70 replies to this topic

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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were
excessively mischievous. They were always
getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved..
The boys' mother heard that a preacher
in town had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see
them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first,
in the morning, with the older boy to see
the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
'Do you know where God is, son?'
The boy's mouth dropped open , but he
made no response, sitting there wide-eyed
with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated
the question in an even sterner tone,
'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the
room, ran directly home and dived into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,
'We are in BIG trouble this time,'



'GOD is missing, and the old bastard thinks we did it!'

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Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'



The boss  says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really  need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my  wife and tell her to give me Sxx. That Makes everything  better and I go to work.. You try that.'



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........You got nice house'

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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w*nking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up, Abdul? Won't it f*ckin' start

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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now f*ck off you c4nt!"

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[michaelb]

May the Men of England fill your Anglo Saxon Heart with joy.
      Happy ST. Georges Day.
     

This message is not available in Punjab,Urdu,Hindi,Polish,Russian,German,French,
  or any other immigrant language.
     God Save The Queen.

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A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.   "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her
virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a
flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

 

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
> The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the  appropriate point in  the    process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.



Something he will use to log on.



The husband  was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.



So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:


P...E...N...I...S


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
 



**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

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Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.