39 replies to this topic

[Barry McCrindle]

and we're off for another fun filled week...................

[sam]

Noooooooo, I'd just typed one n'all. :
Well here it is again, you'd best like it cos that's twice I've typed it now

A panda picks up a girl from a party and goes back to her house. They have a meal and then have sex for 2 hours. The panda gets up to go, but the woman stops him and says "That's 50 quid please, I'm a prostitute and if you look it up in the dictionary it will say 'charges for a good time'."
"Ah," says the panda, "I am a panda, and if you look it up in the dictionary it will say 'eats shoots and leaves'."

[3762dazzer]

And my first offering for wk 7

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says, " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B, you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...Washing, Ironing, F*cking, Etc."

[Dirty Dan]

Who Runs the Human Body/TP?


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and
circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste
away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum
should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an
asshole.

[wbeedie]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

[3762dazzer]

Stop press

Gazzer sectioned under the mental health act, he has been sent to an institution for retards

"We're glad to have him back" says Joe Kinear

[Jammy]

**fire sale**
fire sale some where  in the east end of glasgow today from 9 am onwards
60000 champions league tickets buy one get two dozen free
free sombrero for every ticket

sorry had to post that

[young ronnie]

As a follow on to Jammy's one...Gordon Strachan took the team into a restaurant for a meal after last nights match,and when he had ordered a large steak egg and chips for himself ,the waiter asked "what about the vegetables Sir?"....."Ach just gie them useless c**ts a pie each" says Wee Chesney.

[young ronnie]

What's the difference between Celtic and the Eiffel Tower?.....at least the Eiffel Tower is still in Europe...I'll stop now before I get lynched lol

[restlesswave]

must tell the brother them ones-he`ll really appreciate them but then after last night he`ll probably agree!

[ADMIN1]

Guys we're getting a bit near the mark with some of the jokes

[quiet waters]

i take it as read you don't mean the celtic jokes, or the post referring to celtic?

good job they got beat, least they can't blame man utd whe nthey don't qualify, even for the UEFA cup.

the season is over why don't you go dole? oh sorry,  forgot, most already are!!!

chancellor in his statement about the credit crunch and the government attempt to alleviate the situation, as well as the cut in lower end tax, increase for higher earners and the 2.5% cut in VAT Mr. darling has announced measures to help the less well off and unemployed, from monday there will be a 25% cut in the price of 9ct rolled gold jewellry, an extra 5% off if its a bracelet or necklace featuring a name. there will also be £50 off the cost of a celtic season ticket, paid for in the usual annual crisis loan payments made in june and july.

local job centres will be rolling out extra training schemes which will be available from 1st jan 2009, these can be found in your area via any search engine, just type in "sports socks, erz ra sports socks, two for a poun, two fo a poun"

[ADMIN1]

Celtic jokes are perfectly acceptable................

[young ronnie]

There are certain things that the PC brigade don't see the funny side of(even if we do)......'nuf said !!

[calumbo]

I don't mind any joke, racist, sexist or otherwise. I have a dark and thoroughly un-pc sense of humour. But if it's non-pc you have to make sure that it's funny - and when it's not funny then it just looks like racism. My favorite joke of all time is racist, and it's not the racism that makes it funny, it's the misdirection.

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he's black

I have seen some jokes on here (only one or two I must stress) that I would class as just plain racist, ie not in any way funny. And if you take the humour out of a racist joke then it's only racism left..

Edit - I am in no way trying to discourage anyone from posting jokes - carry on however unfunny or un-pc they are....

[3762dazzer]

Subject: Character test.
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...


Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Barry McCrindle]

Drug Running, Who me never...... 

[Barry McCrindle]

Paddy and the Taxman

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and
summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the
office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his
solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an
extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain
by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue
finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay.
You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that
I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way!
It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand
pound that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he
takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousandquid,
with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy
asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one
side of your desk and p1ss into that rubbish bin on the other side,and
never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but
he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his
trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the
stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all
over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he
has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans
and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning,
when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000
that he could come in here and p1ss all over your desk - and that
you'd be happy about it.'

[Barry McCrindle]

Jordan have you tried any of these........

. 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
Christmas lights were plugged in.

. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new
shirts 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.

. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.

. 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of
the soles of their feet.

. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to hospital in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

. 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control
Scalextric cars.

. In 2000, eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo.

RULE BRITANNIA!

[quiet waters]

i'll admit to being number 19 and unrecorded in the jumper list. in fact i do that at least once a month, usually with Tshirts, i am easily distracted by conversation at such times.

[quiet waters]

the daughter just told me this one while supposed to be doing science homework

three men in a pub and the first man says "i'm the strongest man in the world" the other two don't believe him, so he says "get a copy of the guiness book of records and i'll prove it" so they ask the barman and by luck he has that years edition he's just bought for his son's xmas, they look it up and sure enough he is indeed in the book as the worlds strongest man. "so what" says the second man " i'm the fastest man in the world" "aye right" say the other two, so not to be outdone he looks up the page and shows that he is indeed the worlds fastest man. the third man not  to be outdone says "you might be the strongest man in the world and you might be the fastest man in the world, but me!!! i am the ugliest man in the world" "ok " says the strong man handing him the book "prove it" the third man pores over the book then suddenly bursts into tears, sobbing his heart out, the two men sat looking at him, slightly embarressed at his plight, the man sobs give way to sniffs and a long resigned sigh, he looks up at his two compatriots, wipes the tears from his eyes, blows his nose into his hankerchief and says "WHO THE FECK IS RICKI JOHNSTON???"

[markh]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time..
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'

[Young Knoxy]

Management Test

This  is a test for Intelligent People. I have determined that you  qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and  will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll  down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.   But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the  question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a  refrigerator?   




The  correct answer is:   Open the  refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the  door.   This  question tested whether you tend to do simple things   In an  overly complicated way.     


2.  How do you put an elephant into a  refrigerator?










Did  you say, Open the refrigerator, Put  in the elephant, And  close the
Refrigerator?
Wrong  Answer. 

Correct  Answer:  Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe,   Put in  the elephant and close the door.   This  tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your  previous actions.   







3.   The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the  animals attend....except one. Which  animal does not attend?



Correct  Answer:  The Elephant. The  elephant is in the  refrigerator.    You just  put him in there.         

This  tested your memory.   


Okay,  even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,   You  still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

 
4.   There is a river you must cross but it is used by  crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.. How do you manage? 





















Correct  Answer:  You jump into the river and swim across.   Have you  not been listening? All the  crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
 


This  tested whether you learn quickly from your  mistakes. 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of  the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many  preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says  this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals  have the brains of a four-year-old.

[young ronnie]

The drugs squad boys caught Paddy and Mick on their tandem and promptly arrested the pair of them for being dope pedlars....sorry for that one Frankie lol

[restlesswave]

jock is at a party and things are going a bit wild and jock is out of his depth-they are passing round a needle full of heroin and at his turn jock sticks it in his arm and has a scoot of it. his mate paddy the irishman spies this and is more than a little concerned-jesus jock,says paddy-you could get aids or anything at that carry on. ach for feck sake paddy says jock-how could i get aids and me wearing a condom........... (sorry about that ron-ho ho ho!!!!!!)

[young ronnie]

One all.......nice one Frank !!

[quiet waters]

"mwwe twwwooo" says the english MEP in the corner, confused? write to anderson consulting to find out where the englishman is wearing his condom, or, ask a 4yr old!!!!!

[jocksock]

paddy and murphy go to london to donate sperm,what a disaster'paddy missed the tube and murphy came on the bus!

[quiet waters]

need some quality control on the jokes, even if it was funny the first time, reposting jokes is about as bad as going to sea without any spare hydraulic hose or fittings.

i blame ally mcleod