41 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says"Fooooooooooooock dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[wbeedie]

A Man walks into a bar and orders six double
bourbons and the barman asks the man what
his troubles were.
"No troubles", said the customer "In fact I am
celebrating".
"Celebrating what?" asked the barman.
"I have just had my first blowjob". came the
reply.
"In that case let me give you a seventh
double on the house" replied the barman.
"No Thanks", said the man "If six don't get rid
of the taste nothing will!"

[wbeedie]

A man is looking for a Christmas
gift for his wife, and after walking
through the mall for hours he
gives up and goes to the bar.
He sees a good friend of his
sitting at the bar, so he goes over
to him and says, " I will buy you a
drink if you can give me some
ideas about what to buy my wife
for Christmas."
His friend replies, "I got my wife a
pair of slippers and a great
vibrator. Worked for me!”
The man wasn’t sure what to
think of his friends extraordinary
idea and looked at him with a
quizzical gaze in his eye.
His friend explains that if she
doesn't like the slippers, she can
go **** herself.

[wbeedie]

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's east side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck naw, they're nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the f*ck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
 

[wbeedie]

Why Men Don't Write Adivce Columns
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help

Sincerely,
Sheila



Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps
WALTER

[Adoration II]

newly weds arrive at honeymoon hotel receptionest asks if they have any reservations bride says ..........im not sure about taking it up the ass 

[Adoration II]

prince philip has released a statement sayinghe is ashamed and disappointed by his grandsons behaviour.......he couldnt believe he had a little paki friend

[wbeedie]

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !'

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

[wbeedie]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


........ AND WHAT WERE YOU.... THINKING?

[wbeedie]

The Day The P.Niss Asked For A Raise,

I, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.
I do physical labour,
I work at great depths,
I don't get weekends or public holidays off,
I work in a damp environment
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation,
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely

P.Niss


Response


Dear P.Niss

After assessin your request and considering the arguments you have raised,
We reject your request for the following reasons.

You don't work 8 hours straight,
You fall asleep after brief work periods,
You don't take initiative,
You need to be pressured & stimulated into starting work,
You leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift,
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
Such as wearing correct protective clothing,
You’re unable to work double shifts and as if that wasn’t all.
You constantly enter the workplace carrying two suspicious bags!

Yours

Sincerely

V.Gina

[wbeedie]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."



"Is that when you swore?"



"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."



"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.



"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"



"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.



"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."



"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.



"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."



The two nuns were silent for a moment.



Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"

[wbeedie]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.



The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.



The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.



A few minutes pass.



The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.



The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.



A few more minutes pass.



The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.



The man has finally had all he can handle.



He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your
nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"



The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."



The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"



The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper".
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