70 replies to this topic

[fincutter]

> THE BROTHEL
> The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a
> rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
> forties or early fifties.
>
>
> "May I help you sir?" she asked.
>
>
>  "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
> "Sir, Valerie is one of our mo st expensive ladies.
> Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
>
>  "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
>
>
> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
> charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled
> out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they
> went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left...
>
>
> The next night, the man appeared again, once mo re demanding
> to see Valerie... Valerie explained that no one had ever
> come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
> There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
>
>
> Again, the man pulled out the mo ney, gave it to Valerie,
> and they went upstairs... After an hour, he left.
>
>
> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
> was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
> night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
>
>
> After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one
> has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
> from?"
>
>
> The man replied, " Edinburgh ."
>
>
> "Really", she said. "I have family in
> Edinburgh .."
>
>
>
> "I know." the man said. "Your sister died,
> and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your
> £15,000 inheritance in person."
>
>
>
> The mo ral of the story is that three things in life are
> certain.
>
>
>  1.. Death
>
>
>
> 2. Taxes
>
>
>
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[michaelb]

3 newcastles in UK now,
   
   Newcastle upon Tyne

   
   Newcastle under Lyme



   
   Newcastle under Middlesborough,...

   Geordies  DONT rule after all,come on you MACKEMS.
   

[wbeedie]

show that man the door :whistle:

[fincutter]

One afternoon a wealthy
lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered
his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man 'Why
are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any
money for food,' the poor man replied.

'We have to eat
grass.'

'Well, then, you can
come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer
said.

'But sir, I have a wife
and two children with me.

They are over there,
under that tree'.

'Bring them along,' the
lawyer replied.

Turning to the other
poor man he stated,

'You come with us
also.'

The second man, in a
pitiful voice then said,

'But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as
well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
limousine was.

Once underway, one of
the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

'Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied,
'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost
1 foot high!'

[fincutter]

Why America's Economy fell off a cliff


John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.   
     While his coffeepot   
      (MADE IN CHINA) 
      was perking, he shaved with his   
      electric razor 
      (MADE IN HONG KONG) 
   He put on a   
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),

designer jeans   
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)   
and     
tennis shoes           
(MADE IN KOREA)         
After cooking his breakfast in his new         
electric skillet         
(MADE IN INDIA)   
      he sat down  with his         
calculator         
(MADE IN MEXICO)         
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his         
watch         
(MADE IN TAIWAN)           
to the  radio           
(MADE IN INDIA)           
he got in his car           
(MADE IN GERMANY)       
filled it with GAS         
(from Saudi Arabia)         
and continued his search             
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.         
At the end of yet another discouraging     
and  fruitless day         
checking his     
Computer       
(made in MALAYSIA),         
John decided to relax for a while.         
He put  on his  sandals         
(MADE IN BRAZIL),         
poured himself a glass of         
wine       
(MADE IN FRANCE)         
and turned on his       
TV           
(MADE IN INDONESIA),             
and then wondered why he can't         
find a good paying job         
in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN   KENYA

[theo laird]

Mince, is ground beef, mixed with veggies, flour & seasonings, water, to
make gravy, a traditional Scottish dish.

Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, (work
with me here!!) she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, they were staying at her mother's house, and she was
very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Mary, Tam's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be here making the mince for tomorrow's dinner.'

So, up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tam took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mum, Mum, Tam's got a big
hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Mary,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs.
He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tam took off his pants exposing his hairy
legs.

Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother.
'Mum, Mum, Tam took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs.
Tam's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again.
When she got there, Tam took off his socks, and on his left foot, he was
missing three toes.

When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mum, Mum, Tam's got a foot and a half!'


Mum says,   'Stay here lass and stir this mince.'

[wbeedie]

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying sh!t while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 sh!t, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of t!ts
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

[wbeedie]

Many men have nicknames for their dicks. Mine was given to me by a girlfriend while she gave me a blowjob. She named it the 'impaler' ....yep the impaler...At least that's what i thought she said? Turns out she's asthmatic. and its my fault she died.....

[wbeedie]

Paddy Is Sitting On A Train Across From A Hot Blonde In A Tiny Miniskirt,He Soon Realises She Is Knickerless."Are You Looking At My F...y?"Asks The Blonde"Yes Am So Sorry "Says Paddy"Thats Ok My F...y Is Very Talented Watch I Can Make It Blow A Kiss And Wink At You"Says The Blonde.Paddy Stares In Amazement As The F...y First Blows Him A Kiss And Then Winks."Come Sit Next To Me,Would You Like To Put Two Fingers In?"Says The Blonde"F**k Me"Replys Paddy"Can It Whistle As Well?"

[wbeedie]

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

[wbeedie]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I’m sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It’s probably best", said the Priest, "You’ve done fuck all but moan since you’ve been here."

[wbeedie]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a "drop off" (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are traveling on).
On your right is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you can not overtake it.
Behind you are two more galloping horses. Thes horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?














.
*   Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round   *

[wbeedie]

In a small town in the south of Ireland, there were two churches, as there always are in small towns in the south of Ireland, a small, modest Protestant church and a large, fancy Catholic church. On a certain Saturday, the Catholic priest came down with the flu and he called and asked the Protestant pastor to substitute for him at Mass on the following Sunday. The pastor told the priest that he would like to help, but he knew nothing of the Catholic faith or the rituals of the Mass. The Priest responded that there were several alter boys and priests in training who would help him through the rough spots, but he really needed the pastor, because a rousing sermon was the thing his congregation needed the most. Somewhat reluctantly, the pastor agreed.

The priest then asked him to do the confession after the Mass. At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the various penances straight. The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering all of the various penances, but he had written them all down in a small book, which he had hidden under the seat. If a person said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "this", "that" and "the other thing", he simply had to look them up and give the person his or her penances. Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.

On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well. The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation responded to his sermon very well. He had chosen "The 10 Commandments" because it always goes over well. With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his way into the confessional booth. The first person, a young woman, said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have sinned. I slept with the neighbour and his son and stole some money from their wallets. Sure enough, he found the sins and penances clearly written out in the priest’s neat handwriting.

It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people’s private lives. Up to the last person, that is. An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have had anal intercourse once again." The pastor looked up "anal intercourse" in the book. It wasn’t there! He fervently tried "sodomy", "butt fucking", "rectal sex" and everything else he could think of but none of them were in the book! He excused himself and ran into the priest’s small office and called him on the telephone. When the priest answered, he said: "Quick, tell me, what do you give for "anal sex"?

The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: "Well, it all depends. Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream cone. But usually not money."

[wbeedie]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old

If so...........................you’ll love this one:

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in thewaiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental school diploma,which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy, with the same name, had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crushI on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded anysuc h thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have beenmy classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Fairview High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a bulldog," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely....


Then, that ugly,







old,







bald,







wrinkled,







fat ass,







grey-haired,







decrepit







son-of-a-bitch asked,







"What did you teach "

[wbeedie]

SUBJECT: COMPLAINT TO EDINBURGH POLICE

Dear Sir / Madam / Automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past tweny minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouiji board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call then youths ?) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings thoughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions, are happily rummaging though several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it, I would even go as far as to lend them the matches. unforunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street and I’ve only just finished decorating my kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start befors coming to arrest me.


I remain sir, your obedient servant

Mr. ************

-------------------------------------------------------------------

REPLY:


Dear Mr. **********

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area, and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As community beat officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC *******
Community Beat Officer

-------------------------------------

Dear PC *******

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for the Leith police station and rest assured the I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI-5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crime taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time ) to these tw*ts that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere? The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at the docks are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should YOU wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ?. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Compass Pub Bar.

Regards

Mr. ********


P.S. If you think that this is sacrcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the cleansing department

[wbeedie]

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought, it comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. " I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"

After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think diarrhoea wins !"
"What the feck are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.

"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o’clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat myself !"

[wbeedie]

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn’t like the way he was being reared.

Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
Went around blowing fuses.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 goverment employees in one room?
100 people that don’t do dick!

Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

[wbeedie]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[wbeedie]

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor".

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"

[wbeedie]

   

After Michael Jackson’s wife had her baby, Michael asked her how long it would be before he could have sex.

She replied "For fuck sake , let the little bastard start walking first !!!!!"

[wbeedie]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What’s so funny Tony"
"Well Missr, I just saw one of your suspenders."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don’t want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What’s so funny John?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your suspenders."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don’t want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the chalk when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Nick leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

[wbeedie]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "My hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Wow, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DON’T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

[wbeedie]

On reaching his seat on the plane a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.

When the stewardess asks what they’d like the man requests a cup of coffee, and the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you lazy bitch."

The stewardess obviously flustered by the parrot’s outburst brings back the whisky but inadvertently forgets the man’s coffee.

As the man quietly points out the omission regarding his coffee to the stewardess the parrot gulps down his drink and shouts "And while you’re at it get me another whisky you useless slut."

Now quite visibly shaken the stewardess comes back with the whisky but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such forgetfulness the man decides the best approach is to be like the parrot. "Look " he says to the tortured airline hostess, "Look. I’ve asked twice for a cup of coffee you miserable bitch and if you don’t get it for me in a hurry I’m going to slap that ample arse and kick your ugly head.

The next thing they know two burly stewards wrench both the man and the parrot out of their seats and they are hurled out of the emergency exit. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says "for someone who can’t fly you sure are a lippy bastard."

[wbeedie]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes..."
"I’m not falling for this." says the man. "I’m not going to trust a person from the Inland Revenue"
"What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a gonner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what’s your second wish."
"My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

[fincutter]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.
>
>     He began his day with an 8 Lb walleye on the
>     first cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the third cast he had just
>     caught
>     his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
>
>     It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
>     accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
>
>     The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
>     there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
>     what was
>     shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.
>
>     He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
>     hospital
>     He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a
>     stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He was
>     jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
>
>
>     Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
>     corridor
>     and asked about his wife's condition.
>
>     The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your
>     fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
>     out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has
>     been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
>     because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever
>     take!'
>
>     'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
>     you'll be her care giver forever!'
>

>     The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
>
>     The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just f*ckin' with ya.
>     She's dead. What'd you catch?'

[fincutter]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out..


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

 

[wbeedie]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face......Priceless

[wbeedie]

Little Johnny runs into his mum in the kitchen one day
and says,
"Mummy, Mummy, Granny's got a prawn."

"What on earth are you talking about?"
she says.

He takes her to living room where Granny is asleep on the sofa stark naked.

He points to her protruding vagina
and says,
"There, Mummy, Granny's got a prawn."

"That's not a prawn, that's your Granny's clitoris,"
she says.

"Well,"
said Little Johnny,

"it tastes like a prawn."

[wbeedie]

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some stupid person wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who’d she play for?"

[wbeedie]

Man takes a deer home and cooks it.
Kids ask what it is.
He says it’s what mummy calls me sometimes.

Little girl shouts "Dont eat it, its a fucking arsehole"