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Joke Of The Week, Week 3.....


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#61 Dirty Dan

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Posted 30 October 2008 - 05:22 PM

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

#62 3762dazzer

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Posted 30 October 2008 - 05:39 PM

One night a man barges into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands in front of his wife.

"This is the pig I screw when you claim you have a headache," he says.

The wife looks at him, half shocked and half confused, and replies, "That's a sheep under your arm."

"I wasn't talking to you." ;) :D

#63 Dirty Dan

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Posted 30 October 2008 - 10:23 PM

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

#64 Dirty Dan

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Posted 30 October 2008 - 10:26 PM

A Female muslim terorist was found dead on her bathroom floor yesterday..........

.......Police believe she mixed up her anthrax with tampax and blew the wrong C_NT UP!!

#65 quiet waters

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Posted 30 October 2008 - 11:17 PM

my wife has started looking at this site, i've never been so glad that i don't know any jokes, three weeks and i haven't come up with a single one, only trouble is i'm not allowed out to play with any of you, she said your a bad influence and i've been found guilty by association. good job the jokes are worth it, stick them in a book and you'd make thousands,
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#66 Dirty Dan

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Posted 30 October 2008 - 11:31 PM

The Talented Octopus
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He will bet £50 on it.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his £50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

"Ha!", the man says, "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to have sex with it as soon as I get these pajamas off!"

#67 Dirty Dan

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Posted 30 October 2008 - 11:34 PM

13 Things PMS Stands For
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Potential Murder Suspect

#68 Dirty Dan

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Posted 30 October 2008 - 11:43 PM

Cigarettes and Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points him to the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a Packet of cigarettes, and she came back with a packet of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she". 8)

#69 johntar tt10

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:02 AM

Guy walks into crowded bar with his pet aligator............

shouts "I WILL PUT MY PENIS AND DANGLY BITS INTO MY ALIGATORS MOUTH, THE ALIGATOR WILL CLOSE ITS MOUTH FOR ONE MINUTE THEN HE WILL OPEN HIS MOUTH AND I WILL RETRIEVE MY MANHOOD UNSCATHED"..........

He continues "In return for witnessing this spectacle each and everyone in this bar will buy me a drink"...........

Everyone agrees, so guy opens the aligators mouth inserts his penis and dangly bits, after one minute exactly he hits the aligator on the head with a beer bottle, aligator opens its mouth and guy takes his tackle out unscathed...........

Crowd cheers and claps loudly...............

Everyone buys him a drink so he says "I will give anyone £1000 who gives it a try"......

Crowd falls silent..........

Blonde babe pipes up " I will give it a try if you promise not to hit my head so feckin hard with the beer bottle"

#70 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:05 AM

How to hypnotise us of the weaker sex
http://vili.us/hypno.html
Hope you enjoy it Rikki
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#71 3762dazzer

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:07 AM

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vets. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked: "What are you in here for, mate?"
The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat, now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I s h i t all over their rug and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you here for?" they asked. "Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming, she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too, huh?" "No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped." 8)

#72 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:08 AM

http://www.theregist.../23/sickie_woo/
HOW NOT TO GET SICK LEAVE
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#73 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:09 AM

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I justOrdered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says.
'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child andToday my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.




The woman smiled and said What a Coincidence
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#74 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:10 AM

Lady goes into police station and claims
to have been raped by two council workers

When asked how she knew they were council workers

She said because i did all the f*cking wor
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#75 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:11 AM

1) I'll swallow it all... I love the taste
2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4) Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?
5) That fart was great! Do another one!
6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
7) You're so sexy with a hangover.
8) I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
9) Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
10) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
11) Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?
12) I really like football, can you take me to a game.
13) You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.
14) Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.
15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
16) I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.
17) We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
18) Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.
19) I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
20) Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#76 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:12 AM

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman were talking about their love making. The Scotsman said once he finished with his wife she would levitate two inches above the bed in sheer ecstasy. The Englishman then boasted that his wife would levitate anything up to twelve inches. The Irishman started laughing and said the last time banged his wife he then wiped his dick on the curtain and she hit the fu#kin roof.
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#77 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:15 AM

I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.
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#78 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:15 AM

A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means.
His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time."
The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he`s too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie`s" (The whorehouse) to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time.
She`s a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he`s been.
"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.
"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"
"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last one."
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Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#79 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:16 AM

I tried ringing the premature ejaculation advice line last night.







I got as far as 0845 7 8)
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#80 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:16 AM

Old Timer Sex


This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#81 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:17 AM

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman in a playground


Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?
A. A golf club.

Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs all taste like shit!

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#82 quiet waters

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:25 AM

i got the punchline to the old couple joke far too early, didn't make it any less funny, and i'm ashamed at how much i laughed at the wee girl in hospital joke

ach fergetit i don't know why i even bother, i did manage to get it to go round in circles, so i might go back for another look, you'll know where to find me if i don't post again before next wednesday!!!!

want  to see a real joke? stick on louie thoroux, mental yanks getting plastic surgery, fer feck sake!!! freakshow, one guy called steve wot a w anker, he even has bicep inplants.

more importantlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly why is the "L" on my keyboard worn off and none of the other lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllletters seem affected?
oh wee bit of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA worn too, i'm naw even fae leith?
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#83 johntar tt10

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:46 AM

Guy gets onto aircraft at Heathrow........

Sits down when this absolute vision of lovliness, legs that go on forever and beautiful bosom boards and walks down the aisle...........

"Please god let her sit next to me" he prays........... with that the voluptuous girl leans over, the smell of her perfume sublime......
and says " Excuse me I believe I have the window seat next to you, would you mind letting me by"

They sat down, her cleavage was to die for and the perfume scent sent him into orbit.......

Plane takes off for the Big Apple he starts a conversation with his fellow traveller.......

"Business or pleasure" he asks.......

"Business" she answers "I am attending the World Nymphomaniacs Conference in New York as a Delegate"..........

"That must very interesting" he says.........

"Oh yes very sensual" she tells him " I am giving a talk on the myths of male sexuality" crossing her nylon encased legs.......

"Can you give me an example" he asks...........

"Well the Afro-American man is said to very well endowed, but the Native American Indian beats him hands down in that department".......
She continues....."Secondly the Italian man is said to be the best and most sensual lover, but in fact it is the Greek male who is the best in that department"......

"Wow that is very interesting, anything else that is a myth" he asks.............

"Probably the third myth that the German male is the most virile and can keep making love longer than average, in fact it is the Irish male who is by far superior in those departments"..........

Suddenly she looks in his eyes and says "Here am I telling a complete stranger this"......................

"I do apologise" he says "let me introduce myself, my name is Whiteclould Papadopolus O'Neil, but you can call me Paddy" !

#84 quiet waters

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 01:11 AM

i surrender, i just got the "you've been looking at that site for the last eight hours!!!" as usual she is wrong, its eight hours and ten minutes, i'm away to watch james bond, hate him but its the halle berry one so i'll suffer it.
And their teeth will be blunted like lions and they will be cast away on whirlwinds and such!!!!

#85 Adoration II

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 05:01 AM

pmsl lol
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr

Sure its a grand oul team ti play for

#86 Hooked

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 10:29 AM

I hear Ross & Brand have been placed on the Sachs offenders register  ;D

#87 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:54 PM

I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected.
One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?".
Apparently "my c**k" is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "you've all got one
minute to get out!"
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "You b@#$%&*!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are women like clouds? Eventually they disappear and its a really
nice day.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat
Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bi tch."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I
am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate "My mother-in-law is an
angel".
His dude replies "You're so f**cking lucky... Mine is still alive..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says;F@#$% off, you won't bring it back.
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#88 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:54 PM

i just got home from work to this note left by my wife.........

" I've left you because
you are a fat lazy Git,
your breath stinks,
you have a small willy,
and you are pathetic in bed.
I've gone off with Derek from over the road
I've left you a casserole in the oven ! "

That is well out of order,

I had casserole on monday
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#89 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:55 PM

Doctors have just identified a food substance
that can cause grief and suffering
for years after its been eaten.









Its been named as wedding cake
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.

#90 wbeedie

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Posted 31 October 2008 - 12:57 PM

A Rikki moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

Rikki smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. Rikki broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment,...... I hear someone coming, He followed her into her
apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to
fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my
best feature? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to
be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me!
Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but it doesn't. It revolves around the Sun which shines out of my arse.