22 replies to this topic

[Jammy]

how many laughs are we going to get this week gents???

[young ronnie]

I'll post my current statement fae the TSB,you'll definately p iss yersel' laughing when ye see the interest that them wa*kers give me !!!

[Hooked]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, '"No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"


All Seniors Aren't Senile 

[wbeedie]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooo, can you see Florida?"

CAR TROUBLE



A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor "
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK



A blonde out for a walk,comes to a river, and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot - you'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, so she rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!



A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Well, duhhhhh .......," answered the blonde, "Their watch dogs!"

[wbeedie]

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN.....

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made
her a nice big
bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local
theme park.

What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down.

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her
loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate
milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars
epic a
hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her
favourite lolly
and M& M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a
big smile and
lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.
"I meant my dress size, you fu**ing tw*t"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is
Listening, he's still
going to get it wrong.

[wbeedie]

A dentist

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

A lady walks into a BMW dealership

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

[wbeedie]

1. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


2. How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.


3. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


4. There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.


5. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


6.Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[wbeedie]

An eldery man walks into his doctors office and starts talking about his wife. 

"Doc, I just can't seem to get it up anymore and the wife wants me to start trying oral sex.  I've been with that woman for more than 50 years and I haven't once gone there and I don't plan on doing it anytime soon."

"Well," the doctor replies "you could always try using Viagra"

"No way in hell am I going to start using that.  Its hard enough talking to you about it, there's no way that I'm going to talk to a pharmacist when I have to go and buy the stuff".

So the old man leaves the doctor's office and gets home and his wife asks him "So what did you find out?",  the old man simply walks away pondering his future and finally agrees to give his wife oral sex.

So the next night he gets down and starts to give her oral sex and he notices an odd smell. 

"Geez, what's that smell?" said the old man.

"Oh, that's my arthritis" exclaims the wife.

"You've got arthritis in your pussy?!?"

"No, in my arm, I haven't been able to wipe my ass for 2 months now."

[wbeedie]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?!"


A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."


DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

       40-ish - 49
       Adventurous - Slept with everyone
       Athletic - No tits
       Average looking - Ugly
       Beautiful - Pathological liar
       Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
       Emotionally secure - On medication
       Feminist - Fat
       Free spirit - Junkie
       Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
       Fun - Annoying
       New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
       Open-minded - Desperate
       Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
       Passionate - Sloppy drunk
       Professional - Bitch
       Voluptuous - Very Fat
       Large frame - Hugely Fat
       Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

       1. Yes = No
       2. No = Yes
       3. Maybe = No
       4. We need = I want
       5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
       6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
       7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
       8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
       9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
     10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

       1. I am hungry = I am hungry
       2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
       3. I am tired = I am tired
       4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
       5. I love you = let's have sex now
       6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
       7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
       8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
       9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
       10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
       11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.


For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[wbeedie]

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......

Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[wbeedie]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."  So he tied her up and went golfing.

       **************************************************
       A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
       The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
       ****** ********************************************
       Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
       ********************* *****************************
       A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'  "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
       **************************************************

       Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

       **************************************************
       A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
       Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen  "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
       You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
       THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
       we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
       Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
       to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
       USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husban d calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
       **************************************************

       Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
       **************************************************

[wbeedie]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)



Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......


Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:











"Defrost the chicken."





A man is having a costume party where the theme is emotions. He hears the doorbell ring ,opens it and there is a girl dressed all in pink with a feather boa, the guy asks what have you come as and she says ïm tickled pink, nice one says the host com on in and have a drink. 5 minutes later he hears the doorbell again and ther is a guy dressed all in green. What have you come as the host asks. Im green with envy hes says, nice one come in and have a drink. 5 mins later the doorbell rings again the man opens it and there are two big jamaicans standing there naked one with dick in a bowl of yellow stuff and the other one with his dick jammed inside a pear. Shocked the host says you cant stand there like that what the hell have you come as. One of them answers Well mon Im fu*king dis custard and hes come in dis pear.

--------------------------------------------------------------

A man is fishing on lake with his preist when he hooks and lands a big fish, he gets a little excited and says would you look at the size of that fu*ker. Instantly realizing his mistake he covers his tracks and says to the preist "oh sorry father its not what you think the fish is actually called a fu*ker, and you can have it if you want". Oh ok then the preist says and takes it back to the church where he passes the bishop. The bishop says ""thats a really nice fish you have there father", "yes your eminence its a really big fu*ker" "Father thats not very appropriate language""Oh no your eminence thats actually the name of the fish" "Oh well then in that case the pope is coming for dinner tonite we can serve him the fish Ill help you clean it" So the preist and the bishop are cleaning the fish in the church kitchen when one of the nuns walks past "wow thats a mighty fine fish you have there Bishop" "Yes Sister its a real big fu*ker "Ÿour eminence that language is filthy and not quite appropriate" "Oh no sister the fish is called a fu*ker" "Oh well in that case your eminence ill cook it tonite for the popes dinner". So the pope arrives for dinner and is sitting down when the preist the bishop and the nun wheel the fish out for dinner. "Wow would you look at the size of that fish. The priest says yeah I caught the fu*ker, the bishop says yeah and I cleaned the fu*ker and the nun says yeah and I cooked the fu*ker. The pope stops what hes doing", puts his feet on the table drinks the rest of the bottle of wine in one go, starts rolling a joint and saÿs "you know what, you pricks are all right"

--------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his wife to the Doctors, he asks him whats wrong with her,
the Doctor looks at him and says, 'well it's either AIDS or alzheimer's.'
The man says 'how the fu*k do I find out which it is.'
'Well,' says the doc, 'take her out into the middle of a forest and leave her there, If she makes it home don't fu*k her.'

--------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the little boy fall off the swing?
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
Because he had no arms!

---------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks up to the bar....

  DUCK:  "Hey, you got any duck food?"
BARMAN:  "Sorry, man.  We don't sell duck food here."
  DUCK:  "So.... you got any duck food?"
BARMAN:  "Umm... like I said, we don't sell duck food."
  DUCK:  "Oh, right.  Sorry, didn't hear you!  Got any duck food?"
BARMAN:  "For God's sake, ask me for duck food again and I'll nail your
fucking beak to the bar."
  DUCK:  "Got any nails?"
BARMAN:  "No."
  DUCK:  "Got any duck food?"

----------------------------------------------------------

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. The judge says, "So, Mr. Mouse. You're saying the reason you want to divorce your wife is that she is committing adultery?" Mickey says, "No, your honor. I said she was fu*king goofy!"

----------------------------------------------------------

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

-----------------------------------------------------------

Lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says, 'hey, nice pig'. Lady says, 'I'll have you know, this is a duck'. Bartender says, 'I was talking to the duck'.

---------------------------------------------------------

What do you do if a herd of Elephant's are coming over the hill?
-
-
-
Swim.

[wbeedie]

A few illegal substance gaff's ....,,,,,,sorry in advance......


I'm not addicted to cocaine.

I just like the way it smells.
_____________________________________

According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'.
I have always avoided illegal narcotics but, now I've found out that they actually reverse the ageing process, I'm going to give them a bash.
____________________________________

When I was at school, a policeman came in and did a talk on drugs.

Couldn't understand a fooking word he said!
_________________________________________
I bought a PC at the weekend. Now he turns a blind eye while I'm dealing.
____________________________________________
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean, if Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
_____________________________________________
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum'
____________________________________________
I saw a sign in a public toilet yesterday. It said "Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would like to have found it in". So I left a porno mag and a line of coke.
___________________________________
And finally It's not just your celebrities who can go through a drink and drugs hell ,,,, I just dropped my rizla's in my pint.

[wbeedie]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.


A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I`d started and hadn`t finished and, before leaving the house this morning,


I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr ho gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr peas


-----------------------

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,

leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.




But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'



'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest,

meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there

on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'



To which the parrot replied,



'Get him Spike!'
Reply With Quote

------------------------------

school reports
These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a ”full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter`s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn`t coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he`d have to be watered twice a week.

11. It`s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

-----------------------------------

Simple home remedies
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies


1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat - Use The Sink.

4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Too Afraid To Cough.

7. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

----------------------------------------

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage

Q: What is brown, black and blue was found lying in a ditch?
A: The last brunette that told a blonde joke in front of a blonde.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

-------------------------------------

train journey
Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London

At the station,
the three Mancs each buy a ticket
and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the Mancs.

"Watch and learn,"
answers one of the Scousers.

They all board the train.

The Mancs take their respective seats
but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed,
the conductor arrives to collect the tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Mancs are mightily impressed by this,
so after the game,
they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return trip...

To their astonishment,
the Scousers don't buy a ticket at all !!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
asks one perplexed Mancunian.

"Watch and learn..."
says one Scouser.

When they board the train the three mancs cram into a toilet
and soon after the three scousers pile into another nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterwards,
one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says,

"Ticket please..."

----------------------------------

Old is When................
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

---------------------------

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.




10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'



18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20 And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns on his blog, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make people laugh.
No pun in ten did.

----------------------------

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

--------------------------------

[wbeedie]

Yard Work


One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I calmly replied, "I am - that's why she cuts the grass!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles and Camillas Wedding Night

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and
tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my
shoes. My feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but
it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla.
"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so
bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told
you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God,
- darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man,
always a Navy man!"
----------------------------------------
A man enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my penis!
Just send the bottle back!"
---------------------------------------------------
FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,       
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.       
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"       
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

  ---------------------------
       MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
-------------------------------------------------
Wild Card

Little Johnny one weekend afternoon, upon coming home early from the park, hears loud yelling and squeaking coming from his parents room.
He opens the door to find his parent in the act of having wild sex.

"What are you doing?" Johnny says to his parents. 

His father speaks up and says, "Oh nothing Johnny, we are playing poker, your mother is my 'Wild Card.'

Johnny, content with this answer, goes about his business.

Later that day Johnny's father walks into Johnny's bedroom without knocking only to find little Johnny wildly beating his meat off.

"Johnny, for god sake," exclaims the father, "don't you know you're supposed to have a 'Wild Card' instead of doing that?"

Johnny replies, "Why would I need a wild card, when I have a great hand like this??
---------------------------------------------
McGregor

A  guy goes into a bar and starts tossin' back shots. The bartender asks him what is wrong. The man looks out the window and says "You see that fence over there? I built that fence. But do they call me "McGregor the Fence Builder"? Hell no. He takes another shot and says "You see those trees over there? I planted all those trees But do they call me "McGregor the Tree Planter" Of course not. He then hangs his head and says "But ya fuck one sheep."
------------------------------------
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.  They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted.  He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  6 feet.  He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  8 feet.  He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third.  When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles."

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did...

The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.  "Oh..My!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "Back in Vietnam!"
--------------------------------
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where
they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00
PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf
-------------------------------
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show.  Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.  She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day.  Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow.  I wish I knew what the answers are!  You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight.  I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. 

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. 

"Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK.
The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" 

The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. 

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.  Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.  Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.  The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?  You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good.  Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good!  Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!  My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
--------------------------------------
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.

He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."
------------------------------------------------------
A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

Then Ricki, next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most men, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was Young Knoxy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said... "Cleanup, Register 5.”

[wbeedie]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that.

When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"
----------------------
Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We
lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we
used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic'.

Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
giggled...................



So I told her to fuck off.
-----------------------------
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" the teacher asked.

After some thought, Jane proudly replied, "Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day," the teacher said. "Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" shouted Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"Ok Mike, what is your word," she asked

"Saturday," he replied.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny exclaimed, "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly said, "Ok Johnny - what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure responded, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob'," the young boy continued, "that's only two syllables!"
-------------------------------------
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words... "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'

..."And so, here we are!
-------------------------------
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.

The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

"You wanna wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"O.K.," she said, "I come back in ten minutes."
------------------------------
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't.
Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem.
Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?".
To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes.
He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-#ck Y-y-you!
-------------------------------
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.

She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says...

"I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
---------------------------------
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.

The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"
-------------------------------
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing? "

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled

The boy says, "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up".
------------------------------------------
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" the judge said.

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
                 __
                /    \
               |      |    O
                \__/

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (the small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" he asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded one hundred fifty six people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"That many people! How amazing! How did you manage to do that!" the judge asked.

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'this is your anus before prison,'" he said.
-----------------------------------
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
-------------------------------------
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I want to have sex with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I will screw you from behind and be on my way!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters!"
-------------------------------------
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No sh!t?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

[wbeedie]

A little girl ran crying to her mum asking for a glass of cider...

"What do you want a glass of cider for ?" asks mum

"I've cut my hand on a thorn" says the little girl

'So, why the cider ?" asks mum

"Well, I heard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider...!!!
---------------------------------
2 priests go for a shower one night and are naked before they realise theres no soap so father john goes to his room to get some .

he grabs two bars and heads back to the shower but half way down the hall he sees three nuns coming his way so he pretends to be a statue,
as the nuns pass the first one says isnt that a very life like piece and tugs on his manhood startled father john drops a bar of soap oh says the nun its a soap disspenser as the second one grabs at the poor father he drops the second bar

the third nun pulls and pulls then says sweet jesus hand lotion too ....

------------------------------------------------

Fuck me I've just seen two deaf lesbians walking down the street with thier hand down each others knickers

Do you think they were lip reading
----------------------------------------------------
Q why is viagra like an amusement park ?

A they both make you wait two hours for a three minute ride
------------------------------------------------
have you ever seen a fanny wrapped in plastic ?
no  then
look at your passport
----------------------------------------------
a convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and his wife.
he jumps on the wife and kisses her ear then runs into the bathroom.
the husbandwhispers to his wife "satisfy him or he'll kill us. I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong ,I love you "
the wife replies he didnt kiss me, he whispered in my ear hes gay and horny and looking for the vaseline I told him its in the bathroom lets see whos fucking strong now ...
-------------------------------------------------
A man said to his wife " I had a wet dream about you last night  " did you really she asked? " yes you were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing ...
-------------------------------------------------
a man acquires $100,000 from winning the lottery.
he is in friendly relationships with 3 women, that all know each other,
and the women wanted to date him before he won the cash.
he tells all 3 of them, that after 24 hours, he will listen to each of them
for an explanation why he should date them.  he chooses an interesting
question:
"i'm going to give half of my lottery winnings to only one of you.  this
is gonna happen no matter what.  how will you spend it, why should i choose you?"

after 24 hours pass by....
the first woman's reasoning is primarily self-centered.  she'd spend
everything she could on herself.
the second woman's reasoning was selfless- to spend everything
right back on the guy that gave the money to her.
the third woman's reasoning is more of the couple approach-  to
spend the money on things that could be used for both of them in a positive way.

after thinking very carefully for a few minutes, the man
decides to give the money to the woman with the biggest tits.
----------------------------------------------
A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
---------------------------------------------
Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.
-----------------------------------
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny
----------------------------------
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

----------------------------------
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
-----------------------------------------
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password......... something he will use to log on.


The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.


So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed.....

P...


E...


N...


I...


S...


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED .........
NOT LONG ENOUGH***
---------------------------------------
Girl  "mum do babies come out of the same place they put thier willies  into
Mum " yes honey thats right

Girl " so if I have a baby will it hurt my teeth ?

---------------------------------------------------------------
teacher asks boy whe he has his cat in school with him
the boy starts to cry and says daddy said he was gonna eat that pussy when the kids go to school

---------------------------------------------------------------

firemen had to rescue an irishman from a condom machine when asked how it happened he replied
" well it said enter £2 and push knob in

-----------------------------------------------------------

teacher asked the class for a 10 letter word little johnny jumped up and shouted masturbate
oh replied the teacher thats a mouthful
no replies johnny your thinking of blowjob and thats only 7 letters
-----------------------------------------------
a little girl see's her dad in the shower. she's curious and asks what his testicles are. "those are the apples of the tree of  life!" he tells her.impressed she tells her mother, who replies "did he say anything about the dead branch they are hanging on?"
--------------------------------------------------
7 dwarfs went to meet the pope."go on dopey, ask him," chanted the other six. "ok" said dopey "sir are there any nuns in the alaska"| "yes there are" said the pope. "go on ,dopey ,ask him" urged the other six,"ok"said dopey"sir ,are there nuns in alaska" "yes there are"said the pope. "go on dopey,ask him," dopey blushed"are there any midget nunsin alaska." "no, i don't think so"said the pope. all six stood up and shouted"DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN"

[wbeedie]

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."
----------------------------------------
A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from
between your t*ts" he says.
"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my
husband."

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe .The
barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the
cheeks of your a*se and lick it all off" he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance'"  says the barmaid. "Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your
pussy with Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it".
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs
upstairs to  fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his
head between my t*ts and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him.  Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt
down between my ar*e cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right, He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball
bat.
"Then he  said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Stella
and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his
armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints
of  Stella!
-------------------------------------------------
One day little Johnny goes into the kitchen and says to his mom, "Mom, grandma's got her shrimps hanging out again."

Knowing that the grandma is going a little senile in her old age, mom goes out into the living room and finds grandma sitting in her lazy-boy with her dress up and her panties around her ankles.

Not knowing how she is going to explain this to her son, the mom goes back into the kitchen and says to little Johnny, " Honey, those aren't shrimps. They are part of the vagina which is the female reproductive organ on a woman, just like the penis is for a man."

Little Johnny replies, "Well whatever you say mom but they sure taste like shrimps to me!"
------------------------------------------
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietitian."

Nina asks, "Why?"

Rosy answers, "'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen."

Nina replies, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."
----------------------------------------
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed
beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell
asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye tomy family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never!' replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him . . . . . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...







> 'Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed'.
-------------------------------------------
For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
£80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."

The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a
suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard
you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!
--------------------------------------
When John was released from prison after 12 years, he was given the customary 10 dollars and a bus ticket. After more than a decade of incarceration, all he could think about was beer, smokes and sex. He knew of a whore house not too far away, but it wouldn't be opened for a few hours, so he went for the beer and smokes first.

By the time he got to the whore house, he only had 3 dollars left. Nevertheless, he went inside thinking he might be able to beg them and they would have mercy since it had been so long. He went to the woman behind the counter and explained, "Ma'am... I was just released from prison this morning. It's been 12 years since I got laid and I need it bad. The problem is, I only have 3 dollars to my name."

The woman looked him over and said, "Well... We do have something for that price... But I don't know if you'll want it. She's not our greatest asset, if you know what I mean."

John didn't care. "As long as she has a pussy, I'll be happy!" he replied.

After he had given her the money and she gave him directions to the room he had just paid for, he went and knocked on the door. An old woman answered. She couldn't have been less than 75 years old, and John cringed... Then he though *12 years!* and, he had said, as long as she has a pussy he'd be happy... So he entered the room.

They both took their clothes off and got on the bed. She reached over and turned off the lights and they got started. After just a minute, John had to stop though.

"What's wrong?" The old prostitute asked

John said, "I'm sorry... I just can't. Your pussy is too dry and scratchy. It hurts..."

She replied, "Oh! That's no problem hun... Hang on just a minute."

She sat on the edge of the bed and was doing something with her pussy that John couldn't see. When she laid back down she said, "That should be better, try it again."

John mounted her again, slid back into her and was amazed. All the while he was fucking her he was thinking to himself that this was the best pussy he ever felt! After he finished, he was actually thinking about coming back to visit her again.

After they both caught their breath, John said, "Damn... That was fucking great! What did you do, spread some Vaseline on it?"

"No" the woman replied with a smile. "I just picked the scabs and let the puss run."
---------------------------------------
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
-------------------------------------
A man says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for a little kinky sex...how about I blow my load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No way! I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
-------------------------------------
A woman tells her plastic surgeon she wants her pussy lips reduced in size.
But insists on complete secrecy,awakening after the operation she finds 3 roses carefully laid on the bed.
Outraged she calls her doctor "i thought i told you not to tell anyone".the surgeon explains he carried out the operation as she wanted...
The 1st rose was from me as i was sad you had to go through this alone....
The 2nd was from the nurse who assisted with the op and had the same procedure a few years ago
The 3rd was from the man in trhe burns unit who wanted to thank you for his new ears
---------------------------
A man says to his wife "Tell me something that'll make me happy and mad at the same time" She said, Your dick is bigger than all of your friends
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did You ever wonder when your mom came in to kiss you good night if she had just given your dad a blowjob?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband tattooed "I Love You" on his dick, his wife said "there you go putting words in my mouth again"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beer $10.
Bag of weed $20
Condoms $2.75
Finding out she swallows and has no gag reflex..
Priceless! Fuck Mastercard, It pays to Discover!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man gets his dick sunburned. A buddy tells him to put it in milk, His blonde girlfriend walks in and says "Oh, So thats how you load it?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when your are to drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and notice that it was just your air freshner.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A female police officer arrested a man for drunk driving. she said "Anything you say can and will be held against you" The drunk man shouted TITTIES!
------------------------------------
he Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage after the second pub.
-------------------------------------
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'SUCK HERE.'


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear..


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE
    MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
---------------------------------------------

Marriage (Part I ) 
Typical macho man married
typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want, at what time I want, --and
I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't
be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing,
and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules.
Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me.
Just understand. . .
there will be sex here
at seven o'clock every night...
whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
-------------------------------
Marriage Part II

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last.'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
-----------------------------------------
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty, and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
----------------------------------------------
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
---------------------------------------
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'  He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
'It is 5:00 AM Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
------------------------
God may have created man before woman,
but there
is always a rough draft before
the masterpiece.
--------------------------------------
shiny new bike

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said 'did
Santa bring it to you?' 'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it. '   
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got
there sir, did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'       
-------------------------------------
Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER


Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[3762dazzer]

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fcuking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[JJ-Fulton]

What goes "tick tock tick toc WOOF?










A WATCH DOG

[wbeedie]

he business has gone belly up
A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says.
"What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs.

He's really let himself go.

The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it.

His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last,
"the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the guy says.
"I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile.

"Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

The guy says,
"I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry,"
says Santa.

"We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"

[3762dazzer]

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is  DEFINATELY , can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINATELY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necessarily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINATELY just shit my pants!!!"

[quiet waters]

for a cat you are one sick puppy!!!
that took me back to primary five and a classmate who was still in short trousers, well known local bus driver with no teeth, but i'm not giving his name away, had just such an accident in class, that joke just took me back 36 years in one line, for a second there i was ten again, sitting in my seat, one row left, two rows towards the front, the smell slowly filling the room, the culprit sitting with hand raised, face getting redder and redder, teacher ignoring him, Mrs. Glendinning her name, then too late, by now he was purple in the face with embarressment, poor b ugger!!!
think she disliked him, i remember her humiliating him because he pronounced advertisment as ad ver tise ment. horrible woman!!!