112 replies to this topic

[young ronnie]

What have a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common ?......They're both black nearly to the top with a white collar on them and if you get a bad one at night you are likely to end up with a very sore arse the following day.

[3762dazzer]

I hear there's a new web site for potential suicide bombers to keep in touch with old friends

www.friends-re-ignited.com

[3762dazzer]

This one's gone around like wild fire but

Black women all over the states are shaving their pubic hair off  today in support of barrack OBAMA

Their message to the world

READ OUR LIPS, NO MORE BUSH !!!!!!!

[markh]

[Hooked]

When Ralph  first noticed that his penis was growing larger  and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as  was his wife.
But after  several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly  twenty inches. 

Ralph  became quite concerned. He was having problems  dressing,and even walking. So he and  his  wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an  initial examination, the doctor explained to the  couple that, though rare, Ralph's   condition could be fixed through  corrective  surgery.

'How long  will Ralph be on  crutches?' the wife asked  anxiously.
'Crutches?  Why would he need  crutches?' responded the  surprised doctor.
'Well,' said the wife   coldly, 'you're gonna  lengthen his  legs, aren't  you? 




 

[homeward bound]

apparentlly thats the first time a  black man has been in the white house without a mop and bucket !!

[sam]

An 11 year old boy comes home from school looking very pleased with himself. Wondering why, his mum asks whether anything interesting's happened. "I had sex with my English teacher today" says the boy. His mum is shocked and is immediately on the phone to his dad, who rushes home. However, instead of being angry, his dad is proud.
"This is the day you become a man son" he says "Lets go out for ice cream and then I'll buy you a bike."
The boy replies "Wow dad, I love ice cream, but instead of a bike could I have a football, my arse is killing me." 

[johntar tt10]

Wee Jimmy walks into parents bedroom and see's Mummy sitting on top of Daddy having nooky.....

"Whats you at?" asks Wee Jimmy.........

"Mummy is trying to flatten Daddy's big tummy" says Mummy.............

"Think your wasting your time Mummy" says Wee Jimmy......

"How do you think that Jimmy?" asks Mummy..........

"Well every time you are out the Lady from next door visits, goes down on her knees and blows him back up"

[jac]

new sex drug on market called viazac.
half viagra,half prozac.
it's fantastic-if you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck

[jac]

a bomb has been found outside the chapel in larkhall.
authorities are urging the public not to panic as they managed to push it inside

[wbeedie]

A Captain in the Scots Division was transferred to a Kintyre outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking coooooooo tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the cooooo for?"
The Sergeant replied,
"Well, sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the cooooooooo!!!."

The captain said,
"Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about six months,
the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant,
"BRING IN THE COOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the coooooooooooo!!!!!!!! into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the coooooo.
As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool,
and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant,
"Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied,

"Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
__________________

[wbeedie]

A woman knocked on my door earlier tonight and said
'Are you the bloke who pulled my 8 year old son out of the river yesterday, saving his life?'

I smiled and said
'Yes, that was me.'

She replied
'Wheres his feckin bunnet?'

riki fulton scotch & wry 1981

[wbeedie]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women.
At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.

AIM:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's just the way the game's played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ...............................+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up....................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty... 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex...-1
You go out to buy her extra-light pantie liners with wings...+5
in the snow.....................................+8
but return with beer............................-5
and no liners..................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5
You smash it with a cricket bat...................+10
It's her cat...................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening........... 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub...-2
Called Tiffany......................-4
Who is a lap dancer................-10
With breast implants...............-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Ok, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.........................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team...-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate....................................... 0
The mate is happily married..........................+1
The mate is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film..........................+2
You take her to a see a film she likes................+4
You take her to a see a film you hate.................+6
You take her to a see a film you like.................-2
It's called Death Cop III.............................-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans.....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts...-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your arse".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.............0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..........................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.... +50
You're mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
"well, what do you think I should do?".........-100
You have fallen asleep.............................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

[wbeedie]

In class, a little girl asks,
"Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?"
asks the teacher.

"Forty."
she replies.

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks,
"Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers,
"Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks,
"Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers,
"I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then,
the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,
"See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

[wbeedie]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts? ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.

[jac]

whats the difference between a wife and a job.
after 10 years your job still sucks.

[Jersey Joe]

My mates just come out of hospital having had an operation to remove a mole from the end of his penis.

He told me thats the last time he evr shags one of them things!!!

[Adoration II]

Charles and Camilla!

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the
aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla
retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, 'Darling, please get these shoes off, my feet are killing me.'

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

'Harder!' Camilla yelled. 'Harder!'

'I'm trying, darling!' The Prince yelled back. 'It's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on! Give it all you've got!'

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,

'There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!'

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See I told you, with a face like that she was still a
virgin.'

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!' exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, 'That's my
boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'


The waiter took a bottle of Merlot to the woman sitting alone in the restaurant and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there,' indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man and decided to send a reply note.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose a response of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: 'For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.'


A British Airways passenger cabin
was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he
came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers:
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays,
that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines.' he said,
'I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no
one.' To which the flight attendant
replied, without missing a beat,
'Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch!'

[Jersey Joe]

Whats the difference between a blow job from an 80 year old granny and a bungee jump?


Nothing - they are both awesome but just dont look down!!

[Adoration II]

haha gooder 1

[irishmariner]

A young girl about 9 years of age was in the barbers shop with her father, she was standing behind the chair he was sitting in looking at her father in the mirror getting his hair cut, all the while she was munching and licking away on a bun her father bought for her before they went in. The barber was clipping away doing his thing moving around as they do, and he looked down at the girl and said   "hey little girl, your gonna get hair on your muffin"    and with that, and without missing a beat she quipped back to the barber   "ya, I know, and Im gonna get tits too........................"

[Adoration II]

This brought a tear to my eye!

Hope this touches you the way it touched me!

GOODBYE MOM


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

He answered, 'That's okay.'

'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, M u  m'
as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her
way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, M u m.'

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went to pay for his groceries.

'That comes t o    £121.85,' said the clerk.

'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'

The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too.'

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[Adoration II]

CoNdOmS.... Sainsbury's flavoured condoms ~ making life taste better

Tesco's condoms ~ every little helps

Nike condoms ~ just do it

Peugeot condoms ~ the ride of your life

New galaxytextured condoms ~ why have rubber when you can have silk?

KFC condoms ~ they're finger licking good

Malteaser's condoms ~ they melt in your mouth not in your hands

Safeway's condoms ~ lightening the load

Abbey National condoms ~ because life is complicated enough

Coca-cola condoms ~ the real thing

Duracell condoms ~ you can just keep going and going

Macintosh condoms ~ it does more, it costs less, its that simple

Pringles condoms ~ once u pop u cant stop

Burger King ~ home off the whopper

Goodyear condoms ~ for a long ride go wide

FCUK condoms ~ FCUK all night but use protection

Muller light condoms ~ so much pleasure but where’s the pain?

Flash condoms ~ just sit back relax and let Flash do all the hard work

Halfords condoms ~ we go the extra mile

Royal mail condoms ~ i saw this and thought of us

Andrex condoms ~ soft strong and very long

Renault condoms ~ size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms ~ does exactly what it says on the packet

Domestos condoms ~ gets rite under the rim!!

Heniken condoms ~ reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms ~ probably the best condom in the world

AA condoms ~ you always have AA friend

Pepperami condoms ~ its a bit of an animal

Polo condoms ~ the condom with the hole (very poor seller)

Winders condoms ~ screaming 4 more,

Ribena condoms ~ Ohhhhh

PC world's condoms ~ we're with u every step of the way

Halifax condoms ~ who gives you extra?

Davinna Maccall's condoms ~ dont try this at home

charmin condoms ~ break the habbit (and use protection)

Tellietubbie condoms ~ again again!!!

Cadburys condoms ~ give into your happiness

Kumala condoms ~ perfect together

Red Bull condoms ~ gives u wings

Cadburys creme egg flavoured condoms ~ how do u eat yours?

Craig David flavoured condoms ~ wots ur flava?

Heinz salad cream ~ its all goin on!

Sure crystal condoms ~ unbeatable against white marks

UGC cinema condoms ~ coming soon

Lynx condoms ~ because you never know when

Treseme condoms ~ used by professionals

insette condoms....for that extra hold

Gillete condoms ~ the best a man can get

Bearnard Matthews sausages condoms~ One of life's essential ingredients.

Noika condoms ~ connecting people