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Joke of the week year2 week 18


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#1 fincutter

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Posted 22 March 2010 - 06:04 PM

Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Pause---
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#2 fincutter

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Posted 22 March 2010 - 06:06 PM

The Veterinarian






       
                                 
   
   
 
The  Veterinarian 
     
One  Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly  offering, the Pastor  of a small  church found a  pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened  again the next week!

The  following Sunday, he watched as the offering was  collected and saw an elderly woman put the  distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This  went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome  by  curiosity, approached her.

     
"Ma'am, I  couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a  week in the collection  plate," he stated..

"Why  yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me  money and I give some of it to the  church."

     

The  pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is  a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How  much does he send you?"

The elderly woman  answered, "$10,000 a  week."

The  pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;  what does he do for a  living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's  an honorable profession, but I had no idea they  made that much money," the pastor said. "Where  does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las  Vegas, and one in Reno''

 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#3 fincutter

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Posted 23 March 2010 - 06:02 PM

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says, "Tits."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#4 fincutter

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Posted 23 March 2010 - 06:03 PM

An old Irish man marries a young Irish girl and they are deeply in love. however, no matter what Paddy does sexually, his young wife never achieves 0rgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion; Hire a strapping young man, and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both.

Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown 0rgasm." They go home and follow the therapist's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and Paddy waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, earth shattering, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, Paddy drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "Now THAT'S how you wave a fecking towel, son!!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#5 fincutter

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Posted 23 March 2010 - 06:05 PM

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about two feet from the cup!'


The Mother Superior said .......

'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'
 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#6 fincutter

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Posted 23 March 2010 - 06:09 PM

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one
>said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
>
>The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
>minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
>
>She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
>
>"Take what you want."
>
>The second accountant nodded approvingly,"Good choice; the clothes
>probably wouldn't have fitted."
>
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#7 fincutter

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Posted 23 March 2010 - 06:10 PM

Heart Surgeon's
> Funeral
> One of the city's top cardiac
> specialists died. At his funeral,his coffin was placed in
> front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
> roses.
>
>
>
> When the pastor finished the sermon,
> and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up,
> the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed
> again..
>
>
>
> It was a majestic tribute to the much
> loved cardiologist. .
>
> Suddenly, one of the
> mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his
> insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why
> are you laughing, Mister? "
>
>
>
> "I was just thinking about my own
> funeral," the man replied,
>
>
>
> "I'm a gynaecologist.
> .."
>
>
>
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#8 glenmorangie

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Posted 28 March 2010 - 09:45 PM

wee Glesga man on holiday
in amsterdam goes into a brothel
and asks for the fattest ugliest girl they have
with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat

The madam said are felling kinky tonight sir
No he replied, just homesick.

#9 Canna No More

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 03:48 PM

My dyslexic pal smeared his willy with boot polish at 2am on sunday there when he got back from the dancin.  He thought he was supposed tae turn his cock black  :)
Remember you can tune a piano but ye cannae tuna fish !!

#10 markh

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 08:17 PM

2 close friends die and arrive in heaven at the same time

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive...

#11 markh

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 09:16 PM

how to clean the toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5.. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,

The Dog

#12 markh

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Posted 01 April 2010 - 11:32 AM

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month

Wife know fecking everything  :)

#13 markh

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Posted 02 April 2010 - 06:48 PM

Geordie guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Geordie barmaid. As she takes his order of a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and, although she is attracted to him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders 'Broon' and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders 'Broon' but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Newcastle. ‘Byker’ he tells her ‘So am I, whereabouts?’ she enquires. ‘The Wall’ he replies.

‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what part?’ ‘Tyne View' he replies.

‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’ ‘Number 20’ he replies.

She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’ she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there’.

‘I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’.

#14 glenmorangie

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Posted 05 April 2010 - 06:39 PM

Hey sexy...shut that door behind you and take of your pants
Get on top of me and do what ever you need to satisfy your needs
I want to hear that all famous AHH  when your done
Love always

The toilet,

And they talked about mens dirty minds that was a woman(my sister) who sent me that one

#15 glenmorangie

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Posted 06 April 2010 - 09:42 PM

mother superior called a meeting in the convent
she said there was a case of gonorrhea in the convent
wee old nun at the back shouts out great i am fed up drinking Chardonnay

#16 Lady Gaga

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Posted 07 April 2010 - 10:14 PM

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ...'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I. Sure and what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'   The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'   The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964 .

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight.   Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Elaine walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.


Brian, the bartender, walks over to Elaine shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Elaine asks, ' Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again". 

#17 glenmorangie

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Posted 24 April 2010 - 10:05 AM

             My BUDGIE BROKE HIS LEG
             TODAY, SO I MADE HIM A SPLINT
             OUT OF TWO SWAN VESTA MATCHES
             HIS LITTLE FACE ALL LIT UP
             SO DID THE REST OF HIM
             COS I,d forgotten i,d lined his
              gage floor with sandpaper

#18 fincutter

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Posted 04 May 2010 - 06:14 PM

Once upon a time there were two brothers.  One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil

brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a

devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.



One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me

but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending

eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.."



"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and

wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.  "I will give you the power to gaze into

hell." So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.



Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem… The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't."



=
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#19 wbeedie

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Posted 07 May 2010 - 01:12 AM

bloke goes tpo the doctor havin problems with premature ejaculation.
He is told when ypu feel yourself cumin give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in air to prolong the sex.

2 days later the doc sees him again to see how he got on .. Not good we were in a 69 felt myself start to cum, fired the pistol and she craped in my face, bit the end of my cock and the postman came out the cupboard with his hands up :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#20 young ronnie

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Posted 12 June 2010 - 03:24 PM

One afternoon a wealthy Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men at the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."


The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"

Some learn by reading,some ask questions,others observe...but there's always one who has to pee on an electric fence for himself.


#21 wbeedie

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Posted 19 June 2010 - 03:26 PM

England football team
The England Squad went to an African orphanage this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of those with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible!" said Jamai Umboto, aged 6.
__________________
England Dressing Room
Fabio Capello walks into the England dressing room and finds a big steaming turd on the tiles in the showers. He angrily shouts "Who's shit on the floor?"

Emile Heskey replies "Me boss, but I'm good in the air!"
__________________
What is Red, White and Black, is full of shit and upside down?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.The England tour bus if the fans get hold of it.....
__________________
England Goalie excels @ training camp
R ob Green had an excellent training season today, saving over 1,000 shots without conceding a single goal.




































Fabi Capello stated that 'tomorrow he and Emile Heskey will return to normal training with the rest of the squad'
__________________
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#22 wbeedie

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Posted 19 June 2010 - 03:28 PM

Durex have brought out a World Cup 2010 Commemorative Condom. It's called the "Rob Green" - They are extra slippery and guarantee you'll catch f**k all..............
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#23 young ronnie

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Posted 24 June 2010 - 06:00 PM

An American tourist on holliday in Ireland went down to the harbour and on seeing Paddy with a boatload of divers asked him why a diver always fell over backwards when he went into the water.Paddy says "well now,if he fell over forwards he would still be in the fukkin' boat now wouldn't he"

Some learn by reading,some ask questions,others observe...but there's always one who has to pee on an electric fence for himself.


#24 glenmorangie

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Posted 25 June 2010 - 05:48 PM

Never Argue with a Woman One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakesidecottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,and begins to read her book.The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What areyou doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says thewoman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment..For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads.It's likely she can also think.



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