131 replies to this topic

[Barry McCrindle]

and so another week begins.........

[young ronnie]

A joke of sorts... The wife was sitting on the sofa reading the paper after her tea to-night and was complaining of hellish heartburn. "this is like the kind of heartburn I used to get when I was pregnant" she says. Smart arse me comments "ach ye never know you just might be again"....she never even looked up fae the paper, just said "I wonder whose it is"  ouch ya beauty one nil to her  lol

[tommy]

response to knoxys version of three bearsi                                                                                                                                                                                                    'll have to change my story to the grandbairns noo.thought i was telling em the reel stuff for years.learrn something new every day

[tommy]

  Guy says to wife.what would you do if i won the lottery? Wife says.i'd take half and leave you.   Guy says.excellent! i won a tenner! here's a fiver.........now f-ck off!                                                     

[tommy]

  2 gays Rupert and Cecil r lying in bed together when rupert starts rubbing vaseline onto his chest. Cecil said.What r u doing?  Rupert said,i read in a gay mag that vaseline stimulates hair growth and i want a hairy chest! CECIL SAID,dON'T BE SO F-CKING STUPID,IF THAT WAS THE CASE I WOULD HAVE A PONY TAIL GROWING OUT MY A-SE

[sam]

A bloke phones in sick to work. His concerned boss asks "That's the twelfth day this month you've had off, just how sick are you?"
The bloke replies "Well, I'm in bed with my ten year old sister now, should I ask her?"

[johntar tt10]

Husband and wife lying in bed, hubby lets of rackzer of fart.........
"1-0" he says to wife....
Not be out done she manages to let one off..........
"1-1" she says to him........
He lets off another "2-1" he tells her.........
She tries and tries and finally the inevitably happens and she s hits herself.....
Unaware of this mishap, Hubby asks "that the end of the game deary?"
"No wway" she says "Halftime, change sides"..........

[Dirty Dan]

I be a farmer, my name be Bob, I'm widely renowned for the size o me knob, too big for the wife, it just makes her weep, but its jus the right size for me cows n me sheep.

[Dirty Dan]

An old man got on a crowded bus and no one gave up their seat for him. As the bus shook, the old mans walking stick slipped on the floor and he fell. As he got up to his feet, a nine year old boy sitting nearby said, "Hey, mister, if you put a little rubber thing on the end of your stick, it wouldnt slip",
The old man replied, "Well sonny, if your daddy had done the same thing nine years ago, I'd have a bloody seat TODAY!!"

[Dirty Dan]

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of womens deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

[3762dazzer]

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

[3762dazzer]

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays and Thursdays".

[3762dazzer]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the f***ing kids!!" :

[homeward bound]

WENT TO THE KNIGHTS OF SAINT COLUMBA, FELLA AT THE DOOR SAID "I DONT RECOGNISE YOU WHAT KNIGHTS ARE YOU IN ? "            TUESDAY AND  FRIDAY  USUALLY !!!!

[quiet waters]

you might have noticed this is the only thread that i don't contribute to, i know when i can't compete, never having been a joke teller i'm strictly highland league compared to these boys, i don't know where you get the material from but it wid make lovely curtains, far better than any of those erses you see on the likes of mock the week, with the exception of the master frankie boyle, you'd have bernard manning spinning in his grave, if the fat b astard could move that is, if your as good at your job as you are at telling jokes then you are all rich men, except john tar who spent all his money on grecian 2000 so i'm told, naw fair, i'm as guilty if not more so of posting old pics of myself in what laughingly passed for my prime. i take that back, its ronnie that spent all his money on grecian 2000, god knows it never went on his wardrobe!!!!
keep up the good work, a quick flick thru this bit every day has me laughing out loud, then having to say "nothing" when asked what i'm laughing at, the wife has a low enough opinion of me as it is without making matters worse by repeating some of the stuff on here, worst of all i don't know a single person i can repeat them to, i need to get out more, onlty after reading the latest installments of course, brightens up the darkest day, keep it up!!!

[3762dazzer]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "Are you deaf?! We haven't got any f***ing bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar you irritating f***ing duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread? :

[3762dazzer]

A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."

"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"

[3762dazzer]

Two blokes are chatting in the pub, complaining about their wives. "My wife is really stupid," says the first bloke. "Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive."

"That's nothing," says the second bloke. "Last week I found a packet of condoms in my wife's purse, and she doesn't even have a a John Thomas!"

[Hooked]

QW,

Your contributions quite often are better than some of the jokes on here "It's the way you tell 'em" as Frank Carson would say.  Always an interesting read (even if i do have to read some of them 2-3 times before translating the "Speak English Please") lol.................and no, before anyone else gets there 1st, i'm not after your starfish, prefer the bearded clam me-self 

[Young Knoxy]

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
>
>
> I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
>
> A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
> On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
>
> I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
>
> Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[3762dazzer]

Whats the difference between PMT and CJD

One attacks the cows brain and sends it f***ing mental and the other is an agricultural problem !!!!!!

[Hooked]

One for Dazzer 

A man walks into a Bar......................






OUCH!

[3762dazzer]

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.  : :

[Hooked]

The fight we had last night was my fault as usual....

The wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.  :

[johntar tt10]

Man goes to doctor and tells doctor he wants a larger penis....
Doctor tells him its not possible on NHS, but he can do privately for £1,000
Only thing it will need to be a new born elephants trunk that will be transplanted as larger penis' are hard to come by.

2 weeks later after operation doctor tells him everything in working order.
So guy goes out with this bird he fancies for bit of rumpy pumpy.

Takes her to nice restaraunt for din-dins........
Order soup for starters, girl plays footsie with his leg........
He feels stirring down there....
Suddenly the trunk pops out of his trousers....
Grabs the bun of his side plate and disappears back into his trousers.....

"Good god almighty can you do that again" says the stunned girl......
"Probably" says guy "but my ass won't take another bun!!!!"

[Hooked]

That reminds me John, i must get the bicycle clips oot the loft, i'm cycling into work tomorrow 

[wbeedie]

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!  Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

I'm really p*ssed off! Someone’s just crashed into my car in one of them new Skodas. There’s f.......g jam and sponge everywhere!

Bastards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on . .My face

I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me pass the parcel was fast!

I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall . It’s the first thing in ages that’s tried to get in this country that’s f*cking white !!

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm sunday?

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'

THE BBC HAVE SAID THAT BLACK AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON TV SO THEY'RE PUTTING CRIMEWATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.

Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*stard was corgi registered

Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser.

[Hooked]

The wife came home in tears tonight telling me she had just lost her job......................

After she had cooked the tea, washed up & put the kids to bed, i cracked open a can, flicked the telly on, read the paper, led on the sofa, put my arms behind my head and said...................

"Don't worry love, I've found you another one, suck this!" 


[move]Don't try this at home![/move]

[quiet waters]

all very funny, but you do realise you've just made DT look like the sanest man on the internet? what have trawlerphotos and jogging along a nudist beach got in common? sooner or later you'll run into a big fat c, ach finish it yersel!!!

[young ronnie]

A termite goes in to a pub and asks.....is the bartender here ?