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[fincutter]

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling.

When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed her passionately while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline flushed, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, " Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?"

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday, Saturday & Sunday, I play golf.'

[fincutter]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few
days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is
on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's
called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds.

And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

[fincutter]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.   

[fincutter]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
  gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all

  the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
  She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
  more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
  breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
  important.


  They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her
immensely.

  At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
  pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
  'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the
  bank
  the next day to open a savings=account.
  At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
  girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she
  had
  a 'pay packet'.
  'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
  The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
  Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

  'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the
  house again next week?'



  'I think so. Provided those Wankers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking
  bricks.'
 

[fincutter]

DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date : You get to have sex, but only in the missionary
position.


IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and
meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a
3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the
thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing
happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing
happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already
realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila,
and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his
girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her
grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your
life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the
Rio Grande.





The POINT ?



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN? 

 

[michaelb]

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[michaelb]

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[michaelb]

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[fincutter]

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:  'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!

[fincutter]

Blond Handywoman
>
> A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
> herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing the
> neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house
> and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
>
> "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he
> said. "How much will you charge me?"
>
> The blond quickly responded, "How about $50?"
>
> The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything
> she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing
> the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize
> that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
>
> He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
>
> The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to
> believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by
> e-mail lately."
>
> A short time later, the blond handywoman came to the door to
> collect her money.
>
> "You finished already?" the husband asked.
>
> "Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I
> gave it two coats - no extra charge."
>
> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
> handed it to her.
>
> "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porsche -- it's
> a Lexus."
>
:whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[fincutter]

>  Word for the day.
>  LIQUIDITY
>
>
>  Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!

[michaelb]

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[michaelb]

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[wbeedie]

This fit young lady is about to have a small operation.
She's laid on a trolley by a lady in a white dress and brought out to the corridor.

Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A bloke wearing a white coat walks up and whips the sheet away and starts examining her fit naked body.
He walks away and talks to another bloke in a white coat.
The second man comes over and does the same examinations and prods about a bit.

When a third man starts examining her body even more closely,

she gets impatient and shouts out:
" All these examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The first bloke in the white coat shrugs and says:

"Fook knows. We're just painting the corridor."

[fincutter]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece .


He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .


He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a Glasgow girl.




He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.


God Bless Glasgow Women

[fincutter]

> Collard Green Garden
>
> An old black man lived alone in the country.  He wanted to dig his yearly

>
> collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because
>
> the ground was hard.  His only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help
>
> him, was in prison.
>
> The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
> Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,
> I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't  be able to plant my

collard green garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot.  If you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig
the plot for me.
> Love,
>
Dad.
>
> A few days later he received a letter from his son.
> Dear Daddy Jankins,
> Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden.  That's where I buried the BODIES
> Love,
> Junebugg Jankins III.
>
> At 4 am, the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and
left.
>
> That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
> Dear Daddy Jankins,
> You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now.  That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
> Love,
> Junebugg III
> 
> 
>