57 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line,
"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me head on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked
"How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other cabbies.

[wbeedie]

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks,"You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies,"It’s my husband -- he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused,"Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates,"Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I"ll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says "For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains,"She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public -- looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned,"Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor smiled "That just means you should stay out of trouble." then continued "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing."
"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up."

[wbeedie]

   

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to a doctor.
He examined them, and concluded that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position.

The man said, "What is that?"
The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do."
The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won’t do that."
The doctor replied, "Try giving her a glass of wine or two and she will lose all inhibition."

Some while later, the doctor met the man, pushing a pushchair.
"I see it worked!" the doctor said.
"Yes it did Doc, but now the problem is ... my wife is an alcoholic!"
"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well, every time we did it ... it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front garden!"

[wbeedie]

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out so he has a quick look for it, as he’s on a bonus for bins emptied he goes round the back but still can’t see it so he knocks on the door.

There’s no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the happy jappy chappy.

"Alright mate, where’s your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and
says "No mate, where’s ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man

"Mate" says the dustman... "you’re misunderstanding me...Where’s your
wheely bin?"

"OK, OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank"

[wbeedie]

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ?
A: A prostiture can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute ?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

Q: Why do women call it PMS ?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common ?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball ?
A: A man will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Do you know how the Welsh practice safe sex ?
A: They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.

[wbeedie]

While walking through the Daintree a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I’m listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin" me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,

"What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said....

"This just isn’t gonna be your day......"

[wbeedie]

A Texan walked into a brothel in New Orleans and bellied up to the bar.

"M name is John. Everyone calls me Big Bad John. I come from Texas, ladies and gents. I’m six foot four and 225 pounds of dynamite. And I want me the best dang whore in the place."

The madam calls over Dallas Rose, her best girl and sends them upstairs to one of the rooms.

When they were undressing, he went through his Big Bad John routine again.

A few minutes later Dallas Rose comes running madly down the stairs shouting, "Run, run for your lives. There’s 225 pounds of dynamite upstairs with a two inch fuse!"

[wbeedie]

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A. They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman with PMT and a pitbull ?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why are hurricanes named after women ?
A. When they come they are wild and wet, but when they go they take your hous and car.

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a job ?
A. After 5 years the job still sucks.

Q. What are the small bumps around a womans’s nipples for ?
A. They are Braille for "suck here’.

[wbeedie]

When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they realised that ball-point pens wouldn’t work in zero gravity.

A million dollar investment and two years of test resulted in a pen that could write in space, upside-down, on almost any surface and at temperatures from sub-zero to 300 degrees.

When confronted with the same problem the Russians took a pencil.

[wbeedie]

Just in case you’ve had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day.

Here is a quick 7-Step stress management technique recommended in the
latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is - this really works.


Try this:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.


7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding under the water.


See - You are smiling already.

[wbeedie]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the greengrocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about."

[wbeedie]

It’s a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[wbeedie]

Q. What’s a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[wbeedie]

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street....
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son’s girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family’s odd antics are always in the papers.
They are out of control. ..........





Honestly - who’d live near Windsor Castle ?

[mack rill]

guy comes back from work early finds a young guy humping his wife, he drags the guy naked outside sticks the guys todger in  the vise in the garden shed and tightens the vise till the young guys screaming he picks up a big hammer and smashes the handle off the vise he picks up a big machettete and the young guy says whit are ye gonna dae wi that(coz he wiz scottish) im no going to do nothing with it he said handing it to the young guy im just going to set the shed on fire.

[wbeedie]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says,
"Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well ,
Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.
So , he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard,
giving the rooster a pep talk,
" Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,"
the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand,
so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot
~WHAM~
He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake
~WHAM~
He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen.
He's in with the cows.
Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught,
worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer,
saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal ,
shakes his head and says,
"Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's ,
" Shhh. They're getting closer...."

[fincutter]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new
wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and
weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's
wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.


"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...

Smallcox

[fincutter]

Patient. "Doctor, I think that I'm going deaf."
Doctor. "Describe the symptoms."

Patient. "Homer is the bald fat one and Marge has the blue hair."

[fincutter]

An Alberta Indian picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.



'$100,' she replies.



He says 'Do you do Indian style?'



'No' she says.



' I pay you $200 to do it Indian  style'



'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.



'I pay you $300'



'No', she says.



'I pay you $400'



'No', she says.



So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'



She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world.

How bad could Indian Style be?''.



So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.  Finally, after several hours, they finish.  Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?' 



The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government'

[fincutter]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party..  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
   
   
   
                  A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
   

   
                  Dear Sir,
   
                  Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden  leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
   
                 



The man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week passes  and he receives another parcel and note:   
   
 



                  Dear Sir,
   
                  Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.   
   
   


                  The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
   


         Dear Sir,
   
                  Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.  We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as  a toffee apple.

[fincutter]

The Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to
choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor
1 -  These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor
2 -  These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,'  she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor
3 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor
4 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor
5 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, areDrop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor
6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[fincutter]

Beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.


 

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'


 

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'


The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --  PING ! -- He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!


 

'What else?'  asked the fairy, 'two more to go'


 

The refugee claimant now got bolder


 

'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.


 

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.


'One more wish,' said the fairy, waving her wand.


 

'Yes, one more wish....


I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.


And I want to have white skin like the British.'


 

 

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap.


He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..


 

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.


'Where is my new house?'


 

 

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!.'


 

And she disappeared!


 

[wbeedie]

Class Howard :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:

[fincutter]

BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS


Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods
and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for
doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn
for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the
rest of yourlife. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

[fincutter]

The  Bathtub  Test

During a  visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how  do
You  determine whether or not a patient should be  institutionalized.

"Well,"  said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer  a teaspoon,  a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to  empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I  understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket  because it's bigger than the spoon or the  teacup."




"No." said  the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you  want a bed near the window?"

[fincutter]

Dear Diary,

We just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra,things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra
Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new found MANHOOD.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I  don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much and to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Jack Daniels whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete PIG.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping theViagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy b*stard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!

[johntar tt10]

Jim and Max two gay guys go to the zoo for a visit..........

They arrive at the gorilla cage and the male gorilla is standing with his cock hanging out..............

Jim can't resist and reaches through the bars...............

And starts to pleasure the gorilla..............

After a while the gorilla pulls Jim through the bars..............

Shags him for 6 long agonising hours............

The ambulance is called for Jim..........

Two days later Max visits Jim in hospital......................

"Well how are you doing Jim and do you still hurt?" asks Max............

"Am I feckin hurting Max, would'nt you be" says Jim.........

"He has'nt called or texted me yet Max"......................

[johntar tt10]

A beastaphile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a wee gay boy were sitting discussing fantasies........

The beastaphile says "If there was a cat here I'd shag it till I pass out"...........

The sadist nods and says "Once your done with it I'd toture it to death"...................

The necrophiliac sighs "Oh yeah and once it was dead I'd shag it till I passed out".......

They all look over to the wee gay guy sitting in the corner.........................

Gay boy says very softly........................


Wait for it...............


Very softly...............



"Meow"..................................