24 replies to this topic

[Barry McCrindle]

Another week begins

[wbeedie]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[wbeedie]

Paddy & Murphy are on an adventurous camping holiday in a south american jungle.
While walking through the jungle looking for somewhere to camp for the nighht ,they come across a clearing next to a river where they see a tent & camp fire.
Deciding that theyd rather camp somewhere else as they didnt know who was already camping there ,they start to walk on .Just as they walk away to find another place to camp, Murphy spots a crocodile with a mans head sticking out of its mouth through the smoke of the camp fire ,he turns to Paddy & says "im glad were going somewhere else Paddy i dont like the look of him".
"The look of who?" asks Paddy
"The posh t**t over there!" replies Murphy pointing over to the man in the croc "look at the flash b***tard with his lacoste sleeping bag!

[wbeedie]

Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favourite celebrity Jane Goodie.

My favorite dancer Michael Jackson.

My favorite actor Patrick Swayze.

Now my favorite singer Stephen Gately.

Just so that you know,

My favorite twins are John and Edward!

[wbeedie]

A woman is in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches from the local supermarket. Before passing sentence, the judge asks her how many peaches were in the tin. She informs him there were six. He tells her she must serve one week in custody for every peach. As she is being led from the dock, her husband shouts from the public gallery: “And she nicked a tin of peas!”

[wbeedie]

Daffy Duck is on a dirty weekend and rings reception for some condoms - the receptionist says 'shall i put them on your bill' - Daffy replies "don't be so ridiculouth, I'll thuckin thuffocathe".

[wbeedie]

Three mice are discussing which one of them is the hardest over a drink in the local pub. The first mouse says: “I’m the hardest as I go up to mousetraps, rip the cheese off them, and as the bar comes down, I bench press it 30 times and throw it across the floor.” The second mouse says: “You pufta - that’s nothing! I get rat poison and crush it into powder and snort it!” The third mouse finishes his drink and gets up to leave. The other two mice ask him where he thinks he is going. “I’ve heard enough bullsh*t from you two - I’m off home to shag the cat!”

[wbeedie]

Necrophilia is dead boring..
Incest on the other hand is only relatively boring..

[wbeedie]

A man was standing on a bridge on evening singing,"Twenty one today! Twenty one today..." when an Asian came up to him and congratulated him on his birthday.

The man replied, "It's not my birthday."

The Asian replied, "Then why are you singing,"Twenty one today?"

The man then grabbed hold of the Asian and threw him over the bridge singing, "Twenty two today! Twenty two today!"

[wbeedie]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?






A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

[wbeedie]

Chap goes to see his counsellor after a referral from the GP.

" So, what is it? " Asks the councellor. " I know it's a sexual issue, so enlighten me some more? "

" I'm unemployed, I have no future and my wife works for the DHSS - she even gives me DHSS sex. "

The counsellor looks stunned. " DHSS sex? What on earth is that? "

" I only get it fortbightly but there's never enough to live on....."

[wbeedie]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful
morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy
Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once..............................................

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

[wbeedie]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun'.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand
and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the ***** stole ma wallet !'

[wbeedie]

Landlord is behind the bar when a chap comes in and asks for a pint and places a small polished wooden case on the bar. Barman asks what the case is and the chap says " I'll show you" and opens the case. Inside is a minature grand piano and a small chap who commences to play beautifully.
Barman is astounded and asks hime where he got it. Chap says - "Well, one evening in the winter when it was dark and wet I was walking behind an old lady who was shuffling along - and she suddenly stepped out into the road in front of a bus. So I rushed and pulled her back. She was a bit shocked so I said I would run her home, which I did. She insisted I came in and had a cup of tea. Then she said she was a witch and wanted to do something for me to show her appreciation for rescuing her. She said I could have any wish I liked.
It was just my bloody luck that she was hard of hearing and I've ended up with a ten inch pianist"

[fincutter]

My neighbors, the lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch

[fincutter]

EU  Directive No. 456179

 
  In  order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all  citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must  be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used  after 31st  December 2009 .

  From  this date, the correct terminology will be:  'Euronating'.

 
  Thank  you for your  attention.

[fincutter]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her
over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

[fincutter]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to 
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.                   
  One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it
was about. The letter read:                                         
                                                                     
                                                                     
  Dear God,                                                           
  I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.         
  Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is  my birthday,
and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money,
I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope..                                                         
  Please help me?                                                     
  Sincerely, Edna                                                     
                                                                     
                                                                     
  The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few 
pounds.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman.                         
  The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.         
  A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same
hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.   
  It read:                                                           
                                                                     
                                                                     
  Dear God,                                                           
  How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.         
  By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.                                         
  Yours Sincerely,                                                   
  Edna                                                               
                                                                     
                                                                     
                                                                     
                                                                     
                                                                     
                                                                     
                                                                     

[wbeedie]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[wbeedie]

Womens' first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet-
"Eeww that's horrible, must get cleaning equipment before I can use this."

Mens' first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet-
"Hmmm, can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"

[wbeedie]

Battle of Trafalgar in 2009 or “Oh how far we have come.”









Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy.."

[wbeedie]

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and it found over 15,000 matches.

[wbeedie]

FEMALE COMPASSION. The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to h im and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[wbeedie]

The liverpool board has confirmed that tampax will be there new sponsor next year. A spokesman for tampax said a bunch of ***** going through a bad period is what our company is all about!