112 replies to this topic

[quiet waters]

how do you think i lost my two front teeth? quite similiar to a couple of the clips, first was on a bike going home for lunch from primary school, front mudguard bracket snapped, mudguard slipped down over wheel bringing bike to instant stop and me flying over handlebars to land face first on the road, breaking one front tooth, the second was just afterthe swimming pool opened and billy mcfadyen pushing me into the shallow end splat that was the other one broken, i spent the next 10 yrs with no front teeth, my teeth have been hurting ever since i watched the clips, ouch!!!!

[Hooked]

Quote

how do you think i lost my two front teeth? quite similiar to a couple of the clips, first was on a bike going home for lunch from primary school, front mudguard bracket snapped, mudguard slipped down over wheel bringing bike to instant stop and me flying over handlebars to land face first on the road, breaking one front tooth, the second was just afterthe swimming pool opened and billy mcfadyen pushing me into the shallow end splat that was the other one broken, i spent the next 10 yrs with no front teeth, my teeth have been hurting ever since i watched the clips, ouch!!!!

Which reminds me........
There's probably still a couple of fork marks along the coast road in Guernsey by the Cup & Saucer (Perhaps Dirty Dan will confirm).  Something i will never forget, bombing along and all of a sudden the front wheel of my new gleaming new "Sun Solo" 5 speed racer came off, the spindle had apparently been put on backwards!  Luckily lost no teeth but reckon i suffered permanent brain damage  :

[young ronnie]

As good a reason as any to go to the fishing  lol

[Hooked]

Thats for sure YR, so that's why i became an Estate Agent then 
Played skittles last night, i was given the task of selling £1 raffle tickets to both teams (1st and only prize was a £3.99 bottle of Rose Wine).  Sold to every soddin player just to prove to myself i haven't lost the touch and yes..........i took my 2% fee!!

[homeward bound]

irish turkey  , was looking forward to christmas!!!!!

[jacktar]

Gordon Brown or 'Gordon Bennett - the Useless One' as he is known by some of his colleagues, was looking for a lady of the night. He found three such girls in a local pub; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, '£200 for an hour.'

He asked the same question of the brunette. Her reply was, 'Just £100 for an hour.'

He then asked the same question of the redhead.

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my knickers as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'

[Martin Johns]

One especially for Paul, no offence intended of course 

An estate agent parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the estate agent grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive.  Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the estate agent starts screaming hysterically:
'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined, it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the estate agent finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust:
'I can't believe how materialistic you estate agents are'
'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?', snaps the estate agent.
The policeman replies...
'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.
' The estate agent looks down in absolute horror...
'F***ING HELL!!!!!! He screams...
'Where's my Rolex ?..'

[Martin Johns]

Austrian Police have have found Elizabeth Fritzl's diary, (The Girl kept in the cellar).

Monday...stayed in, dad came down and f#cked me
Tuesday...got f#cked by dad
Wednesday...stayed in, dad f#cked me
Thursday...stayed in, got f#cked by dad.
Friday...stayed in, dad f#cked me.
Saturday... A day out ! I went to see Tottenham play football.............. wish I had stayed in !

[Martin Johns]

A Cornish couple walk out of the divorce court in Penzance, the wife is crying her heart out.

Her now ex-husband says, "Oh, for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister"

[Martin Johns]

A female Al-Queda terrorist was found dead today in her bathroom.
Police believe she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c#nt.

[quiet waters]

Four nuns 
Four nuns were headed to Mass on Sunday when they were suddenly killed in an horrific car crash. So tragic.

Arriving at the Pearly Gates, the angel Gabriel approached them and directed the 4 to a special line for nuns. Saint Peter announced that they would all be granted permission to enter Heaven, however, they must first cleanse themselves.

First he approached Sister Mary, and asked if she had ever come into contact with a man's penis. "Well", she paused, "I'm afraid that I did occassionally touch the penis of Father John with my hands." Saint Peter directed her to a small bird-bathlike fountain, where he told her "Wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may enter Heaven." 

Sister Mary was then let into the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter then approached Sister Joan, asking her the same question. Sister Joan also admitted, "I too touched Father John's penis with my hands." Saint Peter gave her the same directive to wash herself, and into Heaven she went.

Saint Peter then approached Sister Anna, and began to ask her the same question, but the last nun in line was clearly becoming aggitated. Before he could even finish the question, Sister Anunnciata pushed her way through, rushed to the fountain, and began gargling.

Stunned by the brashness of Sister Anunnciata, he asked loudly "Sister! Why did you do that?!" Wiping her mouth, Sister Annunciata exclaimed "If you think I'm going to wash my mouth with this water after Sister Anna sticks her ass in here, you're nuts!" 

[quiet waters]

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." 

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" 

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." 

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" 

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" 

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." 

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" 

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" 

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. 

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass." 

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
 

[quiet waters]

Riccki was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious
Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran
across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.  But desperate, he calls
them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound Weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed In nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised.  He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound Program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most Stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing Nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door and after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens.  Much to his delight, on
the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 Pound program. 

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." 

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Jammi standing there wearing nothing but puma Running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Jammy]

hahahahahahahah psml here morris tats a cracker

[Jammy]

you no whe ni was born i had two choices
i could either be a dam good shag or have a superb memory so.....








ah feck it i forgot what i was going to say now

[Jammy]

why do women wear knickers







cause health and safety rules state that all man holes need to be covered 

[Adoration II]

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[quiet waters]

A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.
" How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.

"My bike," the chief replied.

[Adoration II]

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[quiet waters]

The old clan chief sat in his  hut on the croft, smoking a  pipe and eyeing two  government  officials sent to interview him.   

"Fraser of Glenahantie" asked one  official, "You have observed the englishman for 90 years. You've seen his wars  and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's  done."

The Chief  nodded in agreement.

The  official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did  the englishman go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government  officials for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When englishmen came to this  land, the clans were running it.

"No  taxes.

"No  debt.

"Plenty  deer.

"Plenty  beaver.

"Women did  all the work.

"the healer was free.

"clansmen spent all day hunting and fishing.

"All night  having sex."

Then the chieftain leaned back and  smiled ... "Only an englishman is dumb enough to think he could improve system like  that."

[Adoration II]

[quiet waters]

bored during a long wait at an airport two jokers had the following couples paged over the airport tannoy system



Ajheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed                                                                           I hate this @>?!*!&^ job and I will be fired


Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie                                                                           I‘ve been fired, and bye-bye everybody


Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest                                                                           I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed


Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet                                                                           Oo-ah, that feels better and now I need a shit


Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted                                                                   My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard

[quiet waters]

ye hear that ricardo? james forgets what he was going to say, does that mean you'll let him catch you?

[Hooked]

A wealthy gentleman visiting Liverpool parks his Range Rover in a backstreet.  Immediately, a young Scouser comes up to him and says "Eh mate, give us a tenner & i'll look after the motor for you"  The gentleman replies "Thats very kind of you to offer son but my Doberman is in the back, he's a very good guard dog, thanks anyway"  The young lad replies "OK mate but I bet he can't extinguish a fire"  :

[irishmariner]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotchman working on board a trawler together, a small one doing day trips you see. One day the Englishman starts to give out that every time his wife packs his lunch before he goes to the boat all she gives him is cheese sandwiches, and this was really pissing him off, and the Englishman and Irishman pops up and says they have the same problem with their wives always making them ham and corned beef sandwiches respectively. After a few weeks of this they finally lost it and told the skipper if they got cheese or ham or corned beef again they were gonna jump in the tide and end it all, as they were so sick and tired of the same shite all the time going on the boat. So the next Monday morning, they all arrive down to go to sea, and out the harbour with them. After a while they decided they would have the tea, low and behold, sandwiches with cheese,ham,and corned beef respectively were produced, so the three of them jumped in the tide together. At the house of each one the skipper was trying to console the wives, the English lady was blaming herself, very upset, "I should have listened, he always gave out about those cheese sandwiches, its all my fault" she sobbed. When she went to the Irishmans wife he got the same, very distraught Irishwoman bawling and crying blaming herself for not listening. When he went to the house of the Scottish man, he met the wife in the kitchen, and she was laughing really loudly and sniggering and smiling, the skipper says "Mrs Mctavish, whats so funny, you have just lost your husband over those horrible sandwiches he hated so much, and all you can do is laugh, you should be ashamed for laughing" so with that, she took a break from laughing and says to the skipper, "You know whats so funny, I'll tell you, that feckin clown I was married to made his own sandwiches every morning"!!!!!............................................

[Adoration II]

james forgets alot of things qw he nos wat a mean lips sealed

[Hooked]

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.

I don't remember what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.   

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'   

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.   

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.   

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.   

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.   

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?    A: Breasts don't have eyes.   

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!! 

[Dirty Dan]

Had this sent to me in an email, not a joke as such but worth a read.



Shower Like a Woman



Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according
to
lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.



If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do

more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.



Get in the shower.



Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice
stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.



Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.



Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.



Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.



Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse
conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.



Turn off shower.



Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.



Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.



Get out of shower.



Dry with towel the size of a small country.



Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.



Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
see partner along the way, cover up any exposed  areas.







Shower Like a Man





Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a
pile.


Walk naked to the bathroom.



If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo'
sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.



Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.



Get in the shower.



Wash your face.



Wash your armpits.



Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and
laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your
bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
the soap.



Wash your hair.



Make a Shampoo Mohican.



Wee.



Rinse off and get out of shower.



Partially dry off.



Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the
whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.



Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on. Return to
bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.



I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!







Forward this to all the great woman you know and to men who'll
understand...




A bad days fishing is better than a good day at work

[Adoration II]

edinburgh man & glasgow man in a bar wi their wives, edinburgh man notices his mini skirt wife is wearing no knickers, elizabeth, he whispers, everyone can see ur lady bits, heres £50, nip out to marks and spencers & buy a pair of knickers, later glasgow man notices his mini skirted wife has no knickers, tracey! he shouts everyone can see yer fanny, heres a comb, tidy yersel up hen

[markh]

a vicar books into a hotel and ask the hotel clerk i hope the porn channel in his room is disabled...


she replies no sir just regular porn you sick bastard