23 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Fa is gan ti kick it aff ess wik

[michaelb]

         The big bad wolf said
      "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down"
      The little pig said
      "Feck off or I'll sneeze on you!".

[michaelb]

Teacher says to Tom"why wern't you at school yesterday?'.
Tommy said"My grandad got burnt".
"Badly?"asks the teacher
Tommy said "yes they dont f*ck about at the crematorium"

[michaelb]

The 'Erectus Trouserius'or the trouser snake is the worlds most dangerous snake.
Colour varies from pink to black.It's fangless,average length 6/8 inches (although some are said to reach 10 inches depending on the honesty of its owner.)
It appears usually around the bedrooms,attacking women in the mouth or abdominal area,
its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months!.
Some mutant species are also known to attack men from behind.

[fincutter]

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom.



The reception says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"





Daffy replies.....



"Don't be thucking thupid. I'd thufficate."

[michaelb]

When Jane was getting 2 know Tarzan she asked him about his sexual history.
   "Tarzan only have sex with hole in tree"he said.
   "Oh tarzan u have it all wrong I'll show you the proper way"
So Jane takes off her clothes,lies on the ground and says....
    "You got to stick it in here"
Tarzan looked puzzledfor a moment,then gave Jane a mighty kick in the f@nny.
Screaming Jane said"What the feck did you do that for?".
    "Tarzan Check for bees first".
 

[Barry McCrindle]

The worlds worst computer virus detected, even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. 
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960. 

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to   send the same e-mail twice. 

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! 

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 

4. Causes you to   send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.           

6. Causes you to   hit 'SEND' before you've finished.

7. Causes you to   hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.'

8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.' 

IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.' 

[Barry McCrindle]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long & hard & then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, & then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment, then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him, saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box. And according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[Barry McCrindle]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

[Barry McCrindle]

How to spot a gay terrorist

[Barry McCrindle]

   Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
    Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
    He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost
    certain to follow.
    'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
    'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up..
    This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
    He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'
    He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
    One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on
    his jog.
    As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
    Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would
    wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
    He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
    As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
    became even more apprehensive than usual.
    Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's
    eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

    Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:


    'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

[fincutter]

Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Aw naw!" shouts Sister Senga. "Whit are we gonnae dae?"

"Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination" says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windae washirs. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican !" says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?" shouts Sister Senga.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.

"Aye, that's whit tae dae." says Sister Senga. She opens the window and shouts.......

"Get tae f-ck aff the f-ckin' car ya wee vampire bastard!!!!"

[michaelb]

Two Irishmen on a camping holiday in Florida camping in the everglades.
They see a alligator under a tree with a mans head and arms sticking out of its mouth.
Paddy turns to Mick and says
    "Bejasus would you look at that flash ba$tard in the Lacoste sleeping bag!". 

[Ruri-UL145]

☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

[fincutter]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....


2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
 


2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

 


2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.

It gets worse........




Next year......





2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[fincutter]

Hot and Cold Sex
            After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and
chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually
hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to
be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then
said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is
usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then
hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is
usually in January, and the second time is in August.

[fincutter]

Joan and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Joan pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over
her cigarette and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Joan: A condom - this way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Joan: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, slightly embarrassed, looks at Arlene kindly (she is, after all,
over 80 years of age) and very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

[fincutter]

The Pastor's Ass

 
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.   
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered   
in another race and it won again. 

The local paper read:   

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT. 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered 
the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. 

The next day the local paper headline read:   

BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor 
to get rid of the donkey.   
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.   
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:   

NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN. 

The Bishop fainted.   

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey 
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.   

The next day the headlines read:   
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back 
the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.   

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS   
IS WILD AND FREE. 

Alas the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY???     

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.   

So, be yourself and enjoy life.     

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.

[fincutter]

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in any capital city has recently revealed the true story.



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

[fincutter]

Once upon a time there lived
a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this
reason.  He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he
try to touch them,
but he had to try.


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the  Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could
arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000
gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching  powder
and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after
she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned
to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King
and
Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this
type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of
the
kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the
itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to
their  chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the
itching  powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was
hailed
by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1000 gold
coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less
knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a
laugh
told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the
King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . .

The moral of the story - Pay your f***in' bills.

[fincutter]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling   
you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu. Ignore it ... 
                                                               
                                                               
                                                               
It's just spam.  :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:

[fincutter]

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal .. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentle-men, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!'

[fincutter]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're
white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there!  From what little I can
remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

[fincutter]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.






Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.