I don't offend people every day, and If I did then Id be sure to know who it was I was offending, rather than the strangers and visitors who may read these boards...

There is a difference between a racial joke, and racism I think.

No hard feelings guys, back to the jokes?

[markh]

Quote

Still cant understand why my post was deleted.I was certainly not offended by it but then again i think i have a good sense of humor,if the PC gang are on here not much will be posted without complaint. 

OK, explain which bit was funny then and why?

to me it appeared nothing more than an out and out racist statement

maybe we got it wrong.  so please explain it to us

[young ronnie]

Fair comment and no complaints from me about it.For the record,I do not consider myself a racist in any shape or form,but I just wish that the righteous indignation/totally outraged etc.etc. mob would be like me when I get Jock jokes thrown at me and take it on the chin and in good part,and not be so mortally offended every time....life's far too short for that. After that rant let's get back to the banter lads This was in reply to Calumbo's post but it got out of line slightly and was not a reply to Markh's post.

[wbeedie]

It's Good To Be......BLACK

Obama the 1st black president.
Lewis Hamilton the 1st black F1 world champ.
Will Smith the worlds highest paid black actor.

How times change.
Its a real good time to be black.

Poor old Michael Jackson,

Must be f*****g kicking himself.

[wbeedie]

Woman helping hubby set up computer, for a password hubby types:

PENIS

Wife falls off chair laughing when the computer replies:

PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH

[wbeedie]

"I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57 -year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?"

[wbeedie]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
Her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
Was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[wbeedie]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece .

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

[wbeedie]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse shakes it up and gargles.Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks Whatt hell was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a toilet and she gets in!

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, but even in Heaven,

a royal flush

beats a pair !

[wbeedie]

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute.

Who are you suppose to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute.

Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black.

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.

This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks.

"Chocolate M&M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

[wbeedie]

Rikki, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads

For the docks once more, for old times' sake. He engages a prostitute and
takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a
guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??

The prostitute replies, 'Well Rikki, old sailor, you're doing about three
knots.'

Three knots?' he asks. 'What's the hell that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back.

[wbeedie]

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'Ya know, Seamus , one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'

[calumbo]

Jeeso, wbeedie, you're on form tonight 

young ronnie, cheers , I think we are all coming from the same angle here, so lets forget about it. I know that were not a bad bunch, but its best not to give out the wrong impression. We have visitors here from everywhere, from the Philippines, South Africa, Brazil, the states, Japan, Australia, Russia etc etc. All colors and creeds welcome

[Adoration II]

what do u get if u cross a rooster with a packet of opalfruits ...............a cock that makes her mouth water

[Adoration II]

snow white been disqualified from disneys x.factor she was found sitting on pinnocchios face singing tell me lies tell me sweet little lies 

[DEFENDER]

Two portavogie fishermen Ivan and big wurzel were sitting on a bench talking, and  big wurzel  says to Ivan, "Which do you think is farther away...Belfast or the moon?"

The Ivan turns and says "Hellooooo, can you see Belfast?"