40 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every oth er week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can’t be turned off.

Recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
__________________

[wbeedie]

An Australian , an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle....'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.'

[wbeedie]

Police cordoned off Portree  this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

[wbeedie]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is 200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

[fincutter]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

[fincutter]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


      *     *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


       *     *     *     *     *      *    *     *     *     *     *


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


          *           *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


        *     *     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *       *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Cable guy wants to buy Mum .' 


 

[fincutter]

In a  Chicago  hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. 

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." 

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters:  WW  ,  WA  , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. 

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. 

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. 

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. 

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button. 

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[fincutter]

BRITISH SURVEY
 
 
A recent survey in the United Kingdom 
asked the following question:
 
 
Are there too many foreigners in this country now?
 
 
Answer:
 
  18% said: YES
 
 
82% said:  معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شنط

[fincutter]

   Couple  on their honeymoon, lying
>         in bed, about ready to
> consummate their marriage, when the new bride
>         says to the husband:
>
> "I have a confession to make, I'm not a
>         virgin." The husband replies,
> "That's no big thing in this day
>         and age."
>
> The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one
>         guy."
>
> "Oh yeah?  Who was the guy?"
>
> "Tiger
>         Woods."
>
> "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
>
> "Yeah."
>
> "Well,
>         he's rich, famous and handsome.  I can see why
> you went to
>         bed
> with him."
>
> The husband and wife then make passionate love.
>         When they are done,
> the husband gets up and walks to the
>         telephone.
>
>
> "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband
>         says, "I'm hungry, I
> was going to call room service and get something
>         to eat."
>
>
>
> "Tiger wouldn't do that."
>
>
> "Oh
>         yeah?  What would Tiger do?"
>
>
> "He'd come back to bed and
>         do it a second time."
>
>
> The husband puts down the phone and
>         goes back to bed to make love a
> second time. When they finish,
>         he gets up and goes over to the phone.
>
>
> "Now what are you
>         doing?" she asks.
>
>
>  The husband says, "I'm still hungry
>         so I was going to get room
> service to get something to
>         eat."
>
>
> "Tiger wouldn't do that" "Oh yeah?
> What would
>         Tiger do?"
>
>
> "He'd come back to bed and do it
>         again."
>
>
> The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and
>         makes love one more time.
>
>
>
> When they finish he's tired and
>         beat.  He drags himself over to the
> phone and starts to
>         dial.
> The wife asks, "Are you calling room
>         service?"
>
>
> "No!  I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out
>         what's the f*cking par for
> THIS damned
>     hole."
>

[fincutter]

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of
'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE!
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buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our
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[michaelb]

OOOPS, re,posted on Week 28