151 replies to this topic

[young ronnie]

As Winston Churchill described the Navy....rum buggery and the lash (or rum bum and baccy to others)

[DOGSBODY]

ROLL ON EASTER, CHOCKY EGGS AND LITTLE FURRY THINGS TO PLAY WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF JORDAN CAN STRAIGHTEN UP AFTER HIS TRIP. lol :

[restlesswave]

an i thought all these boats had hoppers to take the catch to  save the crew all the scoopin, i can see now-it`s for crew safety-it`s so that the skipper doesn`t catch them unawares-bending down!

[young ronnie]

Personally I blame these 10 day trips......far safer for the young boys when the men got ashore every night !!

[restlesswave]

aye it was more innocent times back in the day when the young lads used be down on their hands an knees picking prawns of the deck-you`d need a stun gun to chance it now lol!

[young ronnie]

I certainly wouldnae go down into the bowels of the ship looking for the "golden rivet" nowadays !!

[restlesswave]

jeez ron-don`t even mention bowels

[young ronnie]

Standing joke here Frank...A cup of tea and a slice of toast in the morning and I'm offski to "the best seat in the house".. .a Rolex watch couldnae time things better,but as for "she who must be obeyed".....jeeeezo,a hundredweight of T.N.T. and enough laxative to blow the arse off an elephant required lol....sometimes I very nearly feel sorry for her !!

[quiet waters]

tell her theres stuff you can get in a bottle, i accidently took a slug instead of the prescribed teaspoon on saturday and lost two stone within the hour!!!!
as for the entered in a contest line? that had me laughing enough to get me thru xmas, so i'm taking a leaf oots jordon's book and warping some presents, i'm telling tickleme elmo that god doesn't exist, barbie that with claes like that she'll make a fortune on the game and the mamma mia DVD? well i'm sticking a ring on the cooker and sitting it on top. five minutes should just about do it?
and to top it off when my two get up on xmas morning and find nothing but a bill fortheir keep for the last 16 and 13 years respectively with the warning that i expect them to repay every penny between now and the day i die? oh and that santa is dead as i caught him trying to park his fecking sleigh in my space outside the hoose and stove his pan in wae the butt of a pool cue i keep in the front cupboard since a bunch of lads thought it would be a good idea to try and break into my shed, i caught the slowest one who said he'd get his dad to me, two years later and i'm still waiting, i even told him my name and phone number so he would know which door to come to!!!
that and the wife is in the huff after i told her i gave away my monkfish recipe, i only ever cook it for her, seems i broke some unwritten law or something???
and anyway jordon its naw xmas till i hear roy wood and wizzard singing "i wish it could be christmas every day" hasn't stopped me dropping a hint that a nice gift would be a selection of penny whistles in A D and G, maybe a F thrown in, from the collective groan i think i might have spoiled a surprise, either that or they've all bought me some?

[Adoration II]

feck sake lot happened last nite hope use r using protection and right lube

[young ronnie]

Ye ken what the man that tore his grass rope net wis tellt Ricki....far safer wi' rubbers on.As for lubrication?..yon stuff that's made in Pittenweem usually does the trick....KY jelly !!

[Adoration II]

i 2 true yr 2be sure there would be sting ring without it lol

[quiet waters]

enough please, theres a poor man on telly ee noo getting his prostate lasered, so just take a minute to contemplate what that would be like?????????

disna bare thinking aboot, hence the reason i'm naw goin to the doc wae my need to run off every ten minutes and naw getting enough to fill wan oh they wee sample bottles they gie ye, there'll be no camera going up my archiebald!!!!!!!!

[young ronnie]

Ach the artist formerly known as QW ye dinnae ken what ye're missing until ye get a stern tube inspection wi' yon wee camera.I had that done last year and it's crackin' braw lying on the table watching fae yer ring-piece up yer sheugh in glorious technicolour on a wee screen.As much sh ite as Eastenders but far mair interesting viewing !!!

[quiet waters]

na na na, i'd be like the patient that the doctor asked why he was whining, he replied "see that camera you've got up my erchie, well see that hand your using to guide it? its crushing my grapes. anyne never sat on a rail won't understand, had another slug oot that bottle aboot 5am, i'll be back in an oor!!!!

[Adoration II]

fae xmas 2 prostate tats braw lol

[Jammy]

aye well at least its keeping the same theme both are a lot o sh@@e

[homeward bound]

started off wi merry xmas to one and all, now im squirming in ma chair !!!!!! 

[young ronnie]

Dinnae come tae Oban then whatever ye dae,they've done mair camera jobs up at the local slaughterhoose than ye could shake a stick at. I think they must be on (ring)piece work the amount that they get through...every second person ye speak to up here has had that done to them !!

[Adoration II]

been there yr i got "camera" in ma mouth i repeat camera lol got stomach ulser wen i came 2 was still dizzy and i looked about me seen ma mum running 4 door saying ur a wild boy i didnt realise i had said 2 nurse can i have oral sex ha ha nurse found it funny my mother was shocked lol

[young ronnie]

If ye hadnae mentioned aboot the stomach ulcer I would have said that the nurse had made a genuine easily made mistake when she was wondering what end tae shove the tube in lol....had yon as well and it definately wisnae nice(I didnae fancy the jag so I had it without....Linda Lovelace eat yer heart out !!

[Adoration II]

lol its gie dry wen its over ur mouth feels like uve eaten a ton o sand lol

[young ronnie]

Just thinking of a story there with all this hospital talk Ricki...back in the early 70s when the first wee lifeboat came to Oban,I volunteered and went for a medical.(didnae get in for eyesight problems,but that's another story)After the old Doc sounded me and did the sight test he said to drop the troosies and the Ys.I'd heard the older lads on boats that were in the services talking about that but I just thought it was a leg-pull...wisnae a wind up,it was genuine.I'm standing in front of his desk wi ma kekks and drawers warming ma ankles,a face the colour o' a well skelped arse,trying tae look nonchalantly at the ceiling while the Doc's cupping the "family jewels" in his hand and saying "cough"...I was never sae glad tae get oot a place in ma puff !!....they do say it's to check for a hernia but I reckon it's just to give the medic a wee laugh to brighten up their day !!  

[Adoration II]

heard jammy calmac jack going in 4 cocksman job lol

[young ronnie]

We'll no bother with any of the old ones about the Oxford boat race crew and the size of their Cox !!

[quiet waters]

most undignified thing ye can have happen to you in a doctor's office, i get a recurring thing with the diabetise and the doctor got a look the first time, since then even to its a different doctor he gets told totake my word for it and just write me the feckin prescription, i told him i'd been seeing him with a shooder problem for six months and he never asks me to strip off so he can see that so we'll just take the same route wae the other thing, just gie me the peels and i'll be on my way, worse than that is phoning for a repeat prescription for it, theres a nosey women works there and tries to get the full details oot ye ower the phone, hadto tell her it wiz non oh her business and if she had a problem then she could take it up wae my doctor, i've been getting it for a year and i'm naw in the mood to discuss it wae a telephone answerer, i asked her if she thought she was having to pay for my peels for it, ye never answered quick enough so i told her in that case wid ye mind paying for the 13 other peels, plus my injection pen and all the needles i get as well? nippy cow that she is, the chemist siad it was daft me having to get different prescriptions every week for different things and they should give me them all in bulk, an eight week supply, aye right!!! gie me 1,700 dihydrocodiene and the wan time and i'd be deid in a fortnight, already take ten at a time instead of four, imagine the luxury of having enough to take twelve or fourteen, six would kill anyone else, i've got super kidneys according to the tests i get, they should have packed up years ago, i had ten at six this morning, along with 12 ibuprofen and 8 paracetamol, didna even take the edge off, its illegal to smoke dope for my cramps and muscle pains but ok to turn me into a junkie with the pills they give me?
as for the camera thing? i told the doc that if i suddenly lose two or three stone, i'll come back to him, but only efter i lose the weight. nevermind, by the time that heppens the do gooders will have made sure the NHS is refusing to treat me cos i smoke, i hope, cos i'm asking for the tax from twenty a day for the last thirty four years gets returned to me, i reckon its aboot thirty grand at least!!!! that'll pay for a roon the world cruise and leave enough for a one way plane ticket to switzerland!!!!
sorry for bringing up the prostate thing in the first place but the man on telly is ok after the op and for the first time in thirty years he disna have to piss into a bag, bet thats a relief???

[restlesswave]

had the camera -stern tube twice, stomach once-barium enema once-that was an experience-tube up the khyber pumped full of x-ray detectable liquid and compressed air! when bowel ruptured had the pipe down the nose into the stomach and one up the japs eye into the bladder-am retracting the jewels into the body sumo style even thinking about it.

[quiet waters]

nothing like that here steve, but then the health centre is about three hundred yards away on the other side of the school playing field so it takes five minutes to walk over, ten to walk back, or, get the wife to drive past and drop it off for me on her way to work, save me moving. the local chemist has a scheme where they keep your line and you phone them with what you need, then they take it up to get signed, bit of a palavar, takes as long to make the call as it takes to walk over, xmas, xmas xmas
moot point seeing as the counts have been over 20, as high as HI, which is off my machine's scale of 30, for weeks now, so i reckon i'll be taking less pills and more injections soon. how did they control you, i've a friend who insists they should stick me in hospital till they control things, been over a year and still not under control, besides i could do with ditching the pills that put weight on me, my 36" waist jeans are falling off me and i intend to do likewise with the 34"

xmas connection? i don't want to be playing santa next year!!!  oh we are getting snow, and the ghost train is coming (toonies will get the joke)