40 replies to this topic

[young ronnie]

That was probably the same Paddy who thought that cunnilingus was an Irish airline and an itchy f anny was a Japanese motor bike.

[3762dazzer]

The spark had been lost in this blokes marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came home late from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on her. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. The man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!?"

"Shhhh!" she said, "pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

[3762dazzer]

A newlywed couple returned to their flat after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" asks the husband.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[westword]

There's these two wifies chatting about their lovelife, one of them says to the other one, "our sex lifes just run dry, all my man will speak about is how it went withe boys down the pub, all i ever hear is the boys this and the boys that," the other wifie says "why no try an aphrodisiac to get him giong, i,ve heard a big pan of soup with oysters in it should do it," So that night after his soup, he says to his wife, "i'm away down the club to see the boys, be back at 12." At closing time, he bursts in the front door and tells her to get up the stair and get her clothes aff, as she runs up excitedly thinking it must have worked, he follows her into the bedroom he tells her " right, do a handstand facing that mirror and open your legs wide," he walks over and bends down with his face between her legs looking in the mirror, he says, "f*** me, the boys are right, i do suit a beard"

[3762dazzer]

A father and his son go into the chemists when they happen upon the condom shelf. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....'' 

[3762dazzer]

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight.

Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries,

"Make me feel like a woman one more time!"

Rising to the occasion, the man tears off his shirt and says "Here, iron this."

[sam]

An infant school teacher notices one her pupils squirming about holding his crotch. She went to him and asked what was wrong. He explained that he had been circumcised the previous day and that his penis was itching. The teacher told him to go and see the headteacher and ask him to phone his mum so she could tell him what to do. The boy did this and upon returning to class the teacher noticed that he now had his penis hanging out of his trousers. "I thought I told you to go to the headteacher and phone your mum," she said.
"I did," replied the boy "And she said if I could stick it out until lunch she'd come and pick me up."

[3762dazzer]

A bloke walks into a pub and orders 6 double vodkas, the barman says "bad day ?"

The bloke replies "yes, I just found out my brother's gay !"

"oh you'll get used to it" replies the barman. The following day the man re-enters and again orders 6 double vodkas.

"not another bad day ?" asks the barman.

"yes" replies the man, "I just found out my other brothers gay too."

"Have an extra one, on the house" offers the barman.

Two days later the man returned to the pub, looking more depressed than usual, he sits down and orders 6 double vodkas.

The barman asks "for feck sake, does no one in you family like women ?"

"yes" replies the man "my wife does!" 

[sam]

Three blokes are sleeping in a tent together for the night. In the morning, one of them says "I had a dream that someone was wanking me off."
"Funny that you should say that," says one of the other men "I dreamt that as well."
"Oh," says the man in the middle, shrugging his shoulders "I dreamt I was skiing."