31 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Almost a years worth of jokes cant be many left now

[davidanvil]

HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED AT WORK....?
HAD A CAR ACCIDENT....?
SLIPPED ON A WET DECK...?
OR TRIPPED OVER UNEVEN SURFACE...?
IF SO ....

YOUR A REAL CLUMSY PRAT...!

[davidanvil]

I HAVE BEEN ASKED OUT TO A NIGHT CLUB SO AM GOING DRESSED TO KILL..!



BEARD, SANDALS, TURBAN, SHADES, AND BACKPACK------

[davidanvil]

MAN DRIVING DOWN ROAD.WOMAN DRIVING UP SAME ROAD. THEY PASS EACH OTHER.
MAN SHOUTS OUT WINDOW "BIG FAT COW" WOMAN YELLS OUT WINDOW P****!
WOMAN TURNS CORNER CRASHES INTO  A HUGE COW AND DIES.
MORAL OF THE STORY?
IF ONLY WOMEN WOULD LISTEN.     

[pricey797]

hi all happy birthday to the site

whats the difference between marmlade and jam





you just cant marmlade your c@*k into your mrs bits

[fincutter]

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beastie,
O the panic in thy breastie,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor,
"This is the serious Burns unit." 

[fincutter]

The Irish Ballerina



A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. 



She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.



But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman gulped it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'



The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[fincutter]

Anniversary knickers



A middle-aged woman was trying to think of ways to spice up the flagging sex life between her and her husband of 30 years so went out and bought some new underwear to surprise him on their anniversary.



As they sat opposite each other, toasting 30 happy years together, the wife spread her legs provocatively to tantalise her husband with a glimpse of the new underwear.



“Are you wearing crotchless knickers?” he asked her. “Oh yes,” she gasped breathlessly, expecting an excited response.



“Thank f—k for that,” he exclaimed. “I thought the stuffing was bursting out of the sofa!”

[fincutter]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with
a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a
ship
and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of
birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye
just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[fincutter]

The maths on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.


On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything! 


Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes renting makes far more sense.

[fincutter]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. 
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"   "Eight," the boy replied. 
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" 
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[fincutter]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Sh * it, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice .....

"Shit, I missed." 

[wbeedie]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of The Thames near The House Of Commons in Central London .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me.. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh#t out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh#t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ***hole and a briefcase.
__________________

[wbeedie]

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your a*s before the day was over."

[wbeedie]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl to spend the night
with him. She agreed to do so for $500. When he was ready to leave in the
morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that he
would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "rent
for an apartment." On the way to the office, he decided that the whole
thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his
secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear madam:

Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount I agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression:

1. That it had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. That it was small.

Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and
it was entirely too large.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with
the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear sir:

I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how
you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As
for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on. As
for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture
to fill it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Sometimes a good comeback is compensation enough...]

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into their room... they kiss and hug and have sex. (The
daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the
mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh, I see, but the other night, when I came into you and daddy's room,
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
A man just finished going down on a japan womans pussy, when she let out a fart....... her reply was
"Me, so sorrry, you just ate my pussy so well, my other end was blowing you a kiss...

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answer might be! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is: The head, the heart, and the penis." The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies in her stomach. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question: "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS--YOU WIN!!"

[wbeedie]

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next.

[wbeedie]

Whats the difference between a policeman with a speed gun and
going down on a woman?
When you go down on a woman you can see the c**t behind the bush


3 advantages of getting a £50 note tattooed on ur cock:
1: You can play with your money
2: You can watch your money grow
and 3 your girl can blow as much money as she wants


whats the difference between acne and a priest?
acne waits til you're 14 before it comes on your face!

[wbeedie]

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

[wbeedie]

http://seorant.ath.c...e/ladybird.html

[wbeedie]

A Sikh man is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.

"How much do you charge?", asks Gerdial Singh

Mary replies, "It starts at 500 ringgit for a hand-job."

Gerdial says, "500 ringgit for a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

With a saucy flick of her eyelashes, Mary says, "Do you see that Mary Restaurant on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the next Mary's about another block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see the third Mary's, just by the side of the old Cathay cinema?"

"Yes."

"Well," says Mary, smiling invitingly, "I own those.

And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth 500 ringgit."

Gerdial then exclaims, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to the nearby Marriott Hotel.

A short time later, Mr Gerdial Singh is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500 ringgit.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000 ringgit?"

Mary replies, "RM1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

Mary then says, while signalling Gerdial to come closer to her.

"Come closer to this window, big boy. Do you see that bank just across the junction to Jalan Sultan Ismail?

I own that bank outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every sen of 1,500 ringgit !"

And poor Gerdial, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off his intended new mobile phone and says, "Give it to me !!!"

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

Mr Singh can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into what else he may have left with him for one more glorious and unforgettable experience.

He then asks Mary,"How much for some pussy?"

Mary replies, "Come over here to this other window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Kuala Lumpur is laid out before us ..... all those beautiful lights, banks ...... corporate offices ..... business houses ..... and big-&-small shops and places?"

"Wowwww !!" Gerdial shouts out in awe, "You own the whole city ??"

"No," Mary replies, "but I would if I had a pussy

[wbeedie]

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f**k him'.

[wbeedie]

Bloke was enjoying "69" with his girlfriend when he suddenly remembered that he had a dentist's appointment in 20 minutes.

He leapt off panicking, thinking that the dentist was sure to suss out what he had been up to, so he brushed his teeth, flossed, mouthwashed, brushed again, mouthwashed again then rushed off to the dentist confident he had removed all evidence of his activities. Just to be on the safe side he sucked a couple of extra strong mints on the way.

At the dentist he went straight in and settled down in the chair. The dentist came over and started poking and prodding in his mouth as they do. By way of conversation the dentist said, "You've just been doing "69" haven't you?"

Embarrassed the bloke said, "Yes, but how did you know? Was it my breath or something?"











"No", said the dentist, "It was the skidmarks on your forehead!"

[wbeedie]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'



Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1 Take a shower.
2 Splash on some nice perfume.
3 Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4 Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and
allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .
please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man .. . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:




LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE......MORE......TIME!!!'

[wbeedie]

When I was a lad Mum used to give me 10 shillings and send me to the shops.
I could get a chicken, two pints of milk,a comic, six eggs and a pair of jeans.
You cant do that nowadays,,,,,,,,,,,


I blame CCTV!!!!!!!!!

[wbeedie]

one for the Engineers.
The vagina is the best engine in the world.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size of piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
Its only a great pity that its management system is so f*****g temperamental

[wbeedie]

LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"

Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir"

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?

[fincutter]

A Maine senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State-Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a MaineState Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[fincutter]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..'

[fincutter]

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again..'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[fincutter]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'