59 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
You made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
__________________

[wbeedie]

A store thats sells new husbands as opened in new york city,
where woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

you may visit this store ONLY ONCE! there are six floors and the vaule of the products increase as the shoppers ascends the flights.The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor,or may choose to go up to the next floor,but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

so,a woman goes to the husband store tofind a husband.Onthe first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1- These men have jobs

She is intrigued,but continues to the second floor,where the sign reads:

FLOOR 2-These men have jobs and love kids.

"That's nice",she thinks,"but i want more."

So she continues upward.The third floor sign reads:

FLOOR 3-These men have jobs,love kids,and are Extremely Good looking.

"Wow,"she thinks,but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 4-These men have jobs,love kids,are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with the housework.

"Oh,mercy me!"she exclaims, "i can hardly stand it!"still,she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 5-These men have jobs,love kids,are Drop-dead Gorgeous,Help with housework,and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay,but she goes to the sixth floor,Where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6-You are visitor 31,456,012to this floor.There are no men on this floor.This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband store....


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges,the store's owners opened a New wives store jus across the street

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third,fourth,fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

[wbeedie]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar
on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob
took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ....
and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked,
'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy,
his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said,
'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July'.

[wbeedie]

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.



Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.



Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?



Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Stuff those rednecks!



Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.







Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.



Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli !!!

[wbeedie]

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

[wbeedie]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
__________________

[3762dazzer]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

[wbeedie]

Thats the entry for our wee group Dazzer lol

[3762dazzer]

Who got the bed by the winda then Will

Anyway

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a noisy pub one evening.
'Will you lend me £10?' The Scotsman shouted to The Irishman.

'You'll have to speak up a bit,' said The Irishman, 'I can't hear a word you're saying with all The noise in here.'
'Will you lend me £10?' screamed The Scotsman at The top of his voice.

'It's no use,' said The Irishman, 'I still cannot hear a word you're saying.'

'Look,' said The Englishman,' standing beside them, 'I can hear him quite clearly.'

'In that case,' said The Irishman, "you lend him The£10.'

[3762dazzer]

'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in dis sack can have da both of them,' said Murphy.

'Three,' says Paddy.

'Dat's near enough,' said Murphy. 

[young ronnie]

That's no true about daft Irish lads coz our pal's a Paddy and he's no that thick is he Willie?....he would have cupped his hands and emptied the bath the same as we would have done....so there  !!!  lol

[wbeedie]

Am in the gunslingers bed farthest awa in the corner watchin the door

[3762dazzer]

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he spots a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets a stiffy. The woman notices  comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you boner, it means you called for me."

She then lays him down and does the business.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge stiffy and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "Eh No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get a boner once a week if I'm lucky but I had beans this morning for breakfast!!" 

[restlesswave]

ronnie i was going to use the laws of displacement to empty the bath-all i had to do was get in!

[young ronnie]

Went through my mind right enough,but I was far too polite to say that Frankie !!

[restlesswave]

what was the old saying?-great minds-daft as one another!?

[young ronnie]

Great minds think alike....fools seldom differ......which ones are we ??  lol

[restlesswave]

nothings absolutely foolproof-because fools are so ingenious.

[young ronnie]

As I never tire of telling my little nest of vipers....If you were so bleedin' clever 30 years ago,why did you marry me ??......that keeps her in her place lol

[quiet waters]

bad enough you two confusinf yersels and each other but when you start lee'n the rest of us scratching oor heids then thats the final nail that broke the eye oh the needle, cos its easier to get a straw coffin into heaven than for a silent rich man to buy a golden camel, we all know that wan in a bush is better than two wae the hand, i came in the night and the wife said my dinner was on the table, i went thru and there was nothin but an empty plate and the dog fast asleep, i woke him up and asked him if he ate my dinner, he said naw, but his nose was covered in gravy, i should have just given him a kick instead of waking him up first, i'm a great one for living by these old adages so nae tea for me!!!
only yesterday i was oot a walk and met a man carrying a hive, couldn't miss the chance so i asked him if he thought i was beautiful? he said aye, so i walked away happy. at halloween i went out dressed as a big cash box instead of going to a dance, the wife thought i was daft, but i told her it was better to be a safe than soiree'!! but then i don't listen to anything she says, for my birthday in july she gave me a clydesdale, i know nathin aboot animals so i phoned the vet on the mobile to ask for a few pointers, he asked me if the beast had good teeth, i opened its mooth to check and the b ugger bit me!!! thats the last time i look a gift horse in the mooth!!!

[wbeedie]

> > Ever wondered where the Scots get their bad name ?
> >
> > -------
> >
> > A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
> > Eve and
> > says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
> > mother and I are
> > divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
> >
> > 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
> >
> > 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
> >
> > 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
> > you call
> > your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
> >
> > Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like
> > hell
> > they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
> >
> > She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are
> > NOT
> > getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
> > calling my
> > brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
> > thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
> >
> > The old man hangs up his phon e and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he
> > says,
> > 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
> >

[johntar tt10]

Short one on Sex Education

Teacher in the classroom explains to children..........

"We all children of Adam and Eve class"............

Kid pipes up "My dad says we are all descended from Apes miss".........

Teacher answers "We're not talking about your feckin lot Abdullah".........


Letter to Jonathon Ross over his troubles on radio2.........

Dear Jonathon,

I've just shagged your Daughter......

Who's laughing now???

Lots of love.....

Garry Glitter xxx



It is now illegal to wear clothes on the wrong part of your body............

Take Gary Glitter for example..........

He was jailed for putting a Thai on his pecker............

[wbeedie]

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great fo r two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, " Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. "
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does=2 0Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" "
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us.  We won.  Let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q : What's the differen ce between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. 

[quiet waters]

why does willie never wear a vest?

he's decided to be anti semmit ic

think i visited that website too, its hard to decide who it will be most comfortable to offend

did you know that rikki is jewish? when he's trying to attract the crews attention he pits doon the wheelhoose window and shouts "OI  mc VEY"

[wbeedie]

A  man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he
> notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It  reads:
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.
>
> He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives
> on without a second thought....
>
> Soon he sees another sign which  reads:  SISTERS OF ST.
> FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
>
> Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real
> and drives past a third sign saying:
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
>
> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
> drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone
> building with a small sign next to the door reading:
> SISTERS OF ST.  FRANCIS
>
> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
> answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
> 'What may we do for you my son?'
>
> He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was
> interested in possibly doing business....'
>
> 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led
> through many winding passages and is soon quite
> disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the
> man, 'Please knock on this door .  '
>
> He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
> cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place
> $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the
> end of the hallway.'
>
> He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and
> slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
>
> The  door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking
> lot facing another sign:
>
> GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF
> ST.  FRANCIS.
> SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER .

[wbeedie]

>             God said, 'Adam, I
>             Want you to do
>             Something for Me.'
>
>             Adam said, 'Gladly,
>             Lord, what do You
>           
Want me to do?'
>
>             God said, 'Go down
>             I nto that valley.'
>
>             Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
>
>             God explained it to
>             Him. Then God said,
>             'Cross the river.'
>
>             Adam said, 'What's a River?'
>
>             God explained that
>             To him, and then said,
>             'Go over to the hill....'
>
>             Adam said, 'What is a
>             Hill?'
>
>             So, God explained to
>             Adam what a hill was.
>
>             He told Adam, 'On
>             The other side of the
>             Hill you will find a
>             Cave.'
>
>             Adam said, 'What's a
>             Cave?'
>
>             After God explained,
>             He said, 'In the cave
>             You will find a woman.'
>
>             Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
>
>             So God explained
>             That to him, too.
>
>             Then, God said, 'I
>             Want you to
>             Reproduce.'
>
>             Adam said, 'How do
>             I do that?'
>
>             God first said (under
>           
His breath), 'Geez....'
>
>             And then, just like Everything else, God
> Explained that to
>             Adam, as well.
>
>             So, Adam goes down
>             Into the valley,
>
>             Across the river, and
>             Over the hill, into the
>             Cave, and finds the
>             Woman.
>
>             Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
>
>             God, His patience
>             Wearing thin, said
>             Angrily, 'What is it
>             Now?'
>
>             And Adam said....
>
>             *
>
>             *
>
>             (YOU'RE GOING TO
>             LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
>
>             *
>
>           
*
>
>             *
>
>             *
>
>             *
>
>             'What's a headache?
>

[young ronnie]

Willie...Try doing what I did one night just before bedtime...I handed the wife a couple of paracetamols and a glass of water,and said "that's for your headache dear".  She looked kinda puzzled and said "Me ??....I've no got a headache".....yipppeeeeee  jackpot !!!!!.......(it didnae work by the way  lol)

[wbeedie]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty Badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the Body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ’Yup, his face is burned up pretty badly. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.


Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'


The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'


'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.



'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,


’There’s Bubba with them two assholes

[young ronnie]

One for the older folk among us....Doctor Finlay and Doctor Cameron were burned to a crisp when Arden House went on fire,and wee Janet was called to the mortuary to try and identify them.The only bit on both of them that wasn't burned was their c*cks,the rest was unrecognisable.Right away Janet pointed to one and said "that's Doctor Finlay,the other one is Doctor Cameron"  "How on earth can you tell that?" asked the mortuary attendant."Ach that's easy" says Janet  "the difference is in the thickness".

[3762dazzer]

If the BNP ran call centres

Press 1 if you speak English

Pres 2 if you'd like to be disconnected until you've f***ing well learnt!!!!!!!