40 replies to this topic

[Barry McCrindle]

and another week slips by..........

[Jammy]

why do men like to be on the bottom during sex
because (according to the female popu.)


they only like to f**k up

[sam]

Three blondes are stuck on an island. Suddenly, a voice says "I will grant you each one wish and no more than that."
The first blonde thinks hard and says "Make me clever so that I can escape." After a few seconds, she turns into a brunette, before jumping in the water and swimming away.
The second blonde then says "I want to escape as well, but I don't want to get wet. Make me cleverer than her." Promptly, this happens, and she is turned into a redhead, then she builds a boat and rows away. The third blonde, who has been quietly watching all of this says "I don't want to swim or make a boat, make me cleverer than both of them." After a short time, she is turned into a man, and then walks across the footbridge to the mainland.

[Hooked]

The following letter was apparently sent out by Tesco's head office 

Dear Mrs. Shaw,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Campbeltown is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. (YUK!)

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,




D Tait
General Manager

[wbeedie]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress
are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all night.

The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"

[wbeedie]

Curiosity


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all of the
patients were outside, shouting, '13.....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
Planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting, '14.....14....14'

[3762dazzer]

Meanwhile indoors

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!" :

[wbeedie]

feck
The use of the word feck

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the english language
Out of all of the English words that begin with letter F, feck is the
only word that is referred to as the
F-word. It's the one magical word, just by it's sound can
describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. feck, as with most words in the
English language, is derived from German, the word
fricken which means to strike. In English feck fall into many
grammatical categories.

As a transital verb for instance : "John fecked Shirley."
As an intransitive verb. "Shirley fecks."

It's meaning is not always sexual.

It can be an adjective such as "John's doing all the fecking work."
As part of an adverb : "Shirley talks too fecking much!"
As an adverb enchancing an adjective : "Shirley is fecking beautiful!"
As a noun : "I don't give a feck!"
As part of a word : "Abso-fecking-lutely" or "in-fecking-credible"
And, as almost every word in a sentence : "feck the fecking feckers!"

As you must realize there aren't too many words with the versatility
of feck. As in these examples describing situations such as:

Aggression - feck you!
Agreement - fecking-ay right!feck
Amazement - fecking shit!
Annoyance - Don't feck with me.
Apathy - Who really gives a feck, anyhow?
Benevolence - Don't do me any fecking favors.
Command - Go feck yourself!
Confusion - What the feck?
Denial - I didn't fecking do it.
Despair - fecked again.
Difficulty - I don't understand this fecking question.
Directions - feck off.
Disbelief - Unfeckingbelievable!
Dismay - Oh, feck it!
Displeasure - What the feck is going on here?
Encouragement - Keep on fecking.
Etiquette - Pass the fecking salt!
Fraud - I got fecked.
Greetings - How the feck are ya?
Hatred of chemistry - Thermofeckingdynamics.
Identification - Who the feck are you?
Ignorance - He's such a feck head.
Incompetence - He's a feck up.
Insight - You're out of your fecking mind!
Laziness - He's a feck off.
Lost - Where the feck are we?
Panic - Let's get the feck out of here.
Passive - feck me!
Perplexity - I fecking know all about it.
Philosophical - Who gives a feck?
Pleasure - I couldn't be any fecking happier!
Question - You ain't fecking me?
Rebellion - feck the world!
Resignation - Oh,feck it!
Retaliation - Up your fecking ass!
Suspicion - Who the feck are you?
Trouble - I guess I'm really f***ed now.
Ugliness - You're a dumb looking f***.
Wisdom - feck that shit!
Wonder - How the feck did you do that?

It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fecking asshole."
It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this fecking job?"
It can be maternal - "Motherfecker."
It can be political - "feck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the feck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fecking Indians come from?" - General Custer
"Where the feck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic
"Thats not a real fecking gun." - John Lennon
"Who's gonnafecking find out?" - Richard Nixon
"Heads are going tofecking roll." - Anne Boleyn
"Let the fecking woman drive." - Commander of the "Challenger"
"What fecking map?" - Mark Thatcher
"Any fecking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
"It does so fecking look like her!" - Picasso
"How the feck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want what on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"feck a duck." - Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fecking there!" - Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fecking rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered fecking showers my ass." - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fecking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy

I'm sure you can think of many more examples.
With all of these multipurpose applications
how can anyone be offended when you use the word?
So, use this unique flexible word more often in your
daily speech.
It will identify the quality of your character immediately.
Say it loudly and proudly :

feck YOU !!!

[3762dazzer]

woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

[3762dazzer]

Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience." 

[3762dazzer]

Gary Glitter and his partner are in the maturnity with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Gazzer asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." 

[wbeedie]

A man lying in bed after sex with his new thai wife

She keeps stroking his cock

He says do you like my cock

She says no i just miss mine

[wbeedie]

Mate's girlfriend was on about her boobs were too small and wanted a breast enlargement, but could'nt afford it...

he said 'wipe between your breast everyday with loo roll' ...

'will it make them grow bigger' ?? .. she say's ...

'worked for your arse'

[wbeedie]

I'm a celebrity...
My money is on Martina navratalova to win this years "I'm a celebrity get me out of here"

I mean come on, she been eating out of the bush for years.

[wbeedie]

Don't Argue With Your Wife....

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


"The funeral director," said his wife.

[wbeedie]

al quida have rumoured to be planting bomb in tins of alphabeti spagheti, if they go off, it could spell disaster

[wbeedie]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
__________________
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!'

_________________
It was a small town and the policeman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
_____________________________________________
Old couple
A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked
as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal
_________________________________
An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her
Money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller
'Why it change,?? Yesserday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get one hunat
Eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluct uations'.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, 'fluck you Inglish too'

[quiet waters]

how the hell did you get a hold of the letter tesco sent my wife?

[big wheels]

Strangely enough ive never even met u and I thought that as well.

[Hooked]

The General Manager (if you look again), copied me in   

[quiet waters]

if you are that intuitive then you are worth a watching, but then you would have known that already!!!!

[Adoration II]

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:




1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23 very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes




HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

[the jonnah]

HAVE A 11"  PIECE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Adoration II]

porn star

[Dirty Dan]

Wish i had 11 inches!!! Im fed up with this great big thing ive got

[Dirty Dan]

Pregnant Irish woman in a coma. When she wakes up  she asks where her bump is. Doctor said "you had twins a boy and a girl, your brother named them." "Oh my god"she says, "Hes thick, what did he call the girl?" 'DENISE' says the doctor, "Oh thats good i like that, what about the boy?" DENEPHEW.

[3762dazzer]

A husband and wife are in bed on a Sunday morning, the wife turns to the husband and say's "It's Sunday today, so Sunday being your day, what would like me to do for you today?" The husband thinks for a few minutes, clears his throat and says "Well, you've got three options,

(1) You can wash the Boat,

(2) You can give me a blow job,

(3) Or you can take it up the arse!

The wife , a bit stunned, thinks for a minute.  "well" she thinks to her self, "I'm not going to wash the frigging boat, and I'm definately not taking it up the arse, so I'll give him a blow Job." So the wife goes down to do her business, after about 30 seconds, licking her lips and tasting her mouth, the wife says "You know it tastes like shit down here!" The husband replys yawing, "yeah, the dog didn't fancy washing the boat either."

[3762dazzer]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night. Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a jar of lemon curd. Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts smearing it around his bum.

"Sherlock,what the hell are you doing?" Dr Watson gasps.

Sherlock smiles and replies.

"It's a lemon entry my dear Watson".

[3762dazzer]

This made me chuckle

A young girl and her mother were walking down a street when they passed a house with the curtains open and two people clearly having sex.  The young girl says to her mother

"What are they doing mummy?"

Her mother replies

"They're making cakes sweetheart"

That night the young girl goes downstairs to get a glass of water when she opens the living room door and sees her mum and dad having sex.  Remembering what her mother had previously said about this particular activity she quite happily went back to bed.

The next day she says to her mum

" I saw you and dad making cakes last night"

Shocked her mother replies

"dont be silly you must have been dreaming"

To which the young girl replies

"but ive just licked the icing of the sofa"

[wbeedie]

Have you ever spoken
and wished that you could immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

>

>

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said , 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening....

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a ful l dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clean clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?'

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY ....

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman20and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!