119 replies to this topic

[Martin Johns]

A man goes in to Tesco for a sandwich one day to find his wife with
another man walking around doing some shopping. He leaves and goes
back to work enraged at what he saw. He decides not confront his wife
but to keep going back to Tesco to see if this is a regular thing. To
his dismay he finds that it is, and that it happens every Friday
lunchtime. The man keeps quiet for a couple of months going to Tesco
every Friday lunchtime in order to follow the unknown man and his wife
around the shop.

The man can take no more and begins drinking in his local every chance
he gets. One evening he is telling a man at the bar about his dilemma
and asks him what he should do. The man replies that he knows someone
who would do them both over and will arrange a meeting if he wants. A
meeting is arranged for the following evening in the pub.

The man is introduced to a huge bloke called Arti. He tells him the
story and Arti says that he will do them over together in Tesco. The
man asks about a fee and Arti tells him that he loves to kill people
and will accept a token fee of a pound. The deal is done and the place
is set to Tesco on Friday lunchtime.

Arti awaits their arrival and follows them around the shop for a while
and then pounces on them, strangling them both with his bare hands. As
Arti runs out of the shop two security guards tackle him to the ground
and wait for the police. He is caught and tried for murder and found
guilty. The headline in the paper the next day read:

[move]ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO[/move]

[3762dazzer]

the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said
"Yes, this is my livelihood."

[3762dazzer]

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Re my Pussy HE is my ex pussy, put down three weeks today, shared the same name as the artist formerly known as QW!!!!!
Fine whiskers, but I've seen thicker ones in my time

[quiet waters]

stupid name for a cat? when you were calling it didn't your neighbours not give you funny looks? you out in the street shouting "Here C unty C unty!!!"

[homeward bound]

FELLOW WALKS INTO A PUB ORDERS A LARGE WHISKY AND A PINT, BARMAN SAYS CANT HELP NOTICING YOUR FACE HAS BEEN BADLY BURNED AND YOUR FACE IS ALL SCARRED HOW DID IT HAPPEN ?ASKS THE BARMAN.  FALKLANDS REPLIES THE CUSTOMER, PUT YOUR MONEY AWAY SAYS THE BARMAN ITS NO USE IN HERE , BARMAN GOES AWAY INTO THE LOUNGE THEN RETURNS SAYS TO THE FELLOW ITS NOT OFTEN WE GET A WAR HERO IN HERE, ME AND THE BOYS HAVE HAD A WHIPROUND IN THE  LOUNGE HERES A COUPLE O HUNDRED QUID,     MUCHAS GRACIAS SAID THE FELLA !!!!!

[westword]

Theres 2 guys up in a remote part of the highlands on business, after a couple of nights bored shitless by the lack of female company, the barman says to them "what are you getting uptight about lads?, theres fields full of sheep oot there" At the end of the night, after 2or3 too many the guys walking home do the business with the sheep. Next day sitting in the pub, theres a few angry faces at the bar. One  of the guys pipes up to the barman "what the f*** is up with you lot? it was you that told us about the sheep in the first place," barman replies "its no the rest o the sheep we were bothered about, its the particular ane you were with, ITS THE LAIRDS GIRLFRIEND....

[johntar tt10]

The Norse god Thor is yarning to other gods and tells them he going off down to Earth to get a bit of sexual relief......
The other gods try to talk him out of it as Earth women can't really satisfy gods like Thor, but off he goes..............

He is not long down on Earth and he meets this beautiful leggy blonde....
Cut to the chase....
They shag and shag and shag, being a god Thor can and does saw away for hours......
In the morning Thor departs leaving the blonde sleeping..............

Back where gods come from, the other gods ask Thor how he got on.........
"Shagged this beautiful blonde for hours everyway in the book and left her sleeping" he replies...
"Did you tell her who you are Thor?" they ask.... "No says Thor............
"Oh you must go back and explain to her who you are" the other gods tell Thor.........

Away he goes, searches and finds the blonde.....
"I am Thor" he starts but the blonde interupts him..........
"Tho am I and thill can't feckin pith"

[Dirty Dan]

Bear It From Behind!!

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

[tommy]

paddy marches into jobcentre and screams,I'VEBEEN RINGING 08001730 FOR TWO DAYS NOW TRYING TO GET HELP.girl at reception asks,did you get that number from the door sir?paddy says yes.girl says,THATS OUR OPENING HOURS YOU THICK TWAT.

[Hooked]

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones." 

[wbeedie]

One day a boy asks his father dad what is the difference between a pussy and a c**t and the father says well son let me show you something the father takes his boy upstairs to his mother who is sleeping and pulls the sheets down and says to the boy that thing between your mothers legs that is a pussy he said ohhh can i touch it he said no son you must not wake up the c**t

[wbeedie]

Robbers broke into a bank in Dublin. They expected to see one big safe, but instead found 20 small ones.
They cracked open the first safe but found no money, only a dish of vanilla pudding.
Oh well they thought, at least they get a snack to eat along the way.
They cracked open each safe and one by one found only the same vanilla pudding in each one.
They all left with full, queezy tummies.
headlines in the newspaper the next day reads....













"IRELANDS BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED LAST NIGHT"

[wbeedie]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own
condoms and kept the same tag-line...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better


Tesco Condoms - every little helps



Nike Condoms - Just do it.



Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.


Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.


KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.


Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.


Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.


Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.


Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.


Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.


Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop


Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper


Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide


FCUK condoms - no comment required.


Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.


Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.


Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.


Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long


Renault condoms - size really does matter!


Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin


Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes


Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!


Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach


Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world


AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service


Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of a animal


Polo condoms - the condom with the hole


The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart.(2007-08 premiership champions, 2007-08 champions league champions) shouldn't that be the Liverpool condom, two yanks and its over before you know it)

[3762dazzer]

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on and on.

By the way he had a Scots accent and I think he said he lived in CN but I'm not sure

[3762dazzer]

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

[wbeedie]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GLASGOW NICKNAMES.

Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the
side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the
picture...'

Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be
scared of the alarm clock.

The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed
sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my
hands are tied..

The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.

The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)

[wbeedie]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asked him for a push.


"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slammed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is raining cats and dogs out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man sighed, but did as he was told. He got dressed, and went out into the pounding rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," cames back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark..

"Where are you?" called the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

[wbeedie]

A minister was booking into a hotel for the night and asked the desk clerk "I hope all the pornography in my room is disabled"
"No" the clerk replied "It's all normal porn you pervert"

[wbeedie]

The Irish have solved the fuel problems. They've bought 5 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil!!

[3762dazzer]

Class 

[wbeedie]

The wife was nagging me last night saying 'We have lost our sexual pleasure', so I said why dn't you go and slip in to something nice..... Like a coma!!

[wbeedie]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists… Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[3762dazzer]

Bloke holds a fancy dress party where everyone has to come dressed as an EMOTION

1st guest arrives dressed in green with an N and a V across his chest

"I'm green with envy" he exclaims

Woman arrives in a pink body stocking with feathers around her parts

"I'm tickled pink" she states

The next two guests are Irish

1 has his knob in a bowl of custard the other has his knob stuck in a pair

The shocked host asks what emotions they have come as

"Well oim fukn discustard and Mick has cum in dispair"

: : :

[tommy]

     Little Johnnys neighbour had a baby,but he was born without ears.Johnny & his mum went to visit the baby.Johnny was warned not to mention his ears or he would be spanked.Johnny looked in the cot and said what a lovelly baby,lovelly feet,hands and skin. hows his eyesight? the babys mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied,Thats good,cos he'd be f--ked if he needed glasses!

[wbeedie]

Not a joke as such but read yhe first four pages to give you a laugh at anothers expense lol
http://www.306gti6.c...id=92093&page=1

[Dirty Dan]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Dirty Dan]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[Dirty Dan]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[Dirty Dan]

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

[Young Knoxy]

The three bears


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits
in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear
arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl
and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear
puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's
sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy
Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was
Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher
from last night and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor
in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that
you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear
with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this
once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE
F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'