131 replies to this topic

[3762dazzer]

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?"

"Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?"

"Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[3762dazzer]

I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

[restlesswave]

re ;dazzers pmt/cjd one-as it`s told here-what`s the difference between pmt and mad cow disease?-nothing!

[3762dazzer]

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Young Knoxy]

A Sunday school teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now she was starting to smile.

'Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again they all answered 'No!'

She was just bursting with pride for them.

Well she continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?

A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, 'YUV GOTTAE BE F#CKN' DEAD YA MUPPET'

[Young Knoxy]

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5,

but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennants Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminum re-cycling plant, you would get £214.



So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

[young ronnie]

A cannibal was starving hungry at supper time and as there was nothing left in the house to eat  he ate his two kids. In the middle of the night he's hanging over the toilet bowl spewing his ringer up and his wife says to him...that's some way to bring up a family

[restlesswave]

two cannibals having dinner-one`s clearly a bit down so his mate asks -why the long face?- i don`t like my mother in law-well his mate says-push her to the side of the plate an eat your veg..............

[3762dazzer]

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, you don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.�

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

[3762dazzer]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

[wbeedie]

LOGIC



Two Aberdonians, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Fermers bar, drinking beer. Tam turns to Shuie and says, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through

life withoot an education. The morn, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: maths, english, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's 'at?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"

"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden."

"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I do have a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I huv a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Aye, I dae huv a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a strimmer." Excited to take the class now,Tam shakes the Lecturer's hand, and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.

He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for maths, English, history and logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's 'at?"

Tam says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"

"No."

"Then you're a poof."

[3762dazzer]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my JT one time.'

'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on it..........fifty times'

[restlesswave]

the gay transvestite who wanted to eat,drink and be mary.........

[sam]

Two cannibals are in the gents, one of them taking a shit. The other cannibal hears sobbing coming from the stall. Wondering what's wrong, he asks "Particularly painful that one mate?"
The other cannibal replies "It's not that, I've just dumped me girlfriend."

[sam]

Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter are on a plane together. The plane breaks down and starts hurtling towards earth.
Jackson says to Glitter "There are only two parachutes, come on lets jump to safety"
"What about the kids?" Glitter replies.
"feck the kids" says Jackson.
"Do you think we have time?" responds Glitter.

[Dirty Dan]

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced " Please prepare for a crash landing ". The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first.

The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her skirt and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first ?

[young ronnie]

Two heroin addicts who mistakenly injected themselves with curry powder are in the intensive care ward of our local hospital. One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

[quiet waters]

and the prize goes to willie beedie for the two aberdonians joke, much as i liked the "got any bread?" joke, willie's had me in a knot, only problem is, yes i do have a strimmer but i get my next door neighbour to do all my strimming for me? i bypassed all the logical steps as i do know i have a garden, and a house, a family and a wife, i'm pretty sure i'm hetrosexual too, so using all the logic at my disposal i jumped straight to the last step, i have a strimmer, i get someone else, in this case a woman to do my strimming for me, so logically that means i am a man!!!!

[young ronnie]

Guy goes into his mate's house and sees his dog lying on the rug licking its balls. I wish I was able to do that he says.  Nae problem there says his mate,just give him a Biscuit and he'll let you.

[johntar tt10]

Widow goes to Doctor to ask about the human reproductive process as she is getting married again...........
"You've been married three times, surely you know about sex" says doctor....
" never had it" she said
"1st husband was a Gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it..
2nd was a Psychiatrist and all he wanted was to talk about it..
3rd husband was an Explorer and he was never at home" she tells doctor

"So what do you want to know now?" asks doctor.......
"Well I am getting married to a Banker so I am bound to get screwed somehow so..................!!

[johntar tt10]

Another Banker one

Guy in a car comes on the biggest ever traffic jam.........
Sees a young boy coming down the queue on a bike........
asks the boy "bad accident?"
"No a banker has covered himself in petrol and is lying in middle of road threatening suicide because of Credit Crunch" he tells man....
"They trying to talk him out of it" asks Man.....
"No they are taking a collection" replies boy.....

"Gezzus a frigging collection, how much have they got so far then?" asks man..........
"30 boxes matches, 10 lighters and 2 boxes firelighters" says boy

[3762dazzer]

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop is charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.

"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.

The husband is sceptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing her husband won't bother her that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.

Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're packing!"

[3762dazzer]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first and second blokes met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third bloke coming back with pineapples."

[restlesswave]

boys out playing golf one day at gleneagles. he hits the ball in through a bush and then goes in to look-in the middle of the bush is a witch stirring a cauldron. whaddya want? says the witch. im only looking for my ball-replies the golfer. well yer no that good if yer puttin the ball in through hedges all the time-but i could help if your interested. well replies the lad of course i`m interested-what do you want me to do? nothing replies the witch but with everything in life there is consequences-your sex life will go down the tubes. i don`t care says the golfer i want to improve my game.
  so a couple of years pass and our boy is back at gleneagles again,spies the same bush,cant resist a look and drives a ball in to it as an excuse to look. so there`s the witch still stirring her cauldron-oh she says it`s you again-hows yer game? never better replies the golfer turned pro a month ago and haven`t lost a round yet . well asks the witch-how`s yer sex life? pretty good replies the golfer. astonished the witch says-whaddya call pretty good?-how many women have you had in the past two years? 7 replies the golfer. well replies the witch- for a 25 year old single man i would say that`s pathetic over 2 years. a bit bemused the golfer replies- jeez i thought 7 was pretty good for a catholic priest in a little rural parish......

[young ronnie]

A WPC and a dog handler were out on patrol one bitterly cold Winter day and the WPC told her oppo that she was freezing cold as she had no knickers on,they were back at the police station."Nae problem" says the dog handler "I'll soon get them for you". He lifts the WPC's skirt and shoves the dog's nose up to her minge. After the dog's had a good sniff he un-clips its lead and says "fetch boy,fetch". The big Alsation takes off down the street at a rate of knotts and comes back quarter of an hour later with the Inspector's fingers in its mouth.

[Adoration II]

monday tuesday happy days wedensday thursday jammys day

[3762dazzer]

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song... when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The judge instantly responded... "God. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke me nose and knocked three of me teeth out!"

[3762dazzer]

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts." :

[young ronnie]

Mummy,mummy can I lick the bowl ?....no you can't, just pull the chain like any normal child

[Dirty Dan]

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your fuckin horse phoned."