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Joke Of The Week, Week 43


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#1 fincutter

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Posted 03 August 2009 - 02:46 PM

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.   

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.



'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'


She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'



So I told her to f*ck off.  :buck2: :whistle: :D
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#2 fincutter

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Posted 03 August 2009 - 07:25 PM

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexicanwoodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The  Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was
  absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could  do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called
  'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.


Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to
peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
>
> After much woodpecker pondering, they both
>                   came to the same conclusion:
>
>
>                   Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from  home.
:buck2: :D :crazy2: :crazy2: :crazy2: :crazy2:





 
 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#3 fincutter

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Posted 03 August 2009 - 07:26 PM

I was in the  pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to  fart. The music was really, really  loud, so I timed  my farts with the beat.

After a couple of  songs, I  started to feel better.   I finished my pint and  noticed that  everybody was staring at me.

Then I  suddenly remembered that I was listening to my  iPod.   :buck2: :D
 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#4 fincutter

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Posted 03 August 2009 - 07:34 PM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel : You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#5 fincutter

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Posted 03 August 2009 - 08:21 PM

. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of ani mals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to thr ow them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted rac ist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار . صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من
الثمن . ما هو الربح له؟
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#6 fincutter

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Posted 04 August 2009 - 01:06 AM

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes

Why is air a lot like sex?
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud

What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike

What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
A headless whoresman
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#7 Adoration II

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Posted 04 August 2009 - 06:26 AM

cracker  :buck2: :D
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr

Sure its a grand oul team ti play for

#8 fincutter

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Posted 04 August 2009 - 01:12 PM

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one
>> side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got
>> home  was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother
>> and told her to put them on .  When she did, they were enormous on her
>> and she
>>        said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were
>> too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the
>> trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we
>> have never had a single problem.'
>>
>>
>>        Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got
>>        Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off
>> his trousers,  gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill
>> said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear
>> them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this
>> relationship and I always will. I  don't want you to forget that.'
>>
>>
>>
>>            Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to
>> Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too
>> small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
>> 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your attitude, you  never will.'
>>
>>       
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Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#9 quiet waters

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Posted 05 August 2009 - 11:57 AM

they say that micheal jackson was lying face down beside his bed for up to three hours before the doctor realised that something was wrong!! the doctor told police "i thought he was looking for his other glove!!!"
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#10 fincutter

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Posted 05 August 2009 - 10:05 PM

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH."

"A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE window... TAKING MY
TEETH WITH HER."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#11 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:11 AM

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.

He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#12 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:12 AM

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything  of particular merit?" St. Peter  asked.

"Well, I can think of one  thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken  Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikies, who were  threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they  wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily  tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped  out his nose ring, and threw it on the  ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!!   Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of  ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When  did this happen?"


"Just a couple of minutes  ago..."   



 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#13 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:15 AM

Are you Scottish? I am........... You know you are a true Scot if...........
Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
Ye measure distance in minutes.
Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin
clarty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beastie
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
dubble nugget
And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?' 'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#14 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:17 AM

AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started...



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And that's how the fight got started..... ..



I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight got started....



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled
up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight got started.....
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#15 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:19 AM

A man and  his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist,  'Doc, I'm in one hell of A hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car Waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the Anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course In town and it's 9:30 already. I  don't have time to wait For the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is Surely a very brave man asking to  have his tooth pulled Without using anything to kill the  pain.' So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir? The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your Mouth Honey, and Show him.
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#16 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:21 AM

nice lady , getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her
> husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
>
> Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
> You're crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?
>
> We're taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate!
>
> Continental? exclaimed the hairdresser. That's a terrible airline.
> Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
> always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?
>
> We'll be at this exclusive little place overlooking the Tiber called Teste.
>
> Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going
> to be something special and lovely, but it's really a dump.
>
> We're going to visit the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.
>
> That's a laugh, replied the hairdresser. You and a million other
> people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck
> on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.
>
> A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
> asker her about the trip to Rome.
>
> It was wonderful, explained the woman. Not only were we on time in
> one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
> bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I
> had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
> And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
> job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
> were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us a large suite at no
> extra charge.
>
> Well, muttered the hairdresser, that's all well and good, but I bet
> you didn't get to see the Pople.
>
> Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
> Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope
> likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
> into his private room and wait, the Pople would personally greet me.
> Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
> shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..
>
> Oh, really!! What did he say?
>
> He said: Who fucked up your hair?
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:28 AM

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise









I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,



P. Niss



The Response



Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You
do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious
looking bags.

Sincerely,



V. Gina
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:29 AM

The Fire


In South Los Angles, a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya ,

lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, 
met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the
Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple
lived.

The fire chief said,
"Simple--- they were at work."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#19 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:31 AM

The smart Scotsman

 

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would ye let me bite yer breasts for £100?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would ye let me bite yer breasts for £1,000 " he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"


So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;

"Would ye let me bite yer breasts jist wan time fer £10,000 ?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, £10,000 ;

Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world..

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."




 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#20 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 01:45 AM

Three Hillbillies  are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of   them new

fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I

was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#21 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 02:48 PM

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help. "

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#22 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 02:50 PM

teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
         

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None   of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're assholes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#23 Barry McCrindle

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 03:05 PM

2 junkies snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, one is now in a korma and the other has a dodgy tikka
I always see both sides of the argument, the one that's wrong and mine.....

#24 fincutter

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Posted 07 August 2009 - 03:31 PM

teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother went mad,Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her'Loosen up Gran.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother  that she has
friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging
baskets.
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#25 fincutter

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Posted 08 August 2009 - 10:38 PM

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, The boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"

"Yes, " whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and D addy a nd the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."
 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#26 fincutter

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Posted 08 August 2009 - 10:48 PM

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street in Estevan , Saskatchewan .

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! 

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.