23 replies to this topic

[wbeedie]

well time ti kick it off again

[young ronnie]

I just hope the result is better than the one to-day Willie

[restlesswave]

what was wrong with it?

[young ronnie]

Naaaaaaasty

[fincutter]

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Bubba and Sweet Pea, paid a visit to their doctor.





"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said Bubba.  "My thingy's turnin' blue." 



"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor.  "Let me examine you." 



The doctor takes a look.  Sure enough, Bubba's "thingy" really was blue.



The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"


"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.



"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"



"Grape", she said.

[fincutter]

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!





 

[fincutter]

THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER


Judy and Ted  got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time

She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

[young ronnie]

Frank went for a job as a blacksmith,and during the interview was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses."Not really" says the bold boy,"but I once told a donkey to fu*k off"

[fincutter]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'   
She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'


Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. 
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. 
Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH  (Part 2)


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.


'Why?' asks the father?


'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.


'But that's right!' says his dad.


'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''


'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.


'That's what I said!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'


RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'


Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR


Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. 
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. 
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'


The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. 
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' 
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'


Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if 
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR  (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'


'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

[restlesswave]

ronnie won a toilet brush in a raffle and when asked a few weeks later how he was getting on with it he casually replied-i don`t think i`ll ever go back to using toilet paper......

[young ronnie]

I can see I'm just no going to get the better of you Mr.G....by the way,I'm clean round the bend after using that brush

[fincutter]

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of
town.  Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but
collects only  eight or nine dollars every day.
 
 
Jose brings home a suitcase of ten-dollar bills every day
He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and

has a lot of money to spend.
 

'Hey, amigo,' Carlos says to Jose, 'I work just as long and hard

as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten-dollar
bills every day?'
 
Jose says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
 
Carlos' sign reads: 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.
 
'What's wrong with that?' Carlos asks him.
 
Jose says, 'No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars!'
 
Carlos says, 'All right, so what does your sign say?'
   

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads: 'I 

need only another ten dollars

to move back to Mexico.


  _____________________________________

[young ronnie]

Frank and his missus are walking past the local music shop and his good lady sees an LP in the window."Frank,is that Nat King Cole?" she asks. "Well if it's nat King Cole,who the feck is it then?" says yer man.

[restlesswave]

^^ ho ho! but this was in the letters to the editor section of the donegal democrat today (16.3.09)- dear sir, if you do not refrain from publishing scottish jokes in your newspaper-i will stop borrowing it for a read,yours sincerely,young ronnie

[young ronnie]

That's me just been rumbled,I'll have to go and look for another source of material now

[restlesswave]

[fincutter]

20 shots...



A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow.



"I hear tell all you Scatch people are real hard drinkers." he says
in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking
is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the
other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."


No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!


"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says
disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey
Big Man, is that bet still on?"


"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky.
The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course
tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $5000.


"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!)
came back in again."


"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,


"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"


 

[fincutter]

While holidaying at Balmoral, the Queen took a couple of days off to
drive down the North-East coast. When she got to the dunes at Balmedie
she decided she fancied a bit of off-roading. Her Range Rover was
bounding along the golden sands of Balmedie beach when there was an
enormous commotion. She rushed to see what it was and upon approaching
the scene the Queen noticed just beyond the surf, a hapless man wearing
a Rangers jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws
of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Aberdeen tops
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and
pulled the Rangers fan from the water before beating the shark to death
using long clubs.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along
with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to
the beach.

On reaching land, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that
the people of Aberdeenshire were intolerant of those from the central
belt but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony
which could serve as a model for other nations."

She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked
the others, "Fa wis 'at?!"

"That," one answered, "wis the Queen. She rules Britain and kens a'thing
aboot oor country."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she kens f**k all aboot shark fishing.
How's the bait hauding up? Di we need anither een?

[fincutter]

The Royal Way Of Doing Things





Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding, that got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.



Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling.  Ones feet are killing One.'



Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'



Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'



'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.



Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'



In their bedroom next-door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said "See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'



Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter.



At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, once a navy man, always a navy man!'

[fincutter]

The perky blonde returned home with an ultra-mod, clear-plastic minidress and held it up for her stodgy husband's approval.
"Why, you can see right through it," the astonished husband gasped.
"No you can't, silly," she answered. "Not when I'm in it."



............................................................



A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!"
Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"
Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"
The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"
The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think YOU'RE lost!"



.................................................................



A man walks into a bar with a salmon under his arm, he asks the barman if they do food.
"Yes mate" he replies.
"I'll have a fishcake then please."
"Sorry pal, we don't do fishcakes."
"That's a shame" Says the fella, "It's his birthday."



......................................................................



I threw a hedgehog at a dartboard once...
Scored 3480.



.......................................................................

I've just been sacked from my job as a theatre designer. I tried to leave without making a scene. 



........................................................................





Cider (Apple), Vodka (Potato), Wine (Grape), Perry (Pear), Archers (Peach), Malibu (coconut). I never realised just how much fun your 5 a day could be.

..........................................................................



A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



........................................................................................



Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



.........................................................................................



A guy walks into a pub and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it one of those European beers?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

[fincutter]

Little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............


The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Jammy]

thats a good one unkl  i think mr beedie will have a challenge on his title of joker for the site there

[fincutter]

AFFAIRS.



The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.  Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.  We had sex all afternoon.'

'You lying ba * stard!
You've been playing golf!'   


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.  Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!  Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.  Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.  It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?! '


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said.  'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied.  'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.  I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.  'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying.  His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.  I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied.  'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[fincutter]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
>
> A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
> husbands.
>
> On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
> "Please be gentle, I'm
> still a virgin.
> "
> "What?" said the puzzled groom.
>
> "How can that be if you've been married ten
> times?"
>
> "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept
> telling me how great
> it was going to be.
>
> Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really
> sure how it was
> supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and
> get back to me.
>
> Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything
> checked out
> diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
>
> Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had
> the order, he
> didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
>
> Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process
> but wanted three
> years to research, implement, and design a new
> state-of-the-art method.
>
> Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought
> he knew how, but
> he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
>
> Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice
> product, he was never
> sure how to position it.
>
> Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk
> about it.
>
> Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
>
> Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
> God! I miss him!
> But now that I've married you, I'm really
> excited!"
>
> "Good," said the new husband, "but,
> why?"
>
> "You're a lawyer.
> This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
>
> __________________________________________________________________
>
>