47 replies to this topic

[fincutter]

mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."

[fincutter]

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

[fincutter]

It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by their silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke.
He said, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that?"
The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbour. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another 30 minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew."
The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg ... no mattah ... all same."

[markh]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[fincutter]

> > >> A Mexican, an Arabian, and an Albertan girl are in the same bar.
> >
> >> When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
> >> pulls
> >> out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In
> >> Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one
> > twice.'
> >
> >> The Arabian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into
> > the
> >> air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In
> > the
> >> Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
> > drink
> >> with the same one twice either.'
> >
> >> The Albertan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
> >> gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the
> >> Mexican and the Arabian. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and
> > calling
> >> for a refill, she says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we
> >> don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
> >
> >> ' God Bless Canada'
> >> ===================================

[fincutter]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New
York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful
Woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward His seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to
The annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
Nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
Business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use
My experience to debunk some popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
Men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all Categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
Know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."

[fincutter]

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

[remus]

A  MAN  UNABLE  TO  PERFORM  SEXUALLY  GOES  TO A  HYPNOTIST .
HE  HYPNOTISES  THE  MAN  AND  TELLS  HIM  WHEN YOU  SAY  1, 2 , 3 , YOU  WILL
GET  AN  ERECTION  FOR  AS LONG  AS  YOU  WISH .
WHEN  YOUR  WIFE  CAN  TAKE  NO  MORE, SHE  MUST  SAY  1, 2, 3, 4,  BUT  BEWARE
YOUR  C*CK  WILL  NOT  RISE  FOR  ANOTHER  YEAR .
THE  MAN  RUSHES  HOME  AND  TAKES  HIS  WIFE  TO  BED  AND  SHOUTS
1, 2, 3,  AND  HE  GETS  A GIGANTIC  REACTION ,  HIS  WIFE  SAYS
WHAT  THE  F*CK DID  YOU  SAY  1, 2, 3,  FOR  ?


                                                                                              

[young ronnie]

It's 1066 just before the Battle of Hastings and King Harold is inspecting his troops.As he walks along the line he stops in front of one man who has a longbow in his hands. "Who are you?" asks the king. "John Smith your Majesty,city of London,I'm an archer"says the man."Show me what you can do then"says the King.The man takes an arrow from his quivver,puts it in the bow,draws back and lets one go at a pigeon flying past...direct hit...the pigeon drops from the sky."Well done my man"says the King and walks on a bit further to stop in front of another bowman.On asking his name the king is told "I'm James Brown from Swindon sire,archer". "Show me your skills "says the King. The man takes aim at a bird sitting in a tree a hundred yards away and gets it with the first shot.Very impressed,the King continues to the end of the line where he comes face to face with a wee Scotsman in a kilt,absolutely pissed out of his skull and holding a bow,he can hardly stand."I'm an archer as well Sir,want to see what I can do?" he says.He's so rat arsed he can hardly get an arrow into the bow,and when he finally does manage to get one away it whizzes past the King's head missing him by a whisker. Harold turns to his aide de camp and says to him "Take that fecking eejit out the line and get some black coffee poured into him to sober him up.The way he's shooting that bow he's going to end up putting some poor bugger's eye out before he's finished"

[3762dazzer]

Just bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for his birthday

He'll have a fit when he sees it :whistle:

[fincutter]

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' he is asked by his concerned children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.  I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

[remus]

little   johnny  and  his  grandfather  have  gone  fishing , after a  while  granpa  gets  thirsty and  opens  up  his  cooler  for  some  beer . little  johnny  asks , grandpa can  i  have  some  beer  too ?
can you  stick  your  penis in your  arsehole ? , asks  grandpa .
no
well  then your  not  big  enough  !
granpa then  takes  out  a  cigarette  and  lights  up , little  johnny  sees  this and  asks  for  a  cigarette
can you  stick  your  penis  in  your  arsehole ? , grandpa  asks  again .
no
well  then  your  not  big  enough  !
little johnny  gets  upset  and  pulls  out  some  biscuits , his  granfather  says , " hey those  biscuits  look  good , can  i  have  some"  ?
little  johnny asks , can  you  stick  your  penis  in  your  arsehole ?
grandpa  looks  at johnny  and  senses a trick  so he says , yes i can i  am big enough !
little  johnny  then  says "well go  f*ck yourself , these  are  my  biscuits  .

[wbeedie]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[wbeedie]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.

[wbeedie]

Just popped home, caught the plumber with his d+ck in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the bastard was corgi registered

[wbeedie]

A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.
Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
Wife:" how much u want"

[wbeedie]

Some useless information
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.




One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).



The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.



Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.



A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.



There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.



Women blink twice as often as men.



The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.



Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.


If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women reading this will be finished now.









Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[quiet waters]

more useless information

you can tell jokes about bestiality,

you can tell jokes that degrade women

you can tell racist jokes about other ethnicities

but you can't tell a jade goody joke?

tells me all i need to know, cheerio!!!