112 replies to this topic

[Barry McCrindle]

carry on.........

[Dirty Dan]

If i must




The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack off?” she says. “I feel like shit.”

[Dirty Dan]

A man is at the dentist’s for a checkup. As the dentist leans over, he asks, “Well… So you had oral sex this morning?” “How did you know?” asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist’s perception. “Was it the smell on my breath?” “No” says the dentist. “Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?” asks the man. “No” says the dentist. “Well, what then? How did you know?” asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says “There’s a little bit of shit on the end of your nose.”

[markh]

To try & save a few quid I've been doing my shopping at Lidl's. You should try their Korean meat balls, they're the dogs bo*locks!

[markh]

why is the camel called the ship of the desert












cos its full of arab semen??







I'll get me coat

[sam]

What's the best thing about shagging 26 year olds?
There's 20 of them 

[sam]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come round to dinner with her family one night. She also says that after dinner she'd have sex with him for the first time. The boy, who is a virgin, immediately goes to the chemists to get some condoms. As he doesn't have any experience in this, the chemist helps him for half an hour, with the boy eventually buying the largest pack he can find as he figures he'll be busy.

The boy shows up at his girlfriends house at the arranged time and the family sit down at the table. The boy offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, then five minutes, with the boy still deep in prayer. Ten minutes pass without movement from the boy, then after twenty minutes, his girlfriend whispers to him "I never knew you were so religious".
The boy whispers back "I never knew your Dad was a chemist".

[Jammy]

hahahahahahah thats a good one sam psml here steaming to shoot the gear 

[Dirty Dan]

Im going to watch my wedding video later, BACKWARDS, I love the bit where she takes off the ring, goes back down the aisle, jumps in a car and fucks off!

[johntar tt10]

NOT A JOKE AS SUCH BUT WORTH A LOOK:
Note the page takes a while to load so be patient:-

1) Go to the following site, http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/  press enter when page is fully loaded, takes time.

2) Type in first name in top box

3) type in surname in next box down; Skip e-mail address

4) Click on "Vizualizar", bottom left button and watch what happens. Not porno or smut.

Do not ask me how do they do that!

[quiet waters]

in that case i'll give it a miss then!!!!

r icki will just luv that page, he'll be hours playing with it, and i know what he'll be writing for the second one once he twigs!!!!!

[Adoration II]

the heaviest penis ever recorded weighed 1.2kg no1 has ever recorded weight of the biggest fanny so could qw jump on the scales and let us no 

[homeward bound]

got the wife a 500 watt halogen worklamp for her birthday, you should have seen her face light up  !!!

[Young Knoxy]

----

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when
grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?

Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch your ass?

The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'
Grandpa said, then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk. Grandpa asked,
'Can I have a cookie?' The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'

Grandpa replied, Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'

The boy replied,
.
..
then go fu*k yourself! -- Grandma made these for me.'

[Adoration II]

tats terrible language 4 a young boy

[Young Knoxy]

not one of mine a family friends

[wbeedie]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license.

It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, '

I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

~~~~~~~~~~~

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.

The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered.

'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.

It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'

'How about transportation?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles' the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked,

'What about babies?

When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied.

'We're not going to have babies.

Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!

[wbeedie]

Actual call centre conversations !

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' Mr C Rapson
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[wbeedie]

I was shocked to hear that the BBC have received over 27000 complaints over the Andrew Sachs comments made my Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand on Radio 2.

I'm more stunned that they have over 27000 listeners!

[wbeedie]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home
and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story,
lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!

[wbeedie]

Wee johnny bursts into his mum and dads bedroom only to see his dad giving his mum one

His dad just laughs and says "Off you go Johnny"

A little while later Johhnys dad heres a commotion coming from the wee mans bedroom

He bursts in and is totally shocked to see Johnny shagging his gran.


Johhny just looks up and says.. " Not so f*ckin funny when its your mum now is it dad???"
__________________

[wbeedie]

An American and a Russian in front of the urinals. The American pulls out his huge cock and says proudly to the Russian: Buffalo Bill!
The Russian pulls out three enormous cocks and says: Chernobyl!

[quiet waters]

answer is 16st of smack you upside the head for your cheek, jabrony, can you smell what QW is cooking?

4 gallon of potato soup, and no, theres none left, i ate it all, its called three day soup, made on saturday, still some left for tuesday lunch!!!!! ok not three day, but 72hrs

[wbeedie]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

[wbeedie]

SALE NOW ON IN IKEA,Lesbian Beds
No Screwing Involved
Its All Tongue And Groove

[wbeedie]

Guy goes to confession and says to priest"Forgive me father last night i made love to a pair of 18 year old twins in positions i think are illegal over and over again till i couldnt do it anymore"
The Priest thinks for a few moments then says "my son you need to buy 5 lemons and 5 limes squeeze all the juice from them into a glass and drink the lot in one go"
The Guy says"ok father will this cleanse me of my sin?"
"No" says the priest"but it will wipe that fcuking smile off your face"

[wbeedie]

Scottish insults
She had a f*nny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin pi*h off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like sha*gin a pail of water.

It's like sha*gin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more co*ks than a fowl butcher

Fa*ny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Ar*e like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fa*ny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and sha*ging the night

She's seen more co*kends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fa*ny like a clowns pocket

Fa*ny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fa*ny like a pub carpet

More pri*ks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pi*h flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A c*nt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

C*cked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun

[wbeedie]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh!t instead."

[wbeedie]

JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST, THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

A BOY ASKS HIS GRANNY, 'HAVE YOU SEEN MY PILLS, THEY WERE LABELLED LSD?' GRANNY REPLIES, 'F**K THE PILLS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGONS IN THE KITCHEN?!'
LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTACTLY AGREES.. NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, 'DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?' DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD SAYS, 'SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?'
BILLY SAYS, ' WIMBLEDON !'
A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, 'I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT.'
HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!'
WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, 'WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY?'
HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, 'YOUR F***IN' SENSE OF HUMOUR!'
__________________

[wbeedie]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry!
And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'