12 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Think I will let rats nrop eht kick it off with a guid yin

[wbeedie]

One day, little Timmy is walking home from school on Friday afternoon when he sees a poster which says "Circus in town on Saturday - £2 admission". Timmy rushes home, opens his piggy bank and finds that he has exactly £2. He sleeps with the coins held tight in his hand all night, and wakes up the next morning, ready to go to the circus.

He gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his £2 and gets in.

First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair.
Then, finally, he gets to the big top. Two clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy's hand shoots up in the air, and he screams "ME ME ME!!!". The clowns pick him out of the audience.

The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy". The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"

"Will I be the head?"

"No"

"Will I be the tail?"

"No"

"Will I be the fetlocks?"

"No.... you'll be the arse!"

The whole crowd erupts with laughter, and Timmy rushes out of the circus in tears. He decides then that he will get those clowns back for what they did.

During the year, Timmy gets a job to save up some money. Then he sets aside a hard earned 5p piece every week for the circus, and uses the rest of the money he earns to take night classes to teach him the art of witty come-backs. The next year rolls around, and Timmy once again sees the circus poster. He gets the £2 he had saved for the circus, and holds it tight in his hand all night, ready to go to the circus the next morning.

The morning finally arrives, and he gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his £2 and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair.

Then, finally, he gets to the big top. Two clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy knows that the clowns won't recognise him, since they've been travelling around the country all year, so he puts his hand up. Once again, the clowns pick him out of the audience.

The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy", this time with much less boyish enthusiasm, as if he's going through the motions. The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"

"Will I be the head?" says Timmy.

"No" reply the clowns.

"Will I be the tail?" asks Timmy.

"No" giggle the clowns.

"Will I be the fetlocks?" enquires Timmy.

"No.... you'll be the arse!" guffaw the clowns.

The whole crowd erupts with laughter.

At that point, Timmy stands square up to the clowns. He looks them in the eye, and with a steely determination, replies...




"FUC* OFF YOU RED-NOSED CUN7S"
__________________

[wbeedie]

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.


A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
..."HELLLLOOOO!!!
You need to roll up the windows."




Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!




A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[wbeedie]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Ohio State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Ohio State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.......

[wbeedie]

0 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Than Women
#10 - You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22...

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road...

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times...

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo...

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...

#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month...

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these grips make me look fat?'...

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...

...AND...the

#1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...............

YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!

[quiet waters]

did you have to tell that clown joke, now knoxy, ricki and jodron will be looking for their money back off me and theres still 16 weeks of the course still to run!!!!!

worse than that, orville, westword, john AND willie tar and fincutter are due to start the course after the new year!!!

no refunds, ye hear?

[Jammy]

this christmas , take time to tell your loved those three special words
















am awa oot!!

[wbeedie]

A woman brings 8yr old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8yr old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?!?!?!" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fecking appendix out!"

[JJ-Fulton]

Why Did Santa Have 3 Gardens?




So he could HO HO HO

[3762dazzer]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."  :

[wbeedie]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[wbeedie]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

[CN163]

I don't like Christmas!

Ever since I was a child my Uncle Martin would come round our house and do his ventriliquist act.

He would stick three fingers up my arse and tell me to say nothing.