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Joke Of The Week, Week 3.....


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#121 young ronnie

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Posted 01 November 2008 - 11:10 PM

You'll have to do better than that to beat the Lester Piggot one Frankie...yon was a scorcher !!

Some learn by reading,some ask questions,others observe...but there's always one who has to pee on an electric fence for himself.


#122 quiet waters

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 02:20 PM

and the winner by a length?
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#123 Dirty Dan

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 03:54 PM

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

#124 Dirty Dan

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 04:35 PM

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

#125 quiet waters

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 04:49 PM

i'll use that one to cheer the youg fla up when he comes out the shower, just back from watching him play football, got beat 3-0, he gave away a penalty (one of his mates on other team was annoying him so he just flattened him, thats my boy) then said mate scored a bentley as time ran out, so he's ripping. wife wasn't letting me out the car in case i started heckling the ref, who i used to play in the same team as, but no, i vowed i wouldn't be my father, once in a cup final 0-0 ball came to me ten yards out perfect volley height, just as i swung my leg at it (hard to keep your balance on one foot while using the other limb like a baseball bat) a voice from the touchline yelled "SHOOT", i of course missed the ball completely and we lost 1-0, scrub that joke ploy to cheer him up, his girlfriend just arrived, i am no longer needed, except to go and pick up all the muddy kit and wash it for him.
they say you live your life thru your kids, i don't, besides she's only 14, i'd get jailed!!!! and her faither is bigger than me, not that i'd recognise her, i'm not allowed to make eye contact, or speak to her in case i affront  him, annoyed him yesterday when two pals came to see him and ended up sitting with me watching the Who in las vegas, maybe they misheard when they asked wat i was watching? i'm now coming back into fashion with 16yr olds, they're jealous of an old sex pistols poster i found and gave the boy and when they went to a gig recently they bought ramones and hendrix Tshirts, i was the same at 16, just couldn't get enough of the bluebell polka and one i heard on the radio yesterday for first time in nearly 40 yrs Fireball XL5, theres one for the older among us, john tar will know them, he never used to come and see us play the islay frigate cos we didn't have an accordian player!!! plus we were fae the toon and that got you battered back then, unless you had Kerr and Jockets for bodyguards, saved me mair than wance
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#126 quiet waters

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 04:51 PM

can't keep doin that, i'll need to make an attempt at a joke, lill bit of politics seeing theres two elections coming up, the one on the east coast and one somewhere else

What politics is...

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm  the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the  Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so  he gets up to check on him...
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room  and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting 
to wake her,  he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He   gives up  and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." 

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you  think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#127 quiet waters

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 04:54 PM

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he is getting out of the car a truck comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. 

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any question the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's with the panel beater it'll never be the same again.  After the lawyer finally finishes his ranting and raving the policeman finally shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are", he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything in your life."  "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.  The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" 

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F ucking hell!" he screams, "Where's my Rolex?" 
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#128 quiet waters

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 04:58 PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... 

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where she has
the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no
matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
rooster."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then .........."
he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#129 quiet waters

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 05:27 PM

The Daily Telegraph asked readers to take any  word
from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing  one letter... and supply a new definition!

1)  Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize  it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life  as a hillbilly.

3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

4) Giraffiti: Vandalism  spray-painted very, very high.

5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the  author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (you all got that one, didn't you?)

6)  Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7)  Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. 

9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody  is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the  Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10) Glibido: All talk and  no action.

11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem  smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the  liter(ature):

12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and  an asshole.

the last eight i thought up myself


13) parsefist: thaact of punching someone in the face who tries to correct your grammar ansd structoring of your sentences by explaining the use of parse or parsing in your written work. i don't need to explain the meaning of parse to anyone, do i?


“Parsing” means detecting the structure implicit in superficially-unstructured sequences of items. For instance, someone who encounters the English sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” understands it by grasping that the first four words group together, as subject of the verb “jumps”, and that the last four words go together as a group within which the preposition “over” is in construction with the phrase “the lazy dog”. Linguists represent parse structure using tree diagrams, or (equivalently, and easier to show in a web page) by inserting labelled brackets among the words – for instance, the SUSANNE parsing scheme would represent this example as:

[S [Ns:s The quick brown fox ] [Vz jumps ] [P:q over [Ns the lazy dog ] ] ]

14)spotinaity: the habit teenage males faces have of breaking out in plooks the day before a heavy first date

15) grannular: the small gathering of crumbs and phlegm that can be seen atthe corner of old wimmins mouths.

16) clitic : the habit a female might have of complaining about your oral sex technique

17) buggerlar : a criminal who breaks into homes at night, very dangerous, if you wake and disturb him, you're f ucked!!!!

18) prickled : yes, we know this one, it describes the moments during sex just before the vinegar strokes?

19) ba stardeyes : the look of a childs features that make it obvious its parents are first cousins

20) druplicate : a recurring habit of partaking of too much beer of a weekend and not being able to rise to the occasion
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#130 restlesswave

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 08:49 PM

a lad lives next door to an english blind institute. every day he watches all these big lads,not fit to see going in to do their crafts etc. our lad figures its a terrible shame that they don`t have a sport to play.after much thought he rigs up a normal football with bells inside and offers his services to teach them soccer. after a strict training regime the blind football team get quite good and are very much in demand for celebrity football matches and charity events. the teams invited to the local fete to play against the local team-first half goes quite well and they hold the locals 0-0 at half time our lad the trainer nips into the beer tent for a quick one and soon gets caught up in company. shortly after the second half whistle blew-a boy comes tearing in and asks-hey mate,are you the trainer with the blind football team? yes,our lad replies-why? well the boy said you better get yourself out here quick as your teams kicking the s**t out of the morris dancers!
bend it,and if you can`t bend it,break it.

#131 Dirty Dan

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 10:15 PM

Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick." His boss says, "When I am sick I f-ck 8) my wife, try that." Two hours later the Chinese man rings back. "Me better, you got nice house!"

#132 Dirty Dan

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Posted 02 November 2008 - 10:22 PM

A woman stands in a crowded elevator at the hotel she is staying. A handsome man walks into the elevator and accidentally elbows her breast. Apologetically, the man says “I’m terribly sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113.”

8)