39 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Well a year is nearly up now so here we go
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.

You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

[wbeedie]

Should the UK adopt The Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro

[wbeedie]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,

“I wanna watch.”

[wbeedie]

An old, retired Steve Elwood was sitting on a bench, photographing the ships sailing up the Tyne and reminiscing about the past.

A young punk was passing and seeing the old photographer looking at him said, "What the hell are you staring at?"

The old fella said, "I was looking at your hair, it's all colours, red, blue, green, orange and yellow!"

"What's the matter with that, didn't you do anything wild in your day, old man?" said the punk.

"Well yes, I did," said old Steve. "I once got pissed in Valparaiso and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

[wbeedie]

God was getting worried.
Hardly anyone was going to church anymore and worshiping him.
One day he gathered some of his disciples around him and had a bit of a conflab with them.
Why is it he asked, that so few people worship me these days?
The disciples all agreed that the big problem on earth these days was the common use of drugs.
God decided to send his disciples forth and bring back some drugs to see what they were like.
After a week or so Simon came back and God asked him what he'd bought back. ''Some Crack Cocaine'' said Simon. God said ''Go into that room over there, try it, and let me know what you think of it''
An hour after that Mathew returned, and God asked him what he'd bought back.'' A couple of pages of LSD tabs'' he replied. Good said God, ''Go into that room over there and try some, and let me know what you think of it'' Just after that, James arrives and God asks him what he's bought back ''A pound of cannabis'' says James. Okay says God, go into that room over there and try some, and let me know what you think of it'' Shortly after that Judas turns up and God asks him what he's bought back. Judas replies ''The Drug Squad''

[wbeedie]

A little girl asked her Mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat'.

"What's that mean?"asked the child.

'Go ask your father, I think he's in the garage. '

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you. '

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, And scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash
and only go one time round the block. '

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said,"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[wbeedie]

how do you get a half kilo of fat into a mans mouth?

stick a nipple on it!

[wbeedie]

How do you get 47 little old ladies to say, "F*ck?"

Call out, "Bingo!"

[wbeedie]

Childbirth at 65
With all of the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65 year old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the Hospital and went home, I went to visit her.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked
"Not yet" she said, "I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first"
Thirty minutes passed, and I again asked, "May I now see the new baby"
"No, not yet" she replied.
After about 20 minutes had further elapsed, I asked once more, "May I now see the baby?"
"No, not yet" my friend replied again
Growing very impatient, I asked of my friend, "Well when can I see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me
"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded, "WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE CRIES?"
"BEAUSE I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHERE I PUT HIM, OK!!!!"

[wbeedie]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[wbeedie]

Golf is to be made an Olympic Sport

I can only imagine the confusion that this will cause at the Paralympics when the competitors are asked what their handicap is

[wbeedie]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the chemists.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter,
and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package,
took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused.

So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

It was empty.

'Just a minute,'
she said,
and walked to the door,
and locked it.

Taking my hand,
she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?'
She asked.

Well,
I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on,
she dropped her skirt,
removed her knickers and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on',
she said,
'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her.
It was so wonderful,
that unfortunately,
I could no longer hold back and KAPOW,
I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said,
'I sure did,'
and held up my thumb to show her.




She fainted.

[wbeedie]

A drunk man is sat in a bar with his friend, when he suddenly pukes down his front.

He tells his friend that if he goes home drunk again, his wife has said she will leave him.

His friend says dont worry, put a £20 note in your jacket pocket and say its from the man who puked on you, to pay for the dry cleaning bill.

When the man gets home his wife starts to bollock him, he tells her the story and she removes the money, then asks why there is two £20 notes.

The man replies, the second one is from the man who shat in my pants....

[wbeedie]

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you'. To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you too'

[wbeedie]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[wbeedie]

At the bar last night some ugly girl comes up to me and said "what does reincarnation mean?"

I said it means when you die you come back as something else.

So she said when I die I'm gonna come back as a dog.

So I said you're not fcuking listening!

[fincutter]

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for his client, John Wright.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him:

'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the
stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

[fincutter]

Woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful  dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. 

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. 


As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. she decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your
shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'
 





The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

[fincutter]

I walked into B&Q yesterday, wandered down the timber aisle and some old fart, dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron, asked me if I wanted decking.   
Fortunately, I got the first half dozen punches in and sorted the b*****d out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Spread this warning on to all your friends.

[fincutter]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St

Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.  'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But

Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been

forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of

Heavenly Arrivals.'



'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'



'Just three questions' said St Peter.



'Which are?' asked the blonde.



'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with

the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'



'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I

call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'



So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable

thought (I expect you to do the same).



The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she

had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'



'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the

letter T?'



The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'



St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the

answer can be applied to the question.



'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three

questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'



The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'



'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'



'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of

February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of

twelve seconds.'



St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider

your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking

his head.



A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the

answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question

absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the

answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'



The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to

answer.'



'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'



'It's Andy.'



'Andy??'



'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.



This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,

deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any

longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you

arrive at THAT answer?'



'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his

billy boiled.'



And the blonde entered Heaven...



Worse ... you’re now singing it to yourself!

     .

[fincutter]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. 
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"   "Eight," the boy replied. 
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" 
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[fincutter]

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beastie,
O the panic in thy breastie,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor,
"This is the serious Burns unit." 

[fincutter]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' 

[fincutter]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
Straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'

[fincutter]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown

[wbeedie]

A couple in their 80’s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen for a drink,” he replies. She asks, ” Will you get me piece of cake?” The husband says, “Sure.” She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you don’t forget it?” He says, “No, I can certainly remember that!”

Then the woman says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down because I know you’ll forget it.” The man replies, “I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries.”

She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream on top. Now I’m certain you’re gonna forget that, so you’d better write it down ok.” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cakewith strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”

[wbeedie]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[wbeedie]

how to impress your woman (and why they are complicated)

How to Impress A Woman

* Wine her.
* Dine her.
* Call her.
* Hold her.
* Surprise her.
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her.
* Listen to her.
* Laugh with her.
* Cry with her.
* Romance her.
* Encourage her.
* Believe in her.
* Pray with her.
* Pray for her.
* Respect her.
* Honour her.
* Cuddle her.
* Shop with her.
* Give her jewellery.
* Give her flowers.
* Kiss her.
* Caress her.
* Love her.
* Stroke her.
* Tease her.
* Comfort her.
* Protect her.
* Hug her.
* Spend money on her.
* Buy things for her.
* Care for her.
* Stand by her.
* Support her.
* Hold her hand.
* Write love letters to her.
* Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.

How To Impress A Man (and why we are simple)

* Show up naked.
* Bring chicken wings.
* Don’t block the TV.

[wbeedie]

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

[wbeedie]

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes

Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to do that
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic and turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I want something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something terrible today
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

MEN’S ENGLISH

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice tits!

You look tense = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = What self-inflicted psychological trauma is it this time?

What’s wrong? = I’m guessing sex is out of the question
I’m bored = Would you like to f**k?

I love you = I’d like to f**k right now
I love you, too = I really want to f**k

Let’s talk = I’d like to show you my emotional depth as a prelude to sex
Will you marry me? = I really enjoy having sex with you