39 replies to this topic

[Fishermen-Jordan]

Carry on Laughing 

[Barry McCrindle]

A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed, replies "I think you will find that's a sheep, you idiot!."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[3762dazzer]

Duplicate Baz from about week three, made me laugh too 

[quiet waters]

easy seen its you and me dazzer with the memories, spot the repeat posts instantly, either that or we are the only sad b uggers that have read them all for the last eight weeks!!!!
my money is on thursday for a repeat of the musical octupus!!!!!

[3762dazzer]

Easily spotted QW one of my favourites that one!!!!

I suppose we should expect the odd repeat, getting near Christmas after all  :-\

[young ronnie]

Give us the duck again...I still laugh when I think of that one !!

[quiet waters]

think i could go the duck again too!!!!!

do you have any nails?

[3762dazzer]

Sorry QW no bread either

[Barry McCrindle]

Should just be about time for Jordan's post of the week, always an uplifting response to it........went from porn to xmas, only the little green men will know what is coming next.....

[quiet waters]

who? the bogie men? well he is at the age where they still eat it as they sit absentmindedly in class daydreaming about the fact the lads mags are still at his eye level and he shares a name with the two other biggest t!ts in the UK.

[Sweltered]

Quote

Sorry QW no bread either

http://www.campbelto...ebcam/index.htm

At least at a wummins rural meeting, there's a chance of a wee scone....

I'm not banned, just don't post, but then again, no one else does either.....

[quiet waters]

bill told me in his monthly bulliten his knee op put back by 9 weeks so he's naw in good trim, says theres a new £1,000 webcam that disna work, i soent ten meenits bletherin to a wee boy this mornin, till his granny appeared and i twigged it was the P's son, told the wee fla to tell his dad he had been speaking to me, that'll spoil his tea, naw a joke but it made me laugh!!!!!!

how were you naw banned when i got banned? they asked me to write a blog, i said no thank you so they banned me!!!!! and ye think theres folk on here thats aff their heid?

[Fishermen-Jordan]

whats happen to joke of the week then? no comment for last 2 days?

[Jammy]

everybody is scared of the chief swear word moderator jordan


or maybe busy!!!!!

[quiet waters]

for someone that wants to be a fisherman he's a bit sensitive, if he's that easily offended then its a job ashore in a shop he should be thinking aboot, he wid be off home in the huff he he was aboard any boat i was ever on, wan hail of "hurry up and throw that feckin rope off" and it wid be back to mammy for a dummy tit.

look on the bright side, he disna send us hunners of PM's on this site!!!!

[johntar tt10]

How is the weather?................

Freezing here really hard this morning, felt sorry for the wee birds out in the garden..................

The frost is so thick on the ground and our native birds are finding food very scarce................

Please go to the pet shop and buy a mesh bag of nuts for our feathered friends............

There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nutbag..............

[johntar tt10]

A mother taught her son toilet training, simple really,  to go to the toilet by numbers............

1) Open your fly................

2) Take out tackle...................

3) Pull back foreskin...................

4) Do the business................

5) Shake the drips.................

6) Pull foreskin forward..........

7) Put tackle away.............

Zip up fly..................

She often checked on him by listening at the door............................

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and was really happy with his progress............................

Then one day passing the toilet she heard..............

3  6  3  6  3  6  3  6  3  6 3 6 3 6 3 6 3 6 agh ya beauty............................

[quiet waters]

had me all the way to the last line of that first one, i was even thinking up a reply while i was reading it!!! i'll never drap my guard and be serious again, its the time of day, big choice to make, Dr. Mark Sloan or a doss, i've caught up on here so its a wee doss.

[young ronnie]

When I saw that post of John Tar's about feeding the birds,it reminded me of this one My wife always has bird feeders in the back garden and buys the ready made up balls of mixed bird seed/fat for hanging on the washing line.Tesco had run out of them recently and she was heading for the wee pet shop to see if she could get any there.I said to her I can just hear the answer you're going to get from the man in the shop when you ask him  "excuse me,do you have fat balls ?"....."No madam,but I've got a skinny d ick !!"

[johntar tt10]

Doctor goes fly fishing one afternoon as they do...............

Not wanting to close the surgery, he leaves his asistant Pat Murphy in charge........

Doctor comes back after relaxing afternoon fishing..........

"How did you get on Murphy" he asks................

"I had 3 patients come in Doc" answers Murphy.........

"Anything serious Murphy" asks Doc...........

"Not really 1st one had a headache so I gave him paracetemol" says Murphy.........

"Well done, and the 2nd one what did you do" asks Doc..............

"Well 2nd had indigestion so I gave Gaviscon" says Murphy.........

"Good man, astoundingly good, and the 3rd patient" asks Doc.......

"Bit difficult" says Murhpy "Beautiful blonde with micro mini......

"legs that went on forever, gets on couch and slowly starts to strip off...........

"Naked on the couch she opens her legs, touches her flower.........

Says to me " I haven't seen a man in ages"..............



"Holy mother of god what did you do Murphy"....................




"Put two drops in each eye Doc"...................................

[3762dazzer]

Man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The barman walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the barman says, "OK, that will be £3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact dosh and pays him. About an hour later the barman goes back over to them and says, "What'll you boys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The barman gets them their beer and says "That'll be £3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact money and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the barman walks over and asks "What do you boys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a gin", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the barman says "OK, that will be £7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact dosh and pays him.

The barmans' curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact cash in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact money in my pocket for anything I buy."

The barman says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million pounds. A million will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I fcuked up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." :

[michaelb]

3 Irishmen in a bar,paddy says"my locals better than this,you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd ones free"Mick says...."well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the second free"Murphy says...."thats nothing in my local you buy the 1st drink and you get the 2nd, 3rd and 4th free then you go out the back and get laid"."WOW" said the other two "has that actually happened to you?"..."no" says Murphy"but it did happen to my sister".
 

[wbeedie]

The Sh!t List
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you’ve, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit
You know you’ve shit. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You’re all done wiping your arse and you’re about to stand up when you realize it.....you’ve got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.


Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You’ll know it’s alright to eat again when your arsehole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn’t smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there’s somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it’s normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your arse as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your arse so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It’s the shit that keeps running out of your arse like pee, and just when you start wiping your arse your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

[wbeedie]

Two Sperm are swimming together. one says to the other: "is it far to the ovaries?" the other replys "fukin miles mate. we've only just passed the tonsils!"
__________________

[wbeedie]

men talking in the pub. one says "if i shagged your wife and she had a kid would that make us related?" "No" says the other " but it will make us even"

[wbeedie]

Things You Can Only Say At Christmas
1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in.

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

[young ronnie]

Mr.Beedie,there are times when I despair of you,I really do....but yer jokes are helluva funny lol

[Young Knoxy]

aye they are very funny but i don't think the school teachers would appreciate them much

[wbeedie]

They cant be too bad Nadroj hasnt complained yet