31 replies to this topic

[Jammy]

come on guys only 8 replies last week you's are starting to slip

[Barry McCrindle]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a
man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did
a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,

"Fair's fair.  Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm
news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

[wbeedie]

Celtic have just bought a new themepark called didnyland. They didnyland the cup & they didnyland the league & last & the best, the helicopter certainly didnyland at parkhead!!!!

[wbeedie]

These classifieds were really put in the paper
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog..

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer - £100

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
[
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month.. Wife knows everything

[wbeedie]

Marys lamb had foot and mouth
Her cow had B.S.E.
But Mary was a kinky slut
And gave them H.I.V

[wbeedie]

The cremated husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she started talking to him.
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said. 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well,
I also bought it with the insurance money!' Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes then said.
'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fngers in the ashes, she said. 'Herman, remember that blow-job I promised you?' 'Here it comes....'

[wbeedie]

Last night i had the worse dream of my life so bad i woke up screaming i dreamt i had a boil on the end of my cock,it was no ordinary boil it was Susan Boyle :whistle: :whistle:

[wbeedie]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
Asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.

[wbeedie]

Date-Rape-Drug

be sure to watch the video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called BEER

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses'in the phone book. For a video to see how Beer works click here:

Beer Demo

[wbeedie]

'got any K Y jelly? A man asks in his local chemist.

'sorry no, the assistant says, have you tried boots?

'BOOTS? he sneers

i want to slide it in, no march it in!

[wbeedie]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.


'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.


'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'


RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'


Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR


Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.


All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.


He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'


The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.


The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'


Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'


Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'


'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.


After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'


Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'


The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'


Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[wbeedie]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy
rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this
was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture
of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be
financially secure for life".

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots
of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.


The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "How much did it cost
you?"

"Two million dollars" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!!!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you
coming"

[wbeedie]

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!"

[wbeedie]

Renewing your gym membership?
Shamelessly purloined and then pasted from elsewhere


Quote:
Apparently David Thorne is the same guy who tried to pay a bill with a picture of a spider (has been around in email, so you may have seen it).


From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal


Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters




From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thank you for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff




From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes, except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.




From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f*ck yourself.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way fire-fighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

[michaelb]

Renault and Ford are working together on a small car.
they are combining the Ford Taurus and Renault Clio and will be called the Clitaurus.
The car is only available in pink but has a black dash!.

[wbeedie]

NEW EU Rules on the English Language
with apologies to our Europeans Colleagues....or not?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as Replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[wbeedie]

"WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

A point of view......

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eye and without hesitation said..."Land Mines".

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A DARN SMART WOMAN."

[markh]

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married



but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.



In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?


His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think !

Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?


His mom replies - Never mind what you think !

Eat your lunch and go back to school ...

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mom says - No.


He asks - Do you know what I think ?


His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul was in the bathroom looking for a tube of

KY Jelly and I think..




I gave him my superglue.

[markh]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii' so I can ride
over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a
woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[fincutter]

Old Harold is In The Hospital....

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. 



There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.  Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he  was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of  voice, 'And how are we doing this morning', or 'Are we  ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'



Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One  day, at breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the  tray and put it in his bed side stand.

Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.  So you know where the juice went!



The nurse came in a  little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My,  it seems we are a little cloudy today '



At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand,  popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run  it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'



The nurse fainted!



Old Harold just smiled!

[fincutter]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache

[fincutter]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to
see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you ... you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[fincutter]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business...
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one after noon.



She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..




Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ..... walked home . . .and left it there all night!!!

[fincutter]

> > WIFE:
> > What
> > would you do if I died? Would you
> > get married
> > again?
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > Definitely
> > not!
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> > Why
> > not - don't you like being
> > married?
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > Of
> > course I do.
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> > Then
> > why wouldn't you
> > remarry?
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > Okay,
> > I'd get married
> > again.
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> > You
> > would? (With a hurtful look on
> > her face).
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > (Makes
> > audible
> > groan).
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> > Would
> > you live in our house?
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > Sure,
> > it's a great
> > house.
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> > Would
> > you sleep with her in our
> > bed?
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > Where
> > else would we
> > sleep?
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> > Would
> > you let her drive my
> > car?
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > Probably,
> > it is almost
> > new.
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> > Would
> > you replace my pictures with
> > hers?
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > That
> > would seem like the proper thing
> > to
> > do.
> >
> > WIFE:
> >
> > Would
> > she use my golf clubs?
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> >
> > No,
> > she's
> > left-handed.
> >
> > WIFE:
> > -
> > silence - -
> >
> > HUSBAND:
> > F*ck ....

[fincutter]

THIS IS A BLOODY CRACKER!
AND IT'S TRUE! 

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[fincutter]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.  One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah well,  we were married for 35 years."

[fincutter]

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-



Artery
The study of paintings

Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria

Barium
What doctors do when patients die

Benign
What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section
A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan
Searching for Kitty

Cauterize
Made eye contact with her

Colic
A sheep dog

Coma
A punctuation mark

Dilate
To live long

Enema
Not a friend

Fester
Quicker than someone else

Fibula
A small lie

Impotent
Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain
Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane

Morbid
A higher offer

Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates

Node
I knew it

Outpatient
A person who has fainted

Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative
A letter carrier

Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery

Rectum
Nearly killed him< /div>

Secretion
Hiding something

Seizure
Roman emperor

Tablet
A small table

Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport

Tumour
One plus one more

Urine
Opposite of you're out

2xCondoms
To be sure, to be sure

[fincutter]

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Newfie walks into a Newfoundland library and says to the librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, I wants a book on suicide.

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, 'Fuck off, you wont bring it back!'

[fincutter]

This was publicised recently by Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests complaints during the season. " Some people should not be allowed to go on holiday!!!!!"
 

- Extracted from a survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA (Association of British Travel Agents) -   



"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or gin ger nuts."   
 
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."   
 
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."   
 
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."   
 
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
 
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.   
 
"The beach was too sandy."   
 
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."   
 



A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.   
 
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."   
 
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."   
 
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
 
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."   
 
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."   
 
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"   
 
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."   

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."   
 
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."   
 
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."   
 
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[fincutter]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.  Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?'