1st week of 2009 Gents, see if we can bring some cheer back to the first week
0
Joke of The Week, Week 13...........
Started by
Barry McCrindle
, Jan 05 2009 11:02 AM
-
This topic is locked
18 replies to this topic
#1
Barry McCrindle
-
- Administrators
-
- 54 posts
Skipper
- LocationAyrshire
Posted 05 January 2009 - 11:02 AM
I always see both sides of the argument, the one that's wrong and mine.....
#2
Barry McCrindle
-
- Administrators
-
- 54 posts
Skipper
- LocationAyrshire
Posted 05 January 2009 - 04:23 PM
Taliban terrorist hijacks a plane, running up the plane his mask comes off.
He turns to to a passenger and asks him, did you see my face, passenger replies yes, so the terrorist shoots him.
Turns to the next guy did you see my face, he replies, no! but the wife did.........
He turns to to a passenger and asks him, did you see my face, passenger replies yes, so the terrorist shoots him.
Turns to the next guy did you see my face, he replies, no! but the wife did.........
I always see both sides of the argument, the one that's wrong and mine.....
#3
vauds
-
- Members
-
- 0 posts
Deckie
Posted 05 January 2009 - 05:44 PM
Timmy is taking his girlfriend home for a bit of fun?
on arrival timmy finds his brother in the bottom bunk,not wanting to miss an oppurtunity they jump on top,
Timmy says to his girlfriend we have a code,if you want it faster say lettuce if you want to change posistion say tomato,
lettuce,tomato,lettuce, tomato,tomato, lettuce,lettuce,lettuce,
just then his brother says will you too stop making sandwiches the mayonaise is going all over my face.
on arrival timmy finds his brother in the bottom bunk,not wanting to miss an oppurtunity they jump on top,
Timmy says to his girlfriend we have a code,if you want it faster say lettuce if you want to change posistion say tomato,
lettuce,tomato,lettuce, tomato,tomato, lettuce,lettuce,lettuce,
just then his brother says will you too stop making sandwiches the mayonaise is going all over my face.
#4
wbeedie
-
- Moderators
-
- 12 posts
Mate
- LocationPortree Nut hoose
Posted 05 January 2009 - 08:03 PM
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this
sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell
me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in
the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me
up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about
5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours
making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the
man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I
meet this girl every day and we get a
compartment to ourselves and have sex all the
way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't",
said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary
really fancies me and I have to give her one in the
storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he
said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady
I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a
quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No,
hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to
work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll
give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is
so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"
sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell
me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in
the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me
up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about
5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours
making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the
man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I
meet this girl every day and we get a
compartment to ourselves and have sex all the
way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't",
said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary
really fancies me and I have to give her one in the
storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he
said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady
I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a
quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No,
hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to
work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll
give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is
so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.
#5
stevie
-
- Members
-
- 0 posts
Deckie
Posted 06 January 2009 - 07:18 PM
An Israeli doctor said 'medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person , put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks' German doctor says thats nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks; The English doctor says , Hah thats nothing we can take an arsehole from Scotland put him in 10 downing street and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours !!!
#6
Barry McCrindle
-
- Administrators
-
- 54 posts
Skipper
- LocationAyrshire
Posted 08 January 2009 - 11:06 PM
Click on it to enlarge the image
I always see both sides of the argument, the one that's wrong and mine.....
#7
markh
-
- Administrators
-
- 101 posts
Skipper
Posted 09 January 2009 - 02:59 PM
following on from barry... this is No 2 (aka Pansy's other owner and Charlie Thompson on here) and his home made head torch
#8
markh
-
- Administrators
-
- 101 posts
Skipper
Posted 09 January 2009 - 02:59 PM
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
__________________________________________________________________
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
__________________________________________________________________
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
__________________________________________________________________
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
__________________________________________________________________
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
__________________________________________________________________
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
__________________________________________________________________
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
__________________________________________________________________
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
Done wrong?
Made her chain too long
__________________________________________________________________
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
Never be able to support you.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
To the kitchen sink.
__________________________________________________________________
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
__________________________________________________________________
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Pressure.
__________________________________________________________________
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
Front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
__________________________________________________________________
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
__________________________________________________________________
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
__________________________________________________________________
Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
Still think they are sexy.
__________________________________________________________________
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy?"
He replied '"well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts; working cows; going to rodeos; fixing fences; pulling calves; bailing hay; doctoring calves; cleaning my barn; fixing flats; working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, So I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "Im a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women... as soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "are you a real cowboy?"
He replied " I always thought I was...but, I just found out that I'm a lesbian".
_________________________________________________________________
Trevor, the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the stock pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berkshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The Result - the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?
Marry It!
__________________________________________________________________
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
__________________________________________________________________
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
__________________________________________________________________
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
__________________________________________________________________
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
__________________________________________________________________
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
__________________________________________________________________
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
__________________________________________________________________
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
Done wrong?
Made her chain too long
__________________________________________________________________
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
__________________________________________________________________
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
Never be able to support you.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
To the kitchen sink.
__________________________________________________________________
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
__________________________________________________________________
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Pressure.
__________________________________________________________________
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
Front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
__________________________________________________________________
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
__________________________________________________________________
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
__________________________________________________________________
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
__________________________________________________________________
Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
Still think they are sexy.
__________________________________________________________________
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "are you a real cowboy?"
He replied '"well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts; working cows; going to rodeos; fixing fences; pulling calves; bailing hay; doctoring calves; cleaning my barn; fixing flats; working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, So I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "Im a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women... as soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "are you a real cowboy?"
He replied " I always thought I was...but, I just found out that I'm a lesbian".
_________________________________________________________________
Trevor, the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the stock pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berkshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The Result - the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?
#9
wbeedie
-
- Moderators
-
- 12 posts
Mate
- LocationPortree Nut hoose
Posted 10 January 2009 - 05:09 PM
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take
us to your leader!!
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his Ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited
him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch...
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness. He
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedlyat the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take
us to your leader!!
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his Ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited
him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch...
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness. He
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedlyat the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.
#10
wbeedie
-
- Moderators
-
- 12 posts
Mate
- LocationPortree Nut hoose
Posted 10 January 2009 - 05:09 PM
The mother of a
17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.
#11
wbeedie
-
- Moderators
-
- 12 posts
Mate
- LocationPortree Nut hoose
Posted 10 January 2009 - 05:13 PM
A World War II Royal Air Force pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
"In 1942," he says,
"the situation was really tough.
The Germans had a very strong air force.
I remember, he continues,
"one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them.
I aimed at him and shot him down.
They were swarming.
I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says,
"I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true,"
says the pilot,
"but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."
"In 1942," he says,
"the situation was really tough.
The Germans had a very strong air force.
I remember, he continues,
"one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them.
I aimed at him and shot him down.
They were swarming.
I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says,
"I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true,"
says the pilot,
"but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.
#12
Jammy
-
- Administrators
-
- 128 posts
happy new year to all
- LocationDUNURE
Posted 10 January 2009 - 09:20 PM
ulrika johnsson was rushed out of the ig brother house last night after sitting on her mobile phone....
wasn't that big a problem tho ot the first time she would have an erricsson up her ....
wasn't that big a problem tho ot the first time she would have an erricsson up her ....
#13
Gordon M
-
- Members
-
- 0 posts
Deckie
Posted 10 January 2009 - 09:24 PM
what do you call a pakistani stripper?
YASEEN MAFUD
YASEEN MAFUD
With regards
"Gordon M"
"Gordon M"
#14
Gordon M
-
- Members
-
- 0 posts
Deckie
Posted 10 January 2009 - 09:27 PM
GIRL TAKES HER DRESS TO THE DRY CLEANERS & ASKSTO HAVE IT CLEANED.........THE GUY IS A LITTLE DEAF & SAYS"COME AGAIN" THE GIRL BLUSHES AND SAYS " NO ITS YOGURT THIS TIME"
With regards
"Gordon M"
"Gordon M"
#15
Gordon M
-
- Members
-
- 0 posts
Deckie
Posted 10 January 2009 - 10:57 PM
man goes to m&s to buy his wife a maternity bra........ assistant asks him "what bust" he replied the feckin condom stupid
With regards
"Gordon M"
"Gordon M"
#16
Adoration II
-
- Members
-
- 15 posts
mooooooo
- Locationtoon
Posted 11 January 2009 - 11:13 AM
8 things, Girls should say to Guys -
1) I'm bored,let's shave my thing 2) R u sure u've had enough to drink? 3) That fart was great, do another? 4) Of course I swallow, I love it! 5) No that's OK, u drink beer+watch porn. I'll do the washing up. 6) Just for a change, put it in my bum 7) How about u get that girl from work to join us?
Marriage?NO WAY!! Sadly, Carlsberg don't do girlfriends. But Thailand does!!
1) I'm bored,let's shave my thing 2) R u sure u've had enough to drink? 3) That fart was great, do another? 4) Of course I swallow, I love it! 5) No that's OK, u drink beer+watch porn. I'll do the washing up. 6) Just for a change, put it in my bum 7) How about u get that girl from work to join us?
Marriage?NO WAY!! Sadly, Carlsberg don't do girlfriends. But Thailand does!!
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
#17
Adoration II
-
- Members
-
- 15 posts
mooooooo
- Locationtoon
Posted 11 January 2009 - 11:18 AM
Got a new car stereo, voice activated. I shout 'country' it plays Dolly parton, i shout 'rock' it plays guns & roses. Was in town the other day and some little shit ran out in front of me, i shouted 'fuckin kids' and it played gary glitter.
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
#18
Adoration II
-
- Members
-
- 15 posts
mooooooo
- Locationtoon
Posted 11 January 2009 - 11:18 AM
Bloke says to wife "ur arse is the size of a 3 burner BBQ", later in bed he says "fancy a shag?" wife says "no point lighting a BBQ for half a fuckin sausage!
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
#19
Adoration II
-
- Members
-
- 15 posts
mooooooo
- Locationtoon
Posted 11 January 2009 - 11:20 AM
Paddy was driving home pissed as a newt. Suddenly he had to swerve 2 avoid a tree, then another and another. A cop car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cop all about the trees in the road. The cop says, " for fuck sake paddy thats ur air freshner" !
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
Sure its a grand oul team ti play for
