30 replies to this topic

[Fishermen-Jordan]

any more jokes? for the new week 

[wbeedie]

500 Israeli troops have rapidly entered Jordan
early reports say he is tired & his arse is sore
but he says that he will soldier on

[wbeedie]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[Jammy]

hahahah classic wullie just classic

[wbeedie]

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 dollars apiece.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to theforest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish the villagers stopped their effort.
He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.


Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.


The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an


effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!


The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However,since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.


In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers:


"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."


The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for700 billion dollars.


They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!


Now you have a better understanding of how the


WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!



It doesn't get much clearer than this................

[wbeedie]

A blonde just texted me saying,
"what does idk stand for?"

I text back saying,
"I don't know"

and she replies,
"omg, no one does!"

[wbeedie]

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[wbeedie]

Welsh Movie Industry
In light of the fact that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has truly become part of Hollywood,
the Welsh film industry has decided to step up production.
They plan to remake many well known films but with a Welsh flavour to them.

The following are some planned for release next year....

9 ½ Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American in Powys
Huw Dares Gwyneth
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Sheepless in Seattle
The Eagle has Llandudno
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout

[wbeedie]

It's not difficult.
To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

=========================================

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him.
2. Feck him.
3. Be quiet.

[young ronnie]

If we're on the classroom jokes Willie...A wee lassie shouts to the teacher "Please Miss I've just peed myself "  Teacher asks "why didn't you put your hand up ?" she says "I did Miss,but it just run through" 

[wbeedie]

Furryboots toon 4 Septic 2 

[young ronnie]

Don't mess with a woman.....
If you give her sperm,she'll give you a baby
If you give her a house,she'll give you a home
If you give her groceries,she'll give you a meal
If you give her a smile,she'll give you her heart
She multiplies everything that is given to her
                  BUT..........
If you are stupid enough to give her any cr*p
Be prepared to receive a ton of sh*t in return
     WISE WORDS....TAKE HEED LADS !!!

[michaelb]

Three students doing a psychiatry lesson,the first student was asked
Whats the opposite of joy?she said sorrow
The second student was asked whats the opposite of depression he said happiness
Then paddy was asked whats the opposite of woe,he replied .......Giddy Up!

[michaelb]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
theire biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.After a long life the husband was the first to go
and true to his word he made contact.....Mary....Mary
  "Is that you Fred?"
  "Yes, ive come back like we agreed".....
  "Whats it like?"
  "Well,i get up in the morning,I have sex,I have breakfast.Off to the golf course,iI have sex.
I bathe in the sun and then I have sex twice.I have lunch,another romp around the golf course
then sex pretty much all afternoon.After super golf course again.Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again".
   "Oh Fred you must surely be in heaven".
   "Not exactly Im a rabbit in Suffolk".

[michaelb]

Ive just come out of the chippy eating a pie,large fish and chips and beans.
A tramp sat outside on the floor outside said "Ive had nothing to eat for 2 days",
I said "I wish I had your Effing will-power".

[sprayartman]

The Painter

A blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a 'handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blond, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she might need
were in the garage. His wife overheard the conversation and asked,
"Does she realize that porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it.Do you think she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blond
email jokes we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man handed her the $50.00."And by the way," the
blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[sprayartman]

Broccoli Casserole 





A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.


This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been

snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.


Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

[sprayartman]

Subject: ...And then, the fight started.



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She

asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'



And then the fight started...



******************************************



My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And then the fight started....



******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed

the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to

the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The

wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the

radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."



My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started...



******************************************



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,

well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!



He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY

!!!"



So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"



And then the fight started.....



*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

seconds.'



I bought her a scale.



And then the fight started...



******************************************



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.



And then the fight started...



******************************************



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.



She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.'



And then the fight started...



******************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.



My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'



'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'



And then the fight started...



******************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started...



******************************************



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'



The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'



And then the fight started.....

[Dirty Dan]

I was at the tills in Asda the other day, with a full trolley, a little old lady was behind me, she only had a pint of milk, i said is that all you got love? she said yes, so i said if i were you i'd fuck off then, im gonna be ages!

[markh]

obama is the first black president
lewis hamilton is the first black Formula one champion
will smith is the worlds highest paid actor
How times change....it's good to be black
Poor old michael jackson must be fecking kicking himself

[wbeedie]

viagra
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan, the pharmacist, 'But a quarter tablet will not
give you a full erection. '
'I am 96' said the old man, 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out
far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

[wbeedie]

Q. Whats the difference between Boy George and a Scouse car thief?

A. The scouser wouldn't have been caught and jailed for forcing entry in to the back of an escort.

[wbeedie]

Things you learn from porn films:-

Women wear high heels to bed.

Men are never impotent.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he ****s her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

Women always orgasm when men do.

A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy ****s.

People in the 70's couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

Those tits are real.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect dongle and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

Asian men don't exist.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of scheidt out of you if you shove your a doodle doo in his girlfriend's mouth.

There's a plot.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

Nurses suck patients cocks.

Men always pull out.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing both of you.

Women never have headaches.

When a woman is sucking a man's a doodle doo, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'

Assholes are clean.

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a a doodle doo there.

Men don't have to beg.

When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Pigtails = handlebars

[michaelb]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast
"The Flintstones".A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that the people in Dubai would not understsnd the humor,,but we have heard that the people in Abu Dhabi Do".

[michaelb]

The new president of the U.S.will deliver his first speech from behind bullet proof glass,which I think is unfair!.Just because he's black doesn't mean mean he's gonna shoot someone!.

[3762dazzer]

The government really are sneaky bastards. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you have to drink more.

[3762dazzer]

Gordon Brown was looking for a call girl

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, £200.

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was £100.

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and fuck me the way you have the pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'

[wbeedie]

Hooker
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

[wbeedie]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me....

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now feck off!'

[3762dazzer]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's.

After his check-up, the doctor called the wife in alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, sort him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you've only got a week to live" she replied.