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Joke of the week 26


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#1 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 02:59 PM

Wife asks her husband: "How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies: "Only you Darling; with all the others, I was awake!"
Apologies lads but at least we're started again.  ???
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#2 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:05 PM

: Why is Monica Lewinsky voting Republican in the next election?

A: Because the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
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#3 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:06 PM

chicken and an egg lie together in bed. The chicken smokes a cigarette and smiles with satisfaction. The egg frowns and mutters, "Well, I guess we answered that question!"  :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#4 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:10 PM

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

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#5 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:12 PM

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.

"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"

The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm f**king dis-custard."

The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#6 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:14 PM

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#7 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:18 PM

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#8 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:20 PM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#9 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:22 PM

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"

The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.

"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.

He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...

"Iron this!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#10 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:23 PM

newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#11 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:27 PM

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#12 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:28 PM

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#13 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:31 PM

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.   :whistle: :whistle:
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#14 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:35 PM

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help.  You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#15 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:39 PM

bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#16 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:42 PM

A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.

To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.

On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.

The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"

The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#17 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:50 PM

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b*stard!!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#18 fincutter

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:53 PM

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#19 Adoration II

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 05:31 PM

Quote

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.   :whistle: :whistle:


:coconut: :milkybar: 4 yooohooo
Mr Richard JohnstonEEEEEEEEE Jnr

Sure its a grand oul team ti play for

#20 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 02:51 PM

CAKE OR BED.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW'.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO'.

FINE, SHE SAYS

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT '

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO'.

'FINE', SHE SAYS

'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK '

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T

WANT TO FIX STEPS'.

HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! '

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A

COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES

THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE

HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

'HONEY', HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME

WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER

GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE'.

HE SAID,

'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED,

'HELLOOOOO..

DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN

ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!'




















 

















 

 

 




 




 



 



 



 

 
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#21 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 04:50 PM

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."


The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#22 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:09 PM

woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#23 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:12 PM

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#24 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:14 PM

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#25 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:17 PM

man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your ti*s dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#26 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:19 PM

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's d*ck off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#27 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:21 PM

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE **CKING DISHES"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#28 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:24 PM

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#29 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:26 PM

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside.
The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says, "Yea, he licks p*ssy."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The blond says, "Well? what's up?"
The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.

#30 fincutter

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Posted 06 April 2009 - 07:33 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"
Live for today .... Tomorrow might no' come.

Life is for livin' lovin' and laughin'.