41 replies to this topic

[Fishermen-Jordan]

more laughs?

[wbeedie]

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[wbeedie]

The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows,
covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way across the top shelf
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy


could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she

has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:




'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'

[wbeedie]

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings.
Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door,
there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob.
Before she can say a word,
Rob says,
"I'll give you £500 to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment,
the woman drops her towel.
He looks for a few seconds, hands her £500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs.
Her husband yells out from the shower,
"Who was that?"

"It was Rob from next door,"
she replies.

"Great,"
the husband says.

"Did he say anything about the £500 he owes me?"

[wbeedie]

The other night I was expecting an important phone call,
so I slept with my mobile under the pillow.

When I woke up,
it was gone and there was just a shiny new fifty pence piece where I'd left it.





Damn that bluetooth fairy!

[wbeedie]

Life before computers...

    * Memory was something you lost with age
    * An application was for a job
    * A programme was a tv show
    * A cursor was someone who swore a lot
    * A keyboard was a piano
    * A web was a spiders home
    * A virus was the flu
    * A hard drive was a long trip down the road
    * A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy you just hoped that nobody found out!!!

[wbeedie]

Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts 'Oi driver yer losing yer load,driver shouts back 'F**k Off!!. 5 miles further up the road Paddy pulls alogside again and shouts 'Oi driver yer losing yer load,driver shouts back 'Will you f**k off!!'. 5 miles further on Paddy pulls alongside again and shouts 'driver Im not joking yer losing yer load. Driver shouts 'Will you f**k away off you thick b***ard I'm gritting the road!!'

[wbeedie]

Another big company has fallen victim to the credit crunch,Pedigree Chum looks set to close and they have already called in the retrievers!!

[johntar tt10]

This a story of a fishing boat crew..............

They were named..................

Everycunt, Somecunt, Anycunt and Nocunt...................

One day there was job needing done on the boat................

Somecunt was asked to do it...................

Everycunt was sure Somecunt would do it..................

But Nocunt did it............................

Everycunt got angry because it was Somecunt's job to do it............................

Nocunt realised that Anycunt could have done it...................

It ended up with Everycunt blaming Somecunt and................

Nocunt doing what Anycunt could have done................

Think I worked with Thesecunts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[johntar tt10]

Wifey walks into the living room............

Finds Hubby sitting on couch holding marriage certificate...................

Wife asks "What are you looking at the marriage certificate for?"

Hubby replies "The feckin expiry date!"............

[Adoration II]

TAE A FART - oh wit a sleekit horrible beastie, lurks in yer belly efter a feastie, nae maiter wit u dae abodys gona hiv 2 pay, even if u try 2 stifle, its lyk a bullet oot a rifle, hawd ur bum tight 2 the chair, 2 try n stop the leakin air, shimmy yersel fae cheek 2 cheek n pray 2 god it disnae reek, oot it cums lyk a clap o thunder, ricochets aroon the room, michty me a sonic boom! God al michty it fairly reeks, hope i huvnae shit my breeks!

[Adoration II]

Bob saw his doctor & asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional". With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doc burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem? "
"Its swollen" said Bob.

[Adoration II]

HEARD U G0T R0BBED LAST NITE JAMMY AND THE R0BBER GAVE U 2 CH0ICES: to give up your phone or suck his booby ......i see u still got ur phone...

[Adoration II]

Todays sexist jokes are: What is long, hard and fecks a woman? An IQ test. What paralyses a woman from the waist down? Marriage. How do you stop a woman from sucking your booby?. Marry the bitch.And finaly why hasnt a woman walked on the moon?Because its never needed cleaning.

[sorcha]

TAE A FART .... lol an ah didnae think there was much wind the day ! Good yin fur a Bums supper tho!

[wbeedie]

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video shop and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video shop to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Shop assistant: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde says "It's called 'Head Cleaner."

[michaelb]

Rabbie Burns comin home fae the pub,sees 2 folk at it!so he stops to watch.The police arrive&say toRabbie you will have to go to court and testify against them.At court the judge  calls him to ask what he'd seen
I saw two people f**king!.
You cant use language like that in court.
OK
.....I wis comin back fae Brigadoon
   When I saw twa people lying doon,
   Her skirt wis high
   His erse wis bare
   His co*k wis in amongst her hair
   His baws wur swingin to & fro
   If thats not F*ckin i dont know.

[michaelb]

Two honeymooning ducks are in a hotel.As they are about to make love the drake says"We dont have any condoms I'll call room service and ask for some to be sent up".The receptionist says "Fine sir would you like me put them on your bill?".
...No you daft c**t" he says "I'll f**king suffocate".

[Adoration II]

researchers have discovered that excessive mastrabation whilst at sea can cause dyselixa amongst fishermen hwoeevr tihls is olny in etxreem caeess of slef aubse wkaenr

[young ronnie]

Thas't jsut a loda fo totla nonsnese Rkici...nevre headr suhc drubish in ym lief 

[wbeedie]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom,
And then a £10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want
Me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears,
And another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of
Interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

[Adoration II]

man takes wife docs doc says its bad news shes either got aids or alzimers............ the man asks how will i know doc says put her on the bus if she comes back dont shag her

[Adoration II]

a klu klux lan member has just had his rottweller upgradedand chipped its now up 2 10 iggerbites

[wbeedie]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

[wbeedie]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy seeex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

........
........
........
........
........
........
........
........
........

Four-sprung Duck technique

[wbeedie]

Peter invites his Mum for tea,
she notices his flatmate Joe is very handsome and slightly camp.

Although she suspected Peter of being gay,
he denies anything is going on and says that they are only flat mates.

A week later Joe says to Peter,
"ever since your mum came to tea i cant find the frying pan"

Peter emails his mum and says
"Dear mum, im not saying you DID take the frying pan and im not saying you DID NOT take the frying pan, but its been missing ever since you been for tea"

His mum replies
"Dear son, im not saying you DO sleep with Joe and im not saying you DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the F**King frying pan..
by for now!
Love Mum"

[wbeedie]

An old Irish man marries a young Irish girl and they are deeply in love. however, no matter what Paddy does sexually, his young wife never achieves an orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;

Hire a strapping young man, and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both.

Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm." They go home and follow the therapist's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist

"Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and Paddy waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, earth shattering, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, Paddy drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly:

"Now THAT'S how you wave a fecking towel, son!!"

[wbeedie]

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's
mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the
whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it
out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy
box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and
moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not
getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good
hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in
common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

[wbeedie]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH           
   
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.   
 
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.   
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'   


 
The Aussie said 'One!'     

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.   
How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked .    £124,237,64!!   What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'   
 
 
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'   
     
 
 
 
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull  it, so I took him down  to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4   
 

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no...
He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...   
 

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[wbeedie]

M&S announce job losses
Lovingly wrapped in a nice creamy envelope with gorgeously detailed fine gold writing and a first class stamp... This isn't just any P45 this is a Marks & Spencers P45....